Who's Burning Detroit? WBD4.0

[Editor's Note: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"]

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.


Last night FX debuted a show about fantasy football called “The League,” which predictably sucked and included a defense attorney giving his first overall pick in the draft to the prosecutor in exchange for knocking 5 years off his client’s sentence. Sadly, I don’t foresee an episode this season where both lawyers are disbarred and their lives fall apart around them. After what I saw of the first episode, I would really enjoy seeing that.  


I do have one suggestion for the show: Instead of having one guy’s wife secretly running his team, everyone accusing her of this and she and her husband denying it, why not have the wife have her own team in the league? Her team could consistently do better than her husband’s, and I think that constant emasculation would be funnier than what they went with. Also, to save face, I did not watch “The League” while the Bulls were playing or the World Series game was on. I caught the encore at 10:35 and it ended just in time for me to make a sandwich and watch the second half of the Nuggets-Blazers game.  


Anyway, the episode featured an inappropriate birthday song sung by Jon Lajoie, whose music videos like “Everyday Normal Guy,” “I Kill People” and “Show Me Your Genitals” made him Internet famous. (I don’t know if it’s safe to assume you’ve heard of him. On one hand, “Everyday Normal Guy” has about 12 million views on YouTube. On the other hand, I found out about him just last week.) The song he sang in the episode just OK, but hey, he’s singing about parents 69’ing and having sex in front of little kids, so that’s funny, right? Well, it was the bright spot of the episode, much like how during the last St. Louis Rams game I caught on TV, the announcer said the Rams’ punter was a bright spot for their season so far.  


Which brings us to this week’s WBD putting the spotlight on what I’m already proclaiming “The Worst Game of the 2009 NFL Season”: the 1-5 Detroit Lions vs. the 0-7 St. Louis Rams! (It’s just too bad Kyle Boller likely won’t be involved, or we could call it the worst game ever.) Sure, the Patriots’  59-0 embarrassment of the Titans was terrible, but at least that game had one team successfully executing on offense. You might see a nice catch here or there by Calvin Johnson if he plays, but that’s all you’re going to get. Never have I been so happy to be out of the St. Louis market, because guess what, those of you still there! If you don’t go to a bar at noon or have NFL Sunday Ticket, this is the only game you get to see!  


So if you’ll be stuck watching this terrible game, why not make it interesting and get your fantasy team involved with WBD? Because this week I’m not even going to suggest you pick up who I’m about to reveal. Sure, he’ll do better than someone like Muhsin Muhammad, but to pick this guy up is insane. He is owned in 1 percent of Yahoo! leagues and 0.8 percent of ESPN.com leagues. This guy is third on his team in receptions, but somehow has just seven more than Laurent Robinson, who played just two games and a little more than a quarter of a third this season. (Who? Exactly my point.) And in basically five more games, my WBD receiver has only 32 more receiving yards. How can I possibly suggest this person to you? I would have to be insane.  


But then again, let’s take a look at the free agent wideouts in my fantasy league, which is a 12-teamer. Only seven of these guys have 20 or more catches, and this guy is one of them. So that’s why I would actually suggest, if you have a need at wide receiver, to pick up the Rams’ Keenan Burton. I’d rather take a chance on him than Muhammad, Davone Bess or Mohamed Massaquoi, who will just disappoint you anyway. Burton has consistently been getting five or more passes thrown his way each week, and facing Detroit, these are more likely to turn into receptions and maybe a touchdown. While my suggestion was wrong last time with Jermichael Finley and Jordy Nelson, I think I have it right this time. At the very least, playing Burton could give you some investment in “The Worst Game of the 2009 NFL Season.”

Who's Burning Detroit? WBD3.0

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

I have to be honest, I was beginning to doubt the ability of “Who’s Burning Detroit?” to produce a good fantasy output from a receiver who is almost definitely available in any given fantasy league. It wasn’t due to the Lions shoring up their secondary or beefing up their pass rush. I think they just approach those problems like I approach my own problems: by drinking heavily. Obviously, getting piss-drunk isn’t conducive to fielding a good football team. Well, maybe in Australian rules football it is, but it could also be mandated. I’m not sure. I’ll have to check into that.

Also, I’m tired of typing out the entire phrase of “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. From now on, it’s WBD, and I’m omitting the question mark from the acronym so Word doesn’t automatically capitalize the first letter of the next word.

I had placed WBD on double secret probation after the Bears game, when I noticed the device hadn’t been successful since Week 1 against the Saints. I indicated this with my few ideas that couldn’t become regular features, for various reasons. For instance, “Who’s JaMarcus Russell Overthrowing on a Deep Route This Week?” can’t work because the acronym WJRODRTW is too long, and he’s going to be benched soon anyway. Right? I mean, only a crazy person would keep playing him … right, Al Davis. Sorry.

The point is I really had no other ideas. I also don’t want to end up giving a title to every obvious indicator of fantasy success. If it seems like I’ve come to loathe WBD like that guy in “Surrogates” came to rue his own invention of the surrogates, well, I’ll just say that my own operation to secretly take down WBD is already underway.

Uh oh, I fear I’ve said too much.

Mike Wallace was clutch saved WBD last week by doing exactly what I predicted when I wrote, “So if I’m right, will Mike Wallace coming through with a touchdown and at least 50 receiving yards make me feel better?” He scored on a 47-yard touchdown catch, and added another 5 yards to get to 52 and a touchdown. Pretty good, huh? It will take a few weeks to get WBD removed from double secret probation, but Wallace pulled it out from under the guillotine with that one catch.

Yeah, that’s right, a guillotine. Like from the French Revolution. Where do you think double secret probation originated? Back then, people were placed on double secret probation, and if they violated that, it was to the guillotine for them. I should know, I was a history minor in college.

The Lions play the Packers Sunday, and this week you get a special 2-for-1 deal. This week, I would suggest picking up Jordy Nelson and tight end Jermichael Finley. Both caught a touchdown from Aaron Rodgers in Week 4 against the Vikings, and Finley had an especially good game with 128 yards. The Lions’ poor pass defense isn’t any better suited to defending tight ends, and Nelson is owned in only 18 percent of Yahoo! leagues, so there you go. Once again, WBD really is wonderful. Only with it can you get the suggestion to start someone named Jordy on your fantasy team.

Which is exactly why it needs to be destroyed. (The wheels are in motion. You can’t stop my plan to destroy WBD now. I predict it will take 10 or 11 weeks minimum until it is complete.)

Who's Burning Detroit?

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

So if you adhered to the suggestions of last week’s installment of Who’s Burning Detroit?, you might be a little mad at me. Earl Bennett ended up as the Bears’ leading receiver with 32 yards, and Johnny Knox went for one yard less. If you are mad at me, though, get in line. I also suggested to El Ludameister that he start Darren McFadden. It doesn’t matter in place of whom. Let’s just forget about it, OK?

Luckily, that dilemma won’t arise again for another 2-4 weeks while McFadden recovers from surgery. What I find funny, though, is injured/inactive Darren McFadden will only be outscored by healthy/active Week 4 Darren McFadden by 0.2 points. I think the Raiders do things like complain about Rich Gannon announcing their games only to distract from things like this or the similarities between Al Davis and Mr. Burns in the episode where he ran the casino. It’s too easy to imagine Davis wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet or pointing a gun at Tom Cable and telling him to hop into a model airplane. And, somehow, these things aren’t as crazy as the contract he actually signed Javon Walker to. I think I read somewhere after he signed Walker to that insanely idiotic contract that Davis said, “Nothing can stop me now … except microscopic germs.”

Anyway, when I was asked if I wanted to do Who’s Burning Detroit? again this week, I thought about it for all of 2 seconds before I decided yes, yes I do. Turning down an opportunity to make fun of the Lions goes against the entire spirit of Who’s Burning Detroit?. Watching the Tigers choke away the AL Central to the Twins only inspired me further, since this season reminded me of the episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” where Larry David given a $50 bill from the sock of a friend who was out jogging when they ran into each other -- Larry keeps trying to get rid of the bill, but nobody will accept it.

In this case, the Tigers were Larry and the AL Central was the $50 bill. I’m just glad the Tigers allowed the AL Central to remain a Twins-White Sox division, even if after Tuesday’s game I was just annoyed watching the Twins celebrate, imagining how things could have been different if that line drive hadn’t hit Jake Peavy in the elbow in his final rehab start. Whatever.


Who’s Burning Detroit? is a little more difficult this week because the Lions play the Steelers, whose top two targets are certainly owned in your fantasy league unless you somehow joined a league made up entirely of monkeys. (Yeah, I’ve used that one before. So what? Find the other instance I used it and you get a prize.*) That’s OK, though. Because this week Who’s Burning Detroit? brings to you someone who I can almost guarantee is available in your league.

I present to you Mike Wallace. He is the Steelers’ No. 3 wideout and a third-round draft choice this year out of Ole Miss. Now this guy is exactly who Who’s Burning Detroit? is all about. He fits the criteria of only being owned in fantasy leagues his parents participate in. He already had a 100-yard game two weeks ago against the Bengals, but he probably only has one or two more good games in him this season, and this matchup against the Lions is one of them. So go ahead and pick up Wallace if you need a bye-week replacement or are giving thought to starting some other marginal fantasy wide receiver.


So if I’m right, will Mike Wallace coming through with a touchdown and at least 50 receiving yards make me feel better? Yes, as will the Twins inevitably being swept by the Yankees. Though I am disappointed the Twins left Jeff Manship off the postseason roster. I just like his name – he sounds like a character from “Anchorman.” Which explains why I have this urge to take Jeff Manship’s mother out to a nice seafood dinner, and never call her again.

But if Who’s Burning Detroit? fails again this week, well, I have other ideas. I was fortunate enough to start the 49ers defense for its ridiculous game against the Rams, so maybe we’ll switch this to Who’s Ramming the Rams?. Or we could go with something like Who’s JaMarcus Russell Overthrowing on a Deep Route This Week?. Or we could just turn this into a support group for owners of Matt Forte with the way things are going. The possibilities are endless.

*You will not get a prize.

Who's Burning Detroit?

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, and the Detroit Lions are coming into Soldier Field to face the Chicago Bears, I thought it would be the perfect time to bring Scott on to reprise his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"


So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

A lot has changed in the NFL since the 2007 season. Only one of the division winners from that season currently sits atop its division. LaDainian Tomlinson and Cedric Benson appear to have undergone the same sort of face-swap procedure that John Travolta and Nicolas Cage did in “Faceoff.” Tom Brady and the present-day Patriots’ offense look completely different than they did in 2007, but one unit doesn’t seem to have changed at all: the Detroit Lions’ defense.

At the request of this blog’s proprietor, Mr. Ludameister, I am bringing back a 2007 fantasy football column segment called “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. It was born in Week 3 of that season, when Eagles receiver Kevin Curtis torched Detroit for 221 yards and 3 touchdowns. Curtis would only catch three more touchdowns the rest of the season, and has only eclipsed 100 receiving yards in a game twice since. After that game I began ending my weekly fantasy football column with “Who’s Burning Detroit?”, directing readers to pick up a receiver available in most leagues who happened to be going against the Lions.

“Who’s Burning Detroit?” was perfect for fantasy owners who were hurting at the WR spot (e.g., me). The success stories that come to mind are Brandon Stokley (who went for 32 yards and a TD – not bad for a free agent pickup), Muhsin Muhammad (49 yards and a TD), Antwaan Randle El (100 yards) and Sidney Rice (53 yards and a TD). I’m pretty sure these guys were only owned in leagues that their parents participated in.
Look at that list again. Imagine if you could find a way to predict when Jason Kendall was to hit a home run or when Samuel Dalembert would score 15 points in a game. This is the magic of “Who’s Burning Detroit?”.
Just so we’re clear, I don’t consider myself a great innovator for simply giving a name to a way to take advantage of a favorable match-up. I’m sort of like the first guy to think to rob a bank, in that these are both simple ideas that nobody had acted on yet. Speaking of which, do you think the first bank robbery was really easy, like it didn’t occur to the first bank owner that someone might attempt to rob the place so he didn’t hire security? How long did the banks operate with no issues before the idea to rob one hit the original bank robber? And how would I go about researching such a subject?

And while we’re off-subject, I’d like to present to you this week’s Headline That Caused Me To Do A Double-Take: “Chicago Bear Jay Cutler playing within himself”  from the Chicago Tribune. I think it’s pretty clear what I misread that one to say. OK, let’s get back on topic.

Something’s going to have to change soon to level the playing field for the Lions. It’s not the players’ fault the team was being run by Matt Millen all those years, and he traded its only respectable cornerback for Tatum freaking Bell. If the NFL isn’t going to change the rules for the Lions, like giving them an extra three defenders on the field or suspending pass interference rules and giving them weapons, the fantasy football powers that be might want to think about cutting points scored against the Lions in half because they’re quite easy to come by.

(And I don’t know who the fantasy football powers that be are, or if they exist. I would assume they all strongly resemble Eric Karabell, though.)

But until then, the Bears hosting the Lions this week is really a perfect storm, so it’s a great time to bring back “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. Consider: Jay Cutler and his wide receivers are still getting used to each other, they could use an easy opponent to rack up points to get in sync, and two of them are available in most leagues. Johnny Knox, who’s available in 46 percent of Yahoo! leagues and 79.6 percent of ESPN.com leagues, has lately been referred to as Cutler’s new Eddie Royal. Then Earl Bennett, available in 75.4 percent of ESPN.com leagues and 73 percent of Yahoo! leagues, leads the Bears in receptions. Bennett, like Knox, was labeled Cutler’s new Eddie Royal. Not by the same person though. I don’t think so, at least.

If you could use some help at WR this week (say, if you’re an owner of the original Eddie Royal), “Who’s Burning Detroit?” suggests you pick up either one Bennett or Knox. I’d prefer Knox due to his big-play ability.

But who knows? Maybe the Lions’ win last week could be the start of a new era in Detroit, one in which they aren’t likely to give up decent points to virtually any wide receiver who faces them.