TBDS Late Night: The Dirty 30 Chronicles Return

"...And that's how I nailed Kate Hudson before A-Rod."

It's been a while since The Dirty 30 Chronicles had some fresh fodder for the folks out there. Last we heard of The Dirty One, he was batting .226 1.000 and roofying inspiring Joe Girardi and the New York Yankees.

Dirty 30 had an active offseason that included everything from being A-Rod's wingman to orchestrating a trade out of Chicago with some help from his good pal, Dirty 30 Juice. And according to my super slueths, I've got it on good authority that under the cover of night, Dirty 30 was able to strike again.

And with Dirty 30 back in Chicago for a four-game set that will surely include some post-game action, it's time to go to the vault.

"i heard Hawk's wife filed for divorce last week crazy (stuff). apparently, mark buehrle's perfect game gave him an orgasm he hasn't felt since he met carl yastrzemski at that club the same night he got roofied by nick swisher. buehrle won't go on the record, but he told me "Hawk told me he wanted to (perform an oral favor), but didn't call no homo. Now I gotta slap a restraining order on him. good thing swisher aint still on the team, or hawk mighta borrowed some pill. that's part of the reason he got traded. he slipped buehrle something and hawk and swish tag-teamed. i heard kenny williams caught em in the locker room and was jealous that he didn't get the invite."

Not sure what to make of any of this. But I wouldn't be surprised if something wasn't slipped into Jim Hendry's drink when he re-signed Ryan Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract.

The conversation probably went something like this:

AGENT: Hi, Jim. My client Mr. Dempster is coming off an outstanding year in which he won 17 games, pitched 200 innings and appeared in the All Star Game. He also was your Game One starter.
HENDRY: Well, that's great. But Mr. Dempster hasn't pitched 200 innings in back-to-back years since 2000-02. In his two previous years with the Cubs, he didn't even rack up 200 innings in relief. His record going into next year will be 76-81. And while he's coming off a career year, he choked it up big time in Game One.
(Hendry begins coughing, choking after engulfing two dozen double-glazed donuts)
AGENT (handing Hendry an unmarked bottle): I want you to drink this, it'll make everything better.
HENDRY (grabs bottle and takes a swig): Oh, wow! What is this?
AGENT (removes mask and reveals himself as Dirty 30): It's Dirty 30 Juice. Now, let's talk about an extension for Mr. Dempster.
HENDRY: Here's a blank check for a four-year deal.
DIRTY 30: Even when I'm not in the batters box, I'm battin' 1.000. (Winks.)

It wasn't long after that when Dirty 30 put on his favorite love jams.

Mood Muzak from jeff on Vimeo.

Leads That Make You Go Hmmmmmm

One of the forgotten aspects of this blog has been its penchant for quality sports writing. Sometimes, I think that gets lost while balancing school, work, schoolwork and that thing called real life.

Anyway, while being inundated by Web link after Web link insisting Jake Peavy would be joining a Chicago baseball team eventually, I tripped across a piece of journalistic nose gold that dripped from the pen and onto the keyboard of Chicago Tribune scribe Phil Rogers.

"Swisherlicious."

That's what some New York Yankees players are calling the good times they've had during their winning streak, which ended at nine games Friday night.

And in a matter of two months, Dirty 30 has soiled the entire Yankees organization.

He's the only player in Major League history to raise his batting average to 1.000 without lifting the bat off his shoulder.

It won't be long until another college hottie is lapping it up after getting some "Swisher Sweetness."

I think it's time for me to place another order of "Dirty 30 Juice" because my supply is on low and I'm in a massive slump.

Nick Swisher, Joe Girardi inspire New York Yankees [Chicago Tribune]

Wang hit hard, Swisher cleans up late

Sure, it's a headline ... but it's also a headline.

The New York Yankees got the snot knocked out of them by the Tampa Bay Rays in St.Petersberg, Fla., on Monday. The Rays beat the Yanks 15-5 as starter Chien-Ming Wang allowed eight runs (all earned) on six hits in only one inning of work.

So, when Wang made a premature exit, it was only fitting that resident punchline Nick Swisher wrapped up the loss by pitching a scoreless bottom of the eighth. Not to mention he struck out a batter (insert reference to Swisher swinging-and-missing on a college cutie here) and hit his third homer of the year.

Swisher is currently batting .450, that's .550 points below where he wants to be.

And that's batting 1.000!

Batting .667

It's early April, so maybe he's not in midseason form just yet, but Dirty 30 is batting .667.

“It’s good to get the win, especially after the way the first couple games had gone,” said Swisher, obtained in an offseason trade with the Chicago White Sox. “A.J. pitched great, Tex and Cano and myself all hit bombs. We have a lot of guys getting it going at the plate and the energy level is high.”

And after the game, A.J., Tex and Cano all hit jager bombs and enjoyed the Baltimore club scene.

Thus starting the 2009 Dirty 30 Chronicles!

Trio of newcomers lead Yankees [Yahoo!]

Methinks Will Leitch just got Dirty Thirty'd

I'm sure Mr. Leitch does not read this blog, but if anyone should read anything on this site for comical purposes, it's the Dirty 30 Chronicles. Check out Leitch's feature, which spawned this from his Ten Humans column blog:

If the Yankees get off to a good start this year, you're going to read about 50,000 stories concerning Swisher's "loosening up of the Yankees clubhouse," and while I can't tell you whether that's true or not (thank God), I can say that Swisher's going to do everything in his power to make sure those stories happen.

Insert "Batting 1.000" punchline here.

But wait there's more:

By mid-May, I suspect he'll be dry humping Mariano Rivera's leg.

Rivera's leg, Jeter's girl, A-Rod's mirror ... among other things.

Nick Swisher wants to take that 1.000 batting average on to the field

The New York Daily News reports that Yuri Sucart, A-Roid's supplier, driver, (cuddle buddy?) will no longer be allowed on the team's complex.

But talk about the buried lead (italicizing done by yours truly):

"Following Wednesday's game against the Blue Jays in Dunedin, Sucart drove a dark red Chevy Suburban into a restricted area less than 50 yards from the Yankees' clubhouse. A-Rod and Nick Swisher, along with two unidentified men, got in the SUV and headed back to Tampa."

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Two unidentified men? That's not the Nick Swisher I know.

In an unrelated(?) story, Derek Jeter drove away with three blondes, two brunettes and a red head.

Yankees ban Alex Rodriguez's cousin Yuri Sucart from team facilities [NY Daily News]

The Dirty 30 Chronicles: Ladies, watch out, Nick Swisher is 16 pounds lighter in 2009

Pitchers and catchers have reported and look who is already making headlines. TBDS' favorite punchline ... The Dirtiest of the Thirtiest.

He's out of Chicago and spending time in the Big Apple and is a little more trim so he can compete with Derek Jeter's boner.

"The twinkle is back and Nick Swisher can't wait to tackle another Major League Baseball season.

Swisher returned to his old stomping grounds on the campus of Parkersburg High School during Monday's press conference inside Jack Stephens Memorial Gym to announce the former PHS standout as the spokesman with Broughton Foods Company."

Valentine's Day sucked for me. But reading the first two paragraphs of this story just made my day.

Lighter Swisher ready to join New York Yankees [News & Sentinel]

The Final Installment of the Dirty 30 Chronicles (A.K.A. The End of an Era Pt. II)

It was a short lived run in Chicago, but it is the end of a bittersweet era on the South Side of Chicago.

Dirty 30, we hardly knew ye.

Granted, we'd know you better if you didn't give us "The Dirty 30 Special" but we'll let it slide. Thanks for the free beer over at that establishment over by DePaul ... I'm sure the girls there will miss you.

If they ever remember you after they fall victim to your charm and your ability to bat 1.000 off the field despite holding a .200 average on the field.

And finally the truth is coming out about the Dirty One ... apparently Joe Cowley of the Sun-Times got ahold of this blog or used his own sources to find out what I already knew.

"It was an easy Kool-Aid to drink in April, when (Dirty 30) was bringing a solid resume from Oakland and giving the White Sox a new-look, high-on-base-percentage mentality atop their lineup.

By September, the Sox were trying to find a dark corner in which to regurgitate that ''Dirty 30'' juice they all had taken big gulps of."

"'Dirty 30' juice" - that's what it's called. That's how he picked up her up. Man, where can I get some? I guess I've gotta head out east way and meet up with Swish. You think he sells it in cases? You think he'll hang out with Jay-Z at the 40/40 Club? You think he'll sell it there?

I think he'll be just fine in New York, especially after reading this transcript obtained by one of my super-secret sleuth spies after the trade went down. Thank goodness for the Patriot Act.

Kenny Williams, Brian Cashman and Dirty 30 walk into an establishment together, grab some drinks and have a seat.

KW: Nick, I'd like you to meet my friend Brian. He works in New York.

D30: Whaddup B-Dizzle?

BC: Salutations, Nick.

KW: Well, I've brought you guys here to see how you two work together. I've got to take this call.

Williams walks away from conversation, cell phone in hand.

BC: Nick, what do you bring to the table.

D30: Man, I've got mad on-base skills.

BC: Well, Nick, that's a concern for us. You were on base only 33 percent of the time last season.
A career low.

D30: Really? I'd tend to disagree because I have proof to the contrary. Did I tell you I'm versatile at many positions?

BC: I see that you've played in all three outfield positions and first base, but convince me that last season's .219 batting average was just a fluke.

Dirty 30 waves for bartender

D30: Hey, sweetheart. Give him some "Dirty 30 juice."

Bartender hands Cashman a glass with what is presumably "Dirty 30 juice." He drinks.

BC: Man, this is the good sh-t.

D30: I told you I was capable of batting 1.000!

Photo Credit: Baseball Authority

The Nick Swisher Chronicles

Photo courtesy of Bullpenbaker.mlblogs.com

The Tampa Bay Rays defeated the Chicago White Sox 6-4 in Game 4 of the ALDS, winning the series 3 games to 1, eliminating the Pale Hose from the postseason

The South Siders have a lot of decisions to make before next season begins, one of which is whether or not OF/1B Nick Swisher should return next season.

I was able to get an exclusive transcript of the conversation from one of my sources between Dirty 30 and White Sox GM Kenny Williams at a local Chicago drinking establishment.

KENNY WILLIAMS (standing at the bar): Nick, we need to talk about your future on the team.

DIRTY 30 (walks away from pretty blonde girl): Yo! Yo! Yo! What's up K-Willie? Are you silly?

KW: Dirty, I'm not sure if we're going to bring you back next season.

D30: Why? I thought I had a good year. We made the playoffs and we had more fans this year than in the last 10. I think I had something to do with that.

KW: Well, Dirty, to be honest, your offense could have been better.

D30: What do you mean? I hit 24 home runs this season.

KW: Yeah, but you only hit .219.

D30: What are you talking about?

KW: Your batting average, it was only .219. That's almost pathetic for a guy who is eligible to make more than $21 million over the next three years.

D30: Really? My batting average was too low?

KW: Yes, Dirty. You need to convince me to bring you back next year.
(Dirty 30 proceeds to pass his hand over Kenny's bottle of Colt 45, which begins to suddenly sizzle.)

D30: Now I'm batting 1.000!

KW: Welcome back to the team.