Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 7.0: The After Party

Yeah, David, I don't know what the T'Wolves are doing either.

Brief draft review:

• The only bigger "duh" moment than the Clippers taking Blake Griffin No. 1 overall was when Charlotte drafted Duke guard Gerald Henderson. I am now convinced the Bobcats are trying to re-unite an all-time best All-ACC team.
• The Timberwolves addressed their glaring need for a point guard four times last night. Even Villanova head coach Jay Wright thinks that's too many guards.
• The highlight of the night was listening to Jeff Van Gundy's analysis. When he's not trying to not be critical of his brother in the NBA Finals, he's not half bad.
• The lowlight of the night was team's allergic reaction to DeJuan Blair. I had the "oooh dejuan you so sexii" line all but ready to go, but it just doesn't seem right if it's coming out of San Antonio.

Here is the final mocking of the NBA Draft.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. Blake, you can run from the Clippers' past all you want, there is a reason the Cubs aren't the nation's bad sports punchline. That reason is L.A.'s other team.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. In honor of Michael Jackson (R.I.P.), the newest Grizz changed his name to Hasheem Tha-Beat-It for the night.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State. And the award for best facial hair goes to...

4. Sacramento Kings - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. Some experts say he needs to improve his shot. There's a drive by joke to be had here.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ricky Rubio, Spain. If looks could kill, the state of Minnesota would have been blown up. The Spaniard apparently wants nothing to do with the Mall of America, or Brett Favre for that matter.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. The look on Flynn's face said "I have to play with that guy?" as he thought of Rubio. Then Rubio had that look of "I have to play with that guy?" and it makes me think there is an Odd Couple-esque reality show to be made by ESPN.

7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson. There is no NBA fan base that I wanted to have a more heartbreaking draft than the Knicks. And for saving us from the slurp-fest that was going to be Curry at MSG, Golden, you are granted your freedom as a state.

8. New York Knicks - Jordan Hill, Arizona. David Stern could have announced the Knicks were getting the love child of Kobe Bryant and LeBron James and would still boo.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, USC. Do you think the Song Girls know the Canadian national anthem?

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Brandon Jennings, Italy via Compton, Calif. Jennings is the best thing to come out of Compton since Dr. Dre's Chronic 2001. But showing up late to the NBA Draft is not a good way to start a career.

11. New Jersey Nets - Terrance Williams, Louisville. The post-Vince Carter Era started a little earlier than I expected.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke. Visions of Henderson dunking all over SIU at MSG are dancing in my head.

13. Indiana Pacers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. The Pacers address a non-need by drafting a scrappy white guy who works hard and hustles. That must mean Dunleavy, Jr. or Troy Murphy are on the trading block.

14. Phoneix Suns - Earl Clark, Louisville. Some teams draft to win now, and after this pick, I'm convinced the Suns don't want to win ... well, that's the thing ... I don't know when.

15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga. I was waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump on stage next to David Stern and say "you got punk'd! bring on DeJuan Blair" but that didn't happen until pick No. 37.

16. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest. Here, the Bulls drafted Tyrus Thomas with a black belt. Well done.

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Jrue Holiday, UCLA. Holiday isn't ready to start in the NBA, let alone run a team. Good player, wrong situation.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. This just in, T'Wolves to field a team without a guy taller than 6-feet.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. Better than what they had at the PG position before, which was nothing.

20. Utah Jazz - Eric Maynor, VCU. There is no better situation than to learn under Jerry Sloan and Deron Williams on a really good playoff team.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Darren Collison, UCLA. By adding Collison, NOLA has the smartest point guards this side of the Ivy League.

22. Portland Trail Blazers - Victor Claver, Spain. Who?

23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel. Makes me wonder whatever happened to the Jewish Jordan.

24. Dallas Mavericks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. The Mavs would have been better served drafting Bryan Mullins. And after hearing that, they traded him to the Thunder.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Rodrique Beaubois, Guadeloupe. Who? From where? This has to be a prank, right?

26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, USC. I liked this pick until I realized Wayne Ellington and DeJuan "you so sexii" Blair were still on the board.

27. Memphis Grizzlies - DeMarre Carroll, Mizzou. Not slated to be drafted until the second round, the Grizz show why they've been living in the lottery since Hubie Brown retired.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. Another guard!?!?!? Oh, wait, this one can shoot. Good call.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State. The Knicks are hoping Douglas is half as good as their last point guard from FSU.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Christian Eyenga, Congo. I'm still in shock that the Cavs drafted a fan in the stands with their 1st round pick. LeBron has got to be thinking, "This is supposed to keep me in Cleveland."

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 6.0

This is day that most amateur basketball players dream of their whole life. Except when the Clippers are picking No. 1 overall and you're the consensus best player in the draft. Still, Blake Griffin will go No. 1 and a mess will ensue afterward.

We've had some moves, shakes and whispers in anticipation of what will be a busy offseason of contract moving as teams are preparing to get rejected by LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh and others in the summer of 2010.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. Unless Ashton Kutcher shows up as the Clippers GM and tries to punk everyone by drafting B.J. Mullens, Griffin goes here.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. One way to not be the worst rebounding team in the league is to draft someone who is 7-foot-3.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State. The Thunder are easily becoming the most hyped 23-win team in NBA history. Drafting Harden will give OKC another legit scorer, but who's playing defense?

4. Sacramento Kings - Ricky Rubio, Spain. Sac-town's motto with Rubio should be easy. Draft now, trade later if necessary.

5. Minnesota Timberwolves - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. When your starting backcourt is Sebastian Telfair and Corey Brewer, you need more help than Lindsay Lohan after $1 nite. Evans is a good start

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Stephen Curry, Davidson. After trading Randy Foye and Mike Miller (and presumably drafting Evans), the T'Wolves need a bucket filler. In college, Curry proved he could to it.

7. Golden State Warriors - DeMar DeRozan, USC. It wouldn't be the NBA Draft without a questionable draft decision by the Warriors, who add DeRozan to their squad of shoot-early, shoot-often SG/SF hybrids.

8. New York Knicks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. The Knickerbockers head upstate and grab their best point guard since ... Charlie Ward? Yikes!

9. Toronto Raptors - Jordan Hill, Arizona. Losing Chris Bosh to free agency is as much as a given as yours truly landing a three-way with Erin Andrews and Hannah Storm. With this pick, the Raptors will attempt to rebuild their frontcourt.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Gerald Henderson, Duke. This is the kind of player Scott Skiles has wet dreams about. A productive three-year starter at a college hoops powerhouse that plays defense and puts out a max effort. Here's hoping Henderson likes Miller High Life, cheese and beerbrats.

11. New Jersey Nets - Terrance Williams, Louisville. It is almost unfortunate that Vince Carter won't play forever. Williams has the ability and athleticsm to be a good pro, especially if Devin Harris is playing alongside, running the point.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. Another draft tradition includes MJ and Larry Brown drafting someone with ACC ties. Makes me wonder if Coach K or Uncle Roy are running the Bobcats' draft board.

13. Indiana Pacers - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. The Pacers need a leader bad, seeing they haven't had one since Mark Jackson retired for the broadcast booth.

14. Phoneix Suns - Jrue Holiday, UCLA. The mass exodus from Phoenix begins with Shaq going to Cleveland and will likely end with Amare Stoudemire and Steve Nash finding new places of employment. Holiday has skill and will be given every opportunity to excel with a team of nobodys.

15. Detroit Pistons - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. Mullens has no business being a top 15 pick, but this is the same front office that drafted Darko Milicic ahead of Carmelo, Wade and Bosh. So, Mullens makes sense.

16. Chicago Bulls - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. The following conversation was copied, pasted and sent to me: MadPax93: Ooooh DeJuan, you so sexii!!!11!!! BigBlair: Yeah I am, trick!

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Eric Maynor, Virgina Commonwealth. Because they won't keep Andre Miller, will they?

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Chase Budinger, Arizona. A younger, cheaper, more athletic version of Mike Miller. Did you know he once played volleyball? Oh, you didn't? Get prepared to hear it a dozen times tonight.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. He's not the true point player they want or need, but combo guards are all the rage these days in the NBA.

20. Utah Jazz - Earl Clark, Louisville. It's possible that Jerry Sloan's gang lose both Carlos Boozer and Paul Millsap this offseason. Clark can play both forward positions and Sloan is just the coach that could get the most out of his talent.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Brandon Jennings, Italy/USA. Once a near lock for the lottery, Jennings has slipped, but could be a valuable asset down the line as a back-up for CP3.

22. Portland Trail Blazers - Omri Casspi, Israel. Drafting a foreign player that won't be stateside in a few years buys Portland some time to find money to keep Brandon Roy and LaMarcus Aldridge.

23. Sacramento Kings - James Johnson, Wake Forest. He can play both forward spots and give the Kings a relatively young frontline full of potential.

24. Dallas Mavericks - Darren Collison, UCLA. Like Jon and Kate's marriage, the Jason Kidd Era is over. Collison won't make anyone forget about what could have been with Devin Harris, but he'll try his best.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - DaJuan Summers, Georgetown. With a team full of chuckers like Westbrook, Durant and Harden, OKC is going to need someone to hunt down rebounds.

26. Chicago Bulls - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. Two reasons: 1) His sweet shot can replace some of the scoring lost when Ben Gordon finally leaves. 2) Chicago has a good history with shooting guards that happen to be former Tar Heels.

27. Memphis Grizzlies - Taj Gibson, USC. The Grizzlies rebuilding project contiues as it grabs another guy familiar with the concept of rebounding the basketball

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Austin Daye, Gonzaga. He's a project pick right here that could pan out down the line. Or could disappear into relative obscurity.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Victor Claver, Int'l. L.A. could stash this pick away for a rainy day in an attempt to keep as much money free as possible to re-sign Lamar Odom and Trevor Ariza.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Patrick Mills, Saint Mary's. LeBron is great and adding Shaq will help, but the Cavs don't have a pure point guard and I don't they can win without one. Mills can sit and watch Mo Williams and Delonte West throw up shots and when they hit a cold streak, can show them how to handle the rock like a pure point should.

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 5.0

In this edition of 'Mocking' the Bulls will select Jeff Teague to fill the void of undersized scoring guard vacated by Ben Gordon's looming exit.

Please take time out of your busy schedule to check out the first of a gazillion NBA Mock Draft blogs you will see this week. We won't write that many, but it might seem like it. ESPN's Chad Ford said he thinks Mock Drafts like this are "like a joke." Kind of like the A+ grade he gave the Pistons after the 2003 draft that landed Darko Milicic and not Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh or Carmelo Anthony. Oh wait, that wasn't meant to be funny. This is.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. Right now, Blake Griffin says he can't wait to be a Clipper, but how long until he's saying he can't wait to be an ex-Clipper?

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. The Grizzlies need a defensive presence like the city of Memphis needs a secure parking lot. Just saying.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State. My one concern with Harden is that he seemed to disappear come NCAA Tourney time. Not a big deal, OKC isn't making a playoff push any time soon.

4. Sacramento Kings - Ricky Rubio, Spain. After using YouTube videos to scout this pick, I've come to the conclusion that Ricky Rubio is Spanish for Jason Williams.

5. Washington Wizards - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. If the Jamison-to-Cleveland rumors are true, the Wiz are going to need someone to fill the basket when Agent Zero returns to street clothes. Built like a small forward, Evans can play both guard positions. But with Arenas and Evans in one backcourt, one must wonder if there are enough open shots to go around.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Brandon Jennings, Italy via USA. Drafting Jennings gives the Timberpups a chance to give (probable) head coach Mark Jackson time to rebuild Kevin McHale's mess.

7. Golden State Warriors - Jordan Hill, Arizona. The Warriors are stocked with overpaid guards that underproduced last season. That's why I'm going with a big man with skill and potential that will eventually rot at the end of the bench, ignored by Don Nelson.

8. New York Knicks - Stephen Curry, Davidson. At least pro games at the Garden will be fun again.

9. Toronto Raptors - Gerald Henderson, Duke. His aggressive play and sharp elbows will make hockey fans forget their even watching a basketball game. Well, other than the fact that there are several people of color on a court instead of watching a bunch of Canadians on skate on frozen water.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. This team needs a point guard as much as I need a date on a Saturday night. At least I have an alternative to dating (drinking). The Bucks' alternative at the point makes their fans want to drink. Then, throw up.

11. New Jersey Nets - DeMar DeRozan, USC. Vince Carter is getting old and at this stage of the game, he only seemingly shows up whenever the opponents jersey reads 'Toronto' on the front. DeRozan is an athlete that could shine next to star point guard Devin Harris.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. Drafting Mullens allows Emeka Okafor to slide back into his natural PF position. But that plan will be scrapped as Mullens will play in less NBA games than he did at Ohio State.

13. Indiana Pacers - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. If any team needs a former floor general as its sideline general, it is the Pacers. Prediction: Lawson will fill the floor general role better than Jim O'Brien has filled the role of sideline general.

14. Phoneix Suns - Jrue Holiday, UCLA. It's sad to think of it, but there will be a day that Steve Nash will no longer don the Phoenix Suns uniform. That day will come soon. Besides, how often do you get to draft guys named Jrue?

15. Detroit Pistons - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. Blair looks like the kind of guy you don't want to meet in a dark alley. Yep, he'll fit right in with the rest of Detroit.

16. Chicago Bulls - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. With the Bulls likely losing guard Ben Gordon to free agency, Chicago will need to fill the void of tweener scoring guard. Welcome to Chicago, Mr. Teague.

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Eric Maynor, Virgina Commonwealth. The Sixers have a lot of guys who can score the rock, but no one to get it to those guys. This is why Maynor makes sense.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Austin Daye, Gonzaga. Because there aren't enough goofy white guys in the world to make Kevin McHale happy. He still is running the team, right?

19. Atlanta Hawks - Earl Clark, Louisville. Remember when I said the Hawks were allergic to drafting point guards? I have a feeling Atlanta has a thing for athletic tweener forwards.

20. Utah Jazz - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. Had Psycho T come out as a freshman or sophomore, he would have been a lottery pick. This is why staying four years at school is damaging. The good news is that Hansbrough can take his scrappy, gritty, hard-working self to the czar of scrappy, gritty, hard-working guys, Jerry Sloan.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Patrick Mills, Saint Mary's. After watching Lil' Wayne in the "Championship Pop Bottles" video, I wanted to slide him into this spot (pause) but instead I'm going with a back-up option for CP3.

22. Dallas Mavericks - Darren Collison, UCLA. Collison is the most underrated point guard in this draft. He has excellent ball-handling skills and has proven he can handle difficult situations. Last year, he would have been a Top 15 pick. Now, he drops to a talented team in need of a leader.

23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel. The Kings are trying to build an international all-star team.

24. Portland Trail Blazers - James Johnson, Wake Forest. Because anyone is better than Sam Bowie, right?

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - DaJuan Summers, Georgetown. If someone is shooting, one assumes someone else has to be hunting down rebounds, right?

26. Chicago Bulls - Nick Calathes, Florida. The Bulls could benefit from drafting a player that won't even play in the NBA next season. Chicago wouldn't have to pay him next season (and that helps the cap situation) and can allow his time in Greece to serve as a developmental year. Genius! I hope Gar Forman reads this blog!

27. Memphis Grizzlies - Jeff Pendergraph, Arizona State. Another inside force for a team that couldn't get a rebound even if Lindsay Lohan was calling its name.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Chase Budinger, Arizona. Did I mention Kevin McHale loves white guys that can ball? This is his attempt to build the 1980s Celtics teams in the 2000s.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Toney Douglas, Florida State. For being undersized (6-2), Douglas can defend and score with bigger guards. He's a Phil Jackson type of guard, you know, if Phil decides to stick it out one more year.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. Why, yes, this edition of Mocking the NBA Draft ends with Wayne Ellington not wearing a Bulls cap. That saddens me just a little bit inside.

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 4.0

Osiris Eldridge totally screwed up my draft board by withdrawing his name. He surely would have been a No.1 pick in my book. Wait, so you say I'm not drafting the All-MVC First Team for the 2009-10 season? Well, carry on, then.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. The Clippers could shock the world by not picking the consensus No. 1 overall pick, but that would make too much sense. Expect the unexpected, so expect the Clips to do the right thing.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. The story out of Memphis this week that Mike Conley, Jr., is, in fact, the point guard of the future. But riddle me this, who was the last "junior" to be a superstar? Ken Griffey, Jr.? I rest my case.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State. The Durant-Harden-Westbrook trio surely will score more than Wilt Chaimberlain on ladies night, right? But if they miss, who's getting rebounds? I guess OKC will cross that bridge when they get to it.

4. Sacramento Kings - Ricky Rubio, Spain. Brandon Jennings thinks this guy is all hype as he takes the easy way out to knock the only guy in the draft less educated than he is.

5. Washington Wizards - Jordan Hill, Arizona. I haven't cared about the Wizards since Michael Jordan left. And before that, I hadn't cared about them since they were the Bullets. The only thing Washington has going for itself is Clinton Portis, and that black guy that's president.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. He proved in the NCAA Tourney that he can ball with the best of 'em as he carried the Tigers' offensive load. He won't be asked to do much in Minnesota, where he becomes the third black guy to star in the state, the first since Prince.

7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson. Curry absolutely dominated last week's workout in New York City. Too bad the Knicks will only get to see him one time per year as Don Nelson gobbles up this former mid-major gunner.

8. New York Knicks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. So, who wins more games in The Garden next year? 'Cuse or Knicks?

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California. Unless DeRozan is asked to show off his stick work for the Maple Leafs, no one in Canada will care about the orange round ball until the it becomes a hockey puck.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. Blair fits so well in Milwaukee, the Packers might pick him up as a line-man. Or someone who will take Brett Favre's knees out from under him when he dons a Minnesota Vikings jersey.

11. New Jersey Nets - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. The Nets are looking to add size to a frontcourt that features soft (Josh Boone) and softer (Yi Jianlan) and soon, softest (Mullens.)

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Gerald Henderson, Duke. Henderson won't need to wander far off tobacco road for his next road, as the Carolina connection (Air Jordan & Larry Brown) will draft the former Dukie, if only to show off their most recent championship ring to a hated rival.

13. Indiana Pacers - Eric Maynor, Virginia Commonwealth. At this point, the Pacers could draft Blake Griffin and acquire Kobe Bryant via trade and it still would not matter because their head coach would still be Jim O'Brien. Who, for the record, is terrible.

14. Phoneix Suns - Brandon Jennings, Italy. Awaiting Ricky Rubio's response.

15. Detroit Pistons - Austin Daye, Gonzaga. He allegedly dogged it at camps so he can be drafted by a non-lottery team. This makes as much sense as staying in the draft for Daye. He must be thinking about the life of luxury. That thought will be erased as soon as he enters Detroit city limits.

16. Chicago Bulls - Jrue Holiday, UCLA. It is very likely that the Bulls will be looking to trade Kirk Hinrich in order to acquire some frontcourt beef (Kaman? Bosh? Camby?) and will need a back-up to give D-Rose some time to, er, study up. I've seen Holiday in person, he's got the goods.

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. The addition of Jason Kapono means the Sixers need a drive-and-dish point guard. Lucky for them, Lawson has exceled at just that for the last three years.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Terrance Williams, Louisville. The guy could be an elite basket-filler if he keeps his head in the game. Unfortunately, I feel if Rick Pitino couldn't get the max out of him, it's not gonna happen in Minnesota.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. Based on researching prior drafts, I've come to the conclusion Atlanta is allergic to point guards. It makes me wonder: Do combo guards count?

20. Utah Jazz - Earl Clark, Louisville. Had Clark waited a few years, he could have developed in the lottery, which would have been great for his checkbook, but not so great when you're playing for the Clippers or the Thunder. I think Jerry Sloan could coach him up and get the most out of the talented big man.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Chase Budinger, Arizona. The Hornets offense operates most efficiently when CP3 can dish to any one of several gunners on the court. Budinger can shoot. Oh, and did you know he played volleyball? (This will be part of the NBA Draft drinking game.)

22. Dallas Mavericks - Patrick Mills, Saint Mary's. Jason Kidd is as good as gone, but Mills will be good as long as he doesn't let the derogatory "Paaaaatty" chants get under his skin.

23. Sacramento Kings - Omri Casspi, Israel. Sure, why not?

24. Portland Trail Blazers - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. Once upon a time, the Blazers had a bunch of tough guys. Hansbrough fits that mold, except for that whole not being a thug thing. He can work on that though, right?

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - DaJuan Summers, Georgetown. An athletic big that can play both forward spots and possibly bring down rebounds. That's gotta help a team that's gonna be chucking the ball from about 40 feet away from the basket.

26. Chicago Bulls - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. There are two people I am currently crushing on. One is Ellington, can you guess the other? I'll give you a hint, it's a girl!

27. Memphis Grizzlies - Taj Gibson, Southern California. Remember what I said about Summers? Copy and paste, here. Thanks.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Sam Young, Pittsburgh. The T'Wolves have three first-round picks. One of them has to be good, right?

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Jeff Pendergraph, Arizona State. When free agency comes a-callin', it's a safe bet the Laker frontcourt will be as depleted as the crowd at a Washington Nationals game.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Marcus Thornton, LSU. Someone needs to come off the bench and score for the Cleveland LeBrons as a rookie. Eventually Thornton will take over the scoring load once LeBron leaves for New York.

Tyler Hansbrough Is Mocking The Mocking Of The NBA Draft

It is an honor to be mocked by the hardest working, grittiest, grindy-est, hard-nosed, toughest, well-rounded player to ever lace 'em up. Ever.

These are probably a bunch of guys who sit in their basements and probably just write out mock drafts and do this or do that. They haven't followed me for four years and they haven't seen exactly what I've done or they wouldn't be saying that stuff."

For the record, Mr. Hansbrough, I do not have a basement. But I do have a one-bedroom apartment all to my lonesome. In addition, I have followed you for the last four years, and to be honest, that stunt you pulled in the library is really no laughing matter.

With that said, Tyler Hansbrough is still going to be drafted by the Utah Jazz on the premise of being a blue-collar, white male that works harder than anyone and everyone if only because he is not as gifted or talented as the other kids in the draft.

Tyler Hansbrough [Sports Radio Interviews]

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 3.0

From now on, no need to waste two posts when one post will do. How will this class rank among the best? Well, since the Bulls won't likely land another Derrick Rose, who cares?

Let's get to the hilarity, shall we?

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. The Clippers could draft five Blake Griffins and still be bad. Talent just happens to disappear once a player puts on that jersey

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. The story out of Memphis this week that Mike Conley, Jr., is, in fact, the point guard of the future. But riddle me this, who was the last "junior" to be a superstar? Ken Griffey, Jr.? I rest my case.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - James Harden, Arizona State. The building blocks of a potent offense with Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook are there. But by adding Harden, Nick Collison is your only line of frontcourt defense. Enjoy the lottery, Oklahoma City, you'll be here for a while.

4. Sacramento Kings - Ricky Rubio, Spain. Paul Westphal's run-gun-and-stun offense needs a leader, and a backcourt of Rubio and Kevin Martin could be more explosive than a meeting between Ron Artest and Milton Bradley.

5. Washington Wizards - Jordan Hill, Arizona. The Wizards remind me a lot of myself. Washington wants Griffin, Thabeet and Rubio like I want a date with Megan Fox, Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson. Guess what, none of that is happening for either of us. Sad, I know.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jrue Holiday, UCLA. One of these days, the Timberwolves will get a productive point guard. Kevin McHale is hoping draft day is that day.

7. Golden State Warriors - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. Evans swears that he took his own SAT, yet he still has a problem locating Golden State on a map. Wonder if Coach Cal can help him out.

8. New York Knicks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. The most successful point guard to play at Madison Square Garden over the last four years has not been Chris Duhon or Nate Robinson, it has been Flynn.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California. . Still think he and Lil' Romeo are a packaged deal? If I were Romeo, I'd stick around campus and hang out with Song Girls.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Eric Maynor, Virginia Commonwealth. (Insert witty reference about a smart, experienced point guard here.)

11. New Jersey Nets - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. Someone's gotta catch the bricks Vince Carter chucks up there, right?

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Stephen Curry, Davidson. Curry and LeBron James are good friends. Think this might be the first ploy to try to lure King James to Charlotte.

13. Indiana Pacers - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. The Pacers are in desperate need of a chief ball-handler and distributor. But to be honest, the Pacers aren't going anywhere as long as Jim O'Brien is running the show.

14. Phoneix Suns - Brandon Jennings, USA via Europe. It will be a homecoming of sorts for the one-time University of Arizona prospect. But without Nash, Shaq or Amare, his talent will go largely unnoticed.

15. Detroit Pistons - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. He's soft and he struggled against frickin' No. 9 seed Siena in the NCAA Tournament. Have fun with another failure in Motown, but they should be used to that by now.

16. Chicago Bulls - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. Maybe if I keep begging the Bulls to draft the sweet-shooting former Tar Heel, they will.

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. Teague represents the next generation of point guards that can handle and score. But no matter how well he does or how poor he performs, he'll be booed more lustfully than Santa Claus on Christmas morning.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Chase Buddinger, Arizona. Kevin McHale happens to love white players that were productive in college. Buddinger will fit right in with Kevin Love.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Patrick Mills, Saint Mary's. If the Hawks pass on a point guard here, they will likely never draft a point guard. Ever.

20. Utah Jazz - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. There are only so many ways you can say "Scrappy. Tough. Hard working. White. Yep, sounds like a Jerry Sloan pick right here." Until I find another, I won't change this pick.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Gerald Henderson, Duke. The former Dookie would be a sure-fire lottery pick had he gone anywhere but Duke. Other than Elton Brand and Grant Hill, name that great Duke NBA star. Can you name a productive Blue Devil that dropped out of the top-10?

22. Dallas Mavericks - Darren Collison, UCLA. The Jason Kidd Era is over, and once the New Jersey Nets management laughs off Mark Cuban's inquisition of Devin Harris' availability, the Mavs will draft the former Bruin point guard.

23. Sacramento Kings - Austin Daye, Gonzaga. I didn't know Daye was in the NBA Draft until I was handed this note from Fanhouse. Upon seeing this, the Kings will think it is a good idea to draft this guy, who totally disappeared in the NCAA Tourney for the Zags.

24. Portland Trail Blazers - Toney Douglas, Florida State. Douglas isn't the pure point guard the Trail Blazers need, but former Portland great Damon Stoudemire says he's got the cure for that.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Earl Clark, Louisville. If somehow the Thunder can walk away with Harden and Clark, the No. 9 seed in the Western Conference won't be too far behind. Wait, you say only the top eight seeds make the playoffs???

26. Chicago Bulls - Taj Gibson, Southern California. My hope is the Bulls package this pick for something of worth. Like several graduated Song Girls in search of work.

27. Memphis Grizzlies - Omri Casspi, Israel. Scouting reports suggest he needs to work on his offense, defense and strength. Welcome to Memphis, kid.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Dionte Christmas, Temple. This will put the Timberpups in a position to host a "Christmas" party joke. AmIright?

29. Los Angeles Lakers - James Johnson, Wake Forest. With LaMar Odom and Trevor Ariza likely to find bigger contracts elsewhere, Johnson would provide length and athleticism at the small forward spot. And an alibi for Kobe when he goes out to Colorado.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Damion James, Texas. Because his NBADraft.net comparison is Mickael Pietrus, known as the French Jordan, Cleveland execs can pawn this pick off as drafting the Texas edition. Texas is like a foreign country, right?

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 2.5

Earlier, I mused over part one of the second installment of the "Mocking The NBA Draft" series, in which there were some changes in the lottery portion. Let's see what is in store for the NBA Playoff teams. This is where hilarity will ensue.

15. Detroit Pistons - Eric Maynor, Virginia Commonwealth. Toward the end of the year, the Pistons backcourt was showing its age. They were showing their AARP card as they attempted to go to the lane. Maynor would be the youthful ball-handler that could help bring Detroit's basketball team back to prosperity. As for its auto industry ... not so much.

16. Chicago Bulls - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. I once said I was aroused by Ellington's form on his jump shot. I still am. Reason enough to draft the Tar Heel sharp-shooter.

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Patrick Mills, Saint Mary's. The Sixers desperately need an affordable option at the point guard spot with Andre Miller likely on his way out. Philly fans will not like this pick. Not because it's a bad pick, because Philly fans don't like anything except cheesesteak and Cole Hamels.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. One of these days, the Timbewolves will find a combo guard that will be able to run the point and fill the hoop. It could be Teague or it could be another punchline for a franchise whose best point guard looked like an extraterrestrial.

19. Atlanta Hawks - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. The Hawks have taken many risks in the draft over the years. That is why Rajon Rondo, Chris Paul and Deron Williams are elsewhere right now. Expect the unexpected from Atlanta. Check that, expect the expected ... and that means a failure of a pick.

20. Utah Jazz - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. Scrappy. Tough. Hard working. White. Yep, sounds like a Jerry Sloan pick right here. (Note: No need to change here, why waste valuable time?)

21. New Orleans Hornets - Terrance Williams, Louisville. An athletic specimen who should have been a star under Rick Pitino, could shine running alongside Chris Paul.

22. Dallas Mavericks - Chase Buddinger, Arizona. The Mavs need to add bench depth with an athletic guy who can score. Gerald Green was nice, but scoring in the dunk contest does not translate into game situations.

23. Sacramento Kings - Earl Clark, Louisville. Had Clark stayed all four years at The 'Ville, he would have been a lottery pick. Instead, his best lottery bet is if he goes to the gas station and picks some lotto numbers.

24. Portland Trail Blazers - Darren Collison, UCLA. The Blazers have wasted so much time drafting potential and if there is anything I know "potential" is shorthand for "potential to be combustable." It's time to draft someone runs offense, and not into jail.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - Taj Gibson, Southern California. The Thunder need some frontcourt thumpers, and by drafting Thabeet early, drafting Gibson here ensures that OKC will have at least one person on the court that understands the concept of rebounding.

26. Chicago Bulls - James Johnson, Wake Forest. Apparently, he played along side Jeff Teague. NBADraft.net says his draft comparable is Danny Granger. And who doesn't want Danny Granger on their team?

27. Memphis Grizzlies - Dante Cunningham, Villanova. The Grizz need size up front. Drafting an actual Grizzly bear would be a great idea at this spot. However, I do believe the bear would have to go to one year of school before becoming draft eligible. Hey bear, John Calipari is on line one.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - Toney Douglas, Florida State. Eventually, the T-Wolves will draft someone who can score. Luckily for Douglas, they won't likely make him spell S-C-O-R-E now that he is no longer in school.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Dionte Christmas, Temple. Christmas in Los Angeles headlines sound real tantalizing to column writers such as Bill Plaschke. That's a good enough reason to draft Dionte here.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - DaJuan Summers, Georgetown. What can you do with the 30th pick in the draft? Probably not much more than draft someone who will carry LeBron's bags for one year.

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 2.0

The NBA Draft Lottery has been set and we're now more than two weeks into draft prospecting. I am surprised that no one has tried making NBA Draft projecting into a career. I mean, Mel Kiper Jr. and Todd McShay have turned the NFL Draft into a beat. As has Joe Lunardi for the joke that is Bracketology. This is me trying to make the NBA Draft my personal beat. With a sense of humor to boot. Void if written without sarcasm.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. This pick is as easy as Sunday morning. Unless, of course, your Sunday morning involves trying to figure out the quickest route from her bed to your car.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Ricky Rubio, Spain. The more I think about Mike Conley, Jr. being the future point guard of the Grizz, the more I feel bad for the franchise. Think about it, outside of Ken Griffey, Jr., how many prosperous "juniors" do you know?

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. Someone has got to rebound Kevin Durant's missed shot attempts. What do you mean Durant doesn't miss shots. His career field goal percentage (especially from beyond the arc) would like to have a word with you. That word: Clank!

4. Sacramento Kings - James Harden, Arizona State. The fact that Oklahoma City has a pro basketball franchise is a joke. The fact that Sacramento has one is as funny as a one night stand saying she's pregnant. Sacramento's best hoopster is its mayor (former Suns great Kevin Johnson) and that's saying a lot.

5. Washington Wizards - Jordan Hill, Arizona. The Wiz were desperate for either Blake Griffin or Ricky Rubio. They will get neither. Enjoy Lute Olson's greatest hits, fellas.

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California. The Timberpups rebuilding project begins with someone who can score. Ever heard that song by Prince called "P**** Control" ... yeah, there will be scoring like that.

7. Golden State Warriors - Stephen Curry, Davidson. In college, Steph scored. A lot. Don Nelson's team's score. A lot. I see a perfect fit here. Sorry, New York.

8. New York Knicks - Brandon Jennings, Europe. Mike D'Antoni needs a point guard to build the East Coast edition of the Phoenix Suns, and the Knicks haven't had a half-decent point guard since. Um. Charlie Ward? Chris Childs? Ugh.

9. Toronto Raptors - Gerald Henderson, Duke. Toronto needs offense at the guard position and it will allow the Raptors to move an aging Shawn Marion. Toronto isn't Durham, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. Good news: TBDS b-ball scribe Jeff will be returning soon. Bad news: If the Bucks don't pick Flynn, they might take Jeff to run the point for them.

11. New Jersey Nets - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. Overheard in the Nets' front office: "oooh dejuan you so sexii."

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. He is big enough to fill the two-guard spot. Has enough ball-handling skills to run the point. Evans' only downfall is that he isn't coming from an ACC powerhouse.

13. Indiana Pacers - Jrue Holliday, UCLA. The Pacers need a point guard, and while I think VCU's Eric Maynor is the best pick here, Indiana hasn't made a good pick in a while. That's why they're in the draft lottery again.

14. Phoneix Suns - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. He's a winner who knows who to run a potent, up-tempo offense. That and $1.50 will get you Sunday's Chicago Sun-Times. It's the bright one, you know?

Check out The Big Dead Sidebar on Thursday for further mocking of the NBA Draft.

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 1.5

In Vol. 1 of Mocking The NBA Draft, I previewed what the teams that were simply not good enough to make the playoffs. Hence, their appearance in the draft lottery selection show. But what about the teams that will be looking to tweak its collective rosters.

15. Detroit Pistons - Gerald Henderson, Duke. Rebuilding projects are all the rage in Detroit these days, so add the Pistons backcourt to the list. But unlike the fledgling auto industry, reloading a talented backcourt shouldn't be hard. And that should start with the explosiveness Henderson could provide.

16. Chicago Bulls - DeJuan Blair, Pittsburgh. If only so I can write a blog similar to this Deadspin Deleted Scene:
"he goes up to da hottest chick on the floor she was like a mily cyrus clone an he be like heyyy shawwwtyyy u lookin dammnnn fine momma an i was like shiit son dat takes some nerve but hes blair and he the tank he gets wat he wants and he be bangin and blangin wid that girl an she was prob like oooh dejuan you so sexii and he was like yeah i am trick...."

17. Philadelphia 76ers - Jrue Holliday, UCLA. The Sixers have more athleticism than you can shake a stick at. Enter Holliday, who is a project of a point guard but should fit in with the ultra-athletic Sixers if he can learn to properly execute alley-oops to Andre Iguodala or Thaddeus Young.

18. Minnesota Timberwolves - Patrick Mills, Saint Mary's. The last time the Timberpups had a legit point guard, he kind of looked like an alien. The point guard before that acts like one now. Mills might be the safest pick in the draft outside of Blake Griffin. Which now means he will bust quicker than a stand-in on set of the "Jizz In My Pants" video.

19. Atlanta Hawks - Jeff Teague, Wake Forest. The Hawks are as desperate for a point guard as I am for a date on Friday night. Oops, my back space button doesn't work. The Hawks have passed on Chris Paul, Rajon Rondo and Rodney Stuckey. Yet, all I think about is how Teague should have been a Saluki.

20. Utah Jazz - Tyler Hansbrough, North Carolina. Scrappy. Tough. Hard working. White. Yep, sounds like a Jerry Sloan pick right here.

21. New Orleans Hornets - Toney Doughlas, Florida State. Saw this online ad in N'Orleans: "Seeking backcourt mate fond of scoring and sharing." Sounds like CP3 is asking for some help.

22. Dallas Mavericks - Darren Collison, UCLA. With the Jason Kidd Era coming to an end sooner rather than later, the Mavs are going to need a heady point guard to lead their offense. Question is: Does Collison have a Twitter account?

23. Sacramento Kings - Gani Lawal, Georgia Tech. I had no idea who this guy was, but a couple of friends say he's got potential. I won't even bother to Google him because he ain't going to my team.

24. Portland Trail Blazers - Chase Buddinger, Arizona. He's got golden, curly blonde hair and a background that includes a penchant for playing volleyball. Buddinger isn't in the mold of your everyday Jail Blazer ... and that's why he fits.

25. Oklahoma City Thunder - B.J. Mullens, Ohio State. Rapper Cam'ron seems to be more fond of the Buckeye State than the former Buckeye that will be drafted in this spot. Too bad Mullens will spend more time in the D-League than the pros in 2009-10.

26. Chicago Bulls - Terrance Williams, Louisville. Williams has all the talent, athleticism and skills in the world ... but all that and $1.50 can get you Sunday's paper. The Bulls should prepare themselves for a world without Ben Gordon. At least Williams won't pout when he's coming off the bench next year.

27. Memphis Grizzlies - Taj Gibson, Southern California. Gibson and former Trojan teammate O.J. Mayo will be reunited as the Grizzlies still search for someone that can rebound missed baskets, a key element in what is called "defense" in basketball. Tim Floyd will pay for that ticket.

28. Minnesota Timberwolves - DaJuan Summers, Georgetown. If you give the Timberwolves enough draft picks, they will either pick someone who is worth a damn ... or trade it to the Lakers. Let's see what Kevin McHale has up his sleeve this time around.

29. Los Angeles Lakers - Dante Cunningham, Villanova. The Lakers could lose Trevor Ariza and Lamar Odom, turning their second biggest strength (frontcourt presence) into a weakness. Doesn't matter who they pick here as long as Kobe Bryant still takes the court 82 times a season.

30. Cleveland Cavaliers - Dionte Christmas, Temple. Because once LeBron leaves Cleveland for New York, Cavs fans are going to be begging for Christmas presents year round.

Mocking The NBA Draft, Vol. 1

A long time ago, in a blogosphere far, far away, a young, up-and-coming sports blogger provided his thoughts on the upcoming NBA Draft. That post of insight and comedic relief helped springboard The Big Dead Sidebar, so I figure I'd bring back one of my favorite segments.

Void if without sarcasm.

1. Los Angeles Clippers - Blake Griffin, Oklahoma. It's all over but the crying. The consensus No. 1 pick will go from potential star to probable bust once he puts on a Clippers jersey. The good news, kid: You're going to L.A. The bad news: You're not playing with Kobe. Enjoy playing in front of Penny Marshall and 1,700 of her closest friends.

2. Memphis Grizzlies - Hasheem Thabeet, UConn. The people in Memphis are convinced Mike Conley Jr. is the point guard of the future. I'm convinced their spending more time on Beale Street than paying attention to their basketball team. At least Thabeet will provide a defensive presence to a team that last year couldn't grab a rebound if it was served to them on a platter.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder - Ricky Rubio, Spain. Think Rubio is regretting declaring for the NBA Draft? It will be a tough transition to go from a cultural gold mine like Spain to ... well ... Oklahoma. Ouch!

4. Sacramento Kings - James Harden, Arizona State. Poor Sacramento, they went from being on the verge of drafting Blake Griffin to draft lottery afterthought in a matter of moments. It's hard to write up something about a team that hasn't been relevant since Vlade Divac skipped town.

5. Washington Wizards - Jordan Hill, Arizona. The Wiz could have done a Bulls-like leap up the Eastern Conference standings had they landed the No. 1 pick and Blake Griffin. Instead, they will have to settle for the 6-foot-9-inch frontcourt thunder. How long before Hill and Agent Zero are exchanging love stories about Lute Olson?

6. Minnesota Timberwolves - Tyreke Evans, Memphis. Evans is versatile enough to fill one of the T-Wolves' two biggest holes, whether it be at point guard or at small forward. Too bad this pick will end up being traded to the Boston Celtics in exchange for Brian Scalabrene.

7. Golden State Warriors - Brandon Jennings, Greece. The Warriors have about $20 million locked up in their backcourt. Unfortunately, about $9 million will go to the albatross that is Jamal Crawford. Eh, screw it. It's time to bring back NellieBall by running four guard offenses on the road to respectability.

8. New York Knicks - Stephen Curry, Davidson. Step one in conning LeBron James into signing with the Knicks is by drafting his sharp-shooting, media darling of a pal. Besides, this move has been speculated before, so, it makes too much sense. And since it makes sense in the first place, expect the Knicks to go completely off the board with this one, probably drafting some Eurotrash.

9. Toronto Raptors - DeMar DeRozan, Southern California. The Raptors haven't had a legit shooting guard since Tracy McGrady wasn't a brittle boy and Vinsanity didn't play himself out of Canada. So it's time to draft DeRozan, who will say good bye to Song Girls and hello to Canadian League Football!

10. Milwaukee Bucks - Jonny Flynn, Syracuse. If I was TBDS NBA scribe Jeff, who would I want? A point guard that can distribute and play defense, and as I look down the Bucks roster, that guy does not exisist. Welcome to Milwaukee, Mr. Flynn, enjoy beer, brats and beerbrats.

11. New Jersey Nets - Earl Clark, Louisville. The Other Lopez Twin needs a frontcourt friend, preferably one that speaks English and isn't bad at basketball. Clark fits the bill here as a runner-jumper athletic specimen that Devin Harris can throw some alley-oops to.

12. Charlotte Bobcats - Wayne Ellington, North Carolina. You know what the Bobcats really need? A shooting guard. ... And another Tar Heel product. Ellington will save a buck or two in moving expenses thanks to fellow UNCers Larry Brown and Michael Jordan.

13. Indiana Pacers - Eric Maynor, Virginia Commonwealth. He slayed the Dukies and he came close to doing the same to UCLA. Maynor single-handedly put VCU on the map and helped parlay that success into Anthony Grant's first big job. He will fit in well with the Pacers, who haven't had a real point guard since the Mark Jackson Era.

14. Phoenix Suns - Ty Lawson, North Carolina. Sad, but true: Steve Nash isn't going to play forever. And the Suns really do need an heir apparent at the point, and unless the Suns have chryogenically frozen a Steve Nash clone, the choice here is the former Baby Blue Blur.

Stay tuned to The Big Dead Sidebar for more insight and draft projections as we get closer to that time. Besides, we're still in the first round of the NBA Playoffs right? That means there is plenty of time for the draft board to shuffle.