Mount Hushmore: Bill Wirtz (1) vs. Steve Bartman (4)

Who were Chicago's most embarrassing athletes?  The guys you hated so much, you considered booing them even though they were on your team.

We'll take a look at two as we continue the Mount Hushmore challenge as Bill Wirtz goes up against Steve Bartman.

Bill Wirtz

The man tried to Plax hockey in Chicago.  Ask any old-time Chicago sports fan.  They'll tell you a tale that once upon a time, the City of Broad Shoulders was not a Cubs town or a Bears town.


It was a Blackhawk hockey town.

Wirtz comes along and basically takes all the good will stored up over the years for this franchise by its fans and takes a dump on it.  High ticket prices weren't enough?  How about no home games on TV?  That alone kept this young Chicago sports fan from embracing hockey until he got to college.

It's because it wasn't available to him.

Steve Bartman

Part of me feels bad for Bartman because he's a Cubs fan.  Then there's the part of me that says, "If you're going to sit in the front row and have headphones on listening to the game ... and see Moises Alou coming at you full speed chasing a fly ball you might want to get away from the incoming ball and/or ballplayer."

Bartman's act is kin to Mrs. O'Leary's cow kicking over a lantern in 1871.

Alex Gonzalez, Dusty Baker and others take parts of the blame as well, but thanks to the vote of the people, Barman made the cut for this Mount Hushmore.

(Ed. Note from Luda: I probably should have put Bartman here in the first place.  If the Cubs make the World Series that year, I had tickets ... and a potential date.  No World Series + girl getting back with boyfriend = Pissed off.  Fuck it I'm voting for Bartman!)

 (Image via)

Now, it's your time to vote.

Who should move on to the next round.

• Bill Wirtz
• Steve Bartman

Created on Dec 9, 2009

View Results

poll by twiigs.com

Mount Hushmore: Rex Grossman (1) vs. Kordell Stewart (4)

Who were Chicago's most embarrassing athletes?  The guys you hated so much, you considered booing them even though they were on your team.

We'll take a look at two as we open the Mount Hushmore challenge as Rex Grossman and Kordell Stewart square off in a battle of sucky Bears quarterbacks.

Rex Grossman

For the sake of this blog, we're going to pretend that Rex Grossman did not quarterback the Chicago Bears to a Super Bowl run.

Without the 13-3 season, Grossman's career record as a starting quarterback with the Bears was 6-9.  Hardly the kind of record you want out of a former first round draft pick and presumed messiah.  Take away those 23 touchdown passes and 20 interceptions, Grossman threw 10 touchdowns and 15 interceptions.  Again.  Not good.  In fact, bad.  Very bad.

And yet, he was trotted out there again and again.  Maybe if he has more 20 touchdown seasons and fewer 20 interception years, he'd probably be a serviceable signal caller somewhere.

Kordell Stewart

Slash made me want to slash my wrists when he was in Chicago.

In a classic Chicago front office move, Da Bears brought in Stewart as a free agent from the Steelers hoping to catch lightening in a bottle.  Instead, the bottle was smashed over their head, shattering in a million pieces.
Stewart went 2-5 as a starter in Chicago, throwing 7 touchdowns and 12 interceptions.  His completion percentage was a career-low 50 percent.  His percentage of quality runs was much lower than that.  Stewart played one season with the Bears, and has not thrown a pass in the NFL since.

Now, it's your time to vote.

Who should move to the next round?

• Rex Grossman
• Kordell Stewart

Created on Dec 8, 2009

View Results

poll by twiigs.com

Mount Hushmore: LaTroy Hawkins (2) vs. Cade McNown (3)

Who were Chicago's most embarrassing athletes?  The guys you hated so much, you considered booing them even though they were on your team.

We'll take a look at two as we open the Mount Hushmore challenge as LaTroy Hawkins takes on Cade McNown.

LaTroy Hawkins

LaTroy Hawkins is the kind of player whose stats don't tell you the entire story of his baseball career.  Unfortunately for Hawk, the rest of the story sucks.

Hawkins signed with the Cubs before the 2004 season as he came off a monstrous year with the Minnesota Twins where he posted a 1.86 earned run average and a 1.08 WHIP in a little more than 77 innings as the ace set-up man for closer Eddie Guardado.  In 2004, Hawkins posted a 2.63 ERA.  So, why the hate?

Simply put, LaTroy Hawkins was the gas can that ignited the rallies of other teams.

In 2004, he blew X saves replacing Joe Borowski.  Now, replacing a fat, sweaty closer whose fastball topped out in the low-80s should have been a cinch.  Not for Hawkins, who single-handedly kept the 2004 Cubs out of the playoffs.  There was this game, where he gave up a pair of dingers in a loss to the eventual division champion Cardinals, this game he blew against the eventual NL Wild Card winning Astros, this game against the Mets where he gave up a game-tying home run to Victor Diaz and this game against the Reds where I went to class with the Cubs winning 2-1 and left class with the team having lose 3-2.

You would think a new year and a second chance would be good for Hawkins, who would turn that moment of good will into an Wrigley Field opening loss I traveled six hours, skipped two classes and countless other Friday night college shenanigans to watch him blow.  Things got worse in 2005, where from May 5 to May 13, he blew two saves and lost (count 'em) one, two and three games.

The highlight of Hawkins' stay in Chicago was the last day when he was shipped off for Jerome Williams and David Aardsma.

Cade McNown

You think Jay Cutler sucks?  Weren't fond of Rex Grossman?  Well, here's a piece of crap that makes Grossman look like Peyton Manning and Cutler look like Tom Brady.

Cade McClown was a clusterfuck of bad news.  Mike Ditka and other football analysts anointed him as the most pro-ready quarterback coming out of UCLA.  And UCLA has produced a pretty good pro QB once in a while.  Unfortunately for Bears fans, it wasn't McNown.

The No. 12 overall pick in the 1999 NFL draft posted a 3-12 record as Bears starter.  He was given the quarterback reigns, but because was a total dick and held out for so long, Dick Jauron found it suitable to have Shane Matthews start under center for Chicago.

Oh, that was a great move.

He eventually got the starting gig when Matthews proved to suck be injured, but would eventually pull himself out of a loss against the Rams because of his own sucktitude.

Before being traded to the Dolphins, McNown's star had fallen so far, he was battling Danny Wuerffel for third-string duties.  At least Wuerffel had a Heisman Trophy he could brag about.  McNown's only award could come here if he somehow knocks off LaTroy Hawkins.

Now, it's time for you to vote.

Who should move on to the next round?

• LaTroy Hawkins
• Cade McNown

Created on Dec 3, 2009

View Results

poll by twiigs.com

Mount Hushmore: Milton Bradley (1) vs. Todd Hundley (4)

Who were Chicago's most embarrassing athletes?  You know, the guys you hated so much, you considered booing them even though they were on your team.

We'll take a look at two as we open the Mount Hushmore challenge as Crazy Uncle Milton faces of against The Town Drunk Todd Hundley.

Milton Bradley (No. 1 seed)


Crazy Uncle Milton was doomed from the day he conned his way into a three-year $30 million contract from Jim Hendry.  But, hey, it's not like he put a gun to Hendry's box of glazed donuts and said, "Three years, thirty million ... or the donuts get pumped full of lead."

So, since that didn't happen, what did Milton do to get on this list?

Bradley hit .257 and posted an OPS of .775 while hitting 12 home runs and 40 runs batted in.  His shitty year made Micah Hoffpauir look like Adam Dunn to some Cubs fans.  He walked a bunch and earned a nice .378 OBP out of it.  That was met with a collective "meh" from Cubdom, who have seen their grandmothers walk as much as Bradley did in 2009 and bitch less about it.

In the end, it was Bradley's bitching that made him a lock as a No. 1 seed in this tournament of embarassing Chicago athletes.

Claiming to be a new man when signed in the winter, Crazy Uncle Milton quickly changed his tune when he was ejected for arguing a called third strike in his first at-bat at Wrigley Field.  He took himself out of games, wined like a pouting teenage bitch and alienated himself from his teammates, fans and coaches.
He threw a live-ball into the stands and posed before realizing you needed three outs to end an inning.  The master of all bitch-fits (Lou Piniella) had to send him home from a Cubs-White Sox game for throwing a fit after saying to his clubhouse that he wanted no more fits thrown.  He complained about not being comfortable, and basically re-ignited Piniella's bat-shit crazy side on top of it.

The straw that broke the Gatorade cooler the camel's back was this ultimate shot at the team, prompting the overreaction to send him home without desert, therefore killing his trade value.

So, not only did Bradley not help the Cubs win a title in 2009, his contract will help prevent the team from spending money toward winning a title in 2010 and 2011.

If that's not a total dick, I don't know what is.

Note: Not actually Todd Hundley. Might as well be, though.

Todd Hundley (No. 4 seed)


In the early 2000s, the Cubs had more drunk, but just as controversial of a player.  His name was Todd Hundley.

The son of beloved ex-Cub Randy Hundley, Todd signed a four-year deal worth $23.5 million in the off-season after the team finished with a 65-97 record.  Hundley was only a few years removed from reconstructive elbow surgery, so I guess you can consider him a pioneer of bad Cub signings that featured oft-injured arms.

Hundley sucked the life out of the Cubs in his brief two-year stint where he hit .199/.285/.398/.684.  He was terrible at the plate, in the field and in the clubhouse.  Hundley was met with plenty boos because of his play on the field, and coupled that with some "booze" off the field ... which really didn't help his cause whatsoever despite being one of Chicagos own.

The Cubs eventually placed the return to sender tag on Hundley, returning him to Los Angeles in exchange for Eric Karros and Mark Grudzielanek.

Hundley was also mentioned in the Mitchell Report.  Apparently, the performance-enhancing drugs never kicked-in while he played for the Cubs. Go figure.


Now, it's time for your vote.

Who should move on to the next round?

• Milton Bradley
• Todd Hundley

Created on Dec 2, 2009

View Results

poll by twiigs.com

Mount Hushmore Bracketology

Alright, gang.  The time is here to announce the brackets for the first ever Mount Hushmore of Sports.  Click here for more on the history of how this goofy idea came about.

Rather than doing a vote for four top guys, we decided to do this thing bracket style and we broke it up into four different regions.

Now, for the seedings.

The No. 1 Seeds
Milton Bradley, Rex Grossman, Bill Wirtz, Jay Mariotti

The No. 2 Seeds
LaTroy Hawkins, Cedric Benson, Theo Fluery, Rick Morrissey

The No. 3 Seeds
Kevin Gregg, The Early 2000s Bulls, Cade McNown, Chip Caray

The No. 4 Seeds
Todd Hundley, Kordell Stewart, Jamie Navarro, Steve Bartman

The Regional Match-ups

Crazy Uncle Milton Regional
Milton Bradley (1) vs. Todd Hundley (4)
LaTroy Hawkins (2) vs. Cade McNown (3)

Good Rex/Bad Rex Regional
Rex Grossman (1) vs. Kordell Stewart (4)
Cedric Benson (2) vs. Kevin Gregg (3)

Dollar Bill Regional
Bill Wirtz (1) vs. Steve Bartman (4)
Theo Fluery (2) vs. Chip Caray (3)

Asshat Regional
Jay Mariotti (1) vs. Jamie Navarro (4)
Rick Morrissey (2) vs. The Early 2000s Bulls (3)

Alright, our brackets are set.  The fun starts tomorrow with our first match-up Milton Bradley vs. Todd Hundley.  You'll get your chance to vote on these two scumbags into the next round.

Coming Soon: Mount Hushmore

Kudos to Chicago sports personality Dave Kaplan for recycling ESPN's trash and biting its Mount Rushmore of sports bit.

But it got us to thinking, what would Chicago's anti-Mount Rushmore look like?  Who were Chicago's most embarrassing athletes?  The guys you hated so much, you considered booing them even though they were on your team.

We've got an idea of who we want and we'll write profiles on them.  But we also want your suggestions, too.  Send 'em over to bigdeadsidebar@gmail.com as soon as possible with reasoning and we'll get 'em up online.

Alright, so this is the early plan.  We'll post our early nominees as they come in and at the end of each blog, you will have a choice to nominate them onto Mount Hushmore via polling.  We have established 70 percent to be the induction cut-off point.

Your early nominees are as follows: Milton Bradley, Todd Hundley, Cedric Benson, Cade McNown, Theo Fleury, Bill Wirtz, Jay Mariotti, Rick Morrissey, Jamie Navarro, Kevin Gregg, LaTroy Hawkins, The Early 2000s Bulls, Rex Grossman, Kordell Stewart and Chip Caray.

Again, suggestions to the e-mail box, please.  Heck, even to the Facebook page. 

And if you have a more creative name than Mount Hushmore, please come forth with it and we'll give you full credit.  You know, unlike Kap for jackin' the World Wide Leader.