Who's Burning Detroit? WBD3.0

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

I have to be honest, I was beginning to doubt the ability of “Who’s Burning Detroit?” to produce a good fantasy output from a receiver who is almost definitely available in any given fantasy league. It wasn’t due to the Lions shoring up their secondary or beefing up their pass rush. I think they just approach those problems like I approach my own problems: by drinking heavily. Obviously, getting piss-drunk isn’t conducive to fielding a good football team. Well, maybe in Australian rules football it is, but it could also be mandated. I’m not sure. I’ll have to check into that.

Also, I’m tired of typing out the entire phrase of “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. From now on, it’s WBD, and I’m omitting the question mark from the acronym so Word doesn’t automatically capitalize the first letter of the next word.

I had placed WBD on double secret probation after the Bears game, when I noticed the device hadn’t been successful since Week 1 against the Saints. I indicated this with my few ideas that couldn’t become regular features, for various reasons. For instance, “Who’s JaMarcus Russell Overthrowing on a Deep Route This Week?” can’t work because the acronym WJRODRTW is too long, and he’s going to be benched soon anyway. Right? I mean, only a crazy person would keep playing him … right, Al Davis. Sorry.

The point is I really had no other ideas. I also don’t want to end up giving a title to every obvious indicator of fantasy success. If it seems like I’ve come to loathe WBD like that guy in “Surrogates” came to rue his own invention of the surrogates, well, I’ll just say that my own operation to secretly take down WBD is already underway.

Uh oh, I fear I’ve said too much.

Mike Wallace was clutch saved WBD last week by doing exactly what I predicted when I wrote, “So if I’m right, will Mike Wallace coming through with a touchdown and at least 50 receiving yards make me feel better?” He scored on a 47-yard touchdown catch, and added another 5 yards to get to 52 and a touchdown. Pretty good, huh? It will take a few weeks to get WBD removed from double secret probation, but Wallace pulled it out from under the guillotine with that one catch.

Yeah, that’s right, a guillotine. Like from the French Revolution. Where do you think double secret probation originated? Back then, people were placed on double secret probation, and if they violated that, it was to the guillotine for them. I should know, I was a history minor in college.

The Lions play the Packers Sunday, and this week you get a special 2-for-1 deal. This week, I would suggest picking up Jordy Nelson and tight end Jermichael Finley. Both caught a touchdown from Aaron Rodgers in Week 4 against the Vikings, and Finley had an especially good game with 128 yards. The Lions’ poor pass defense isn’t any better suited to defending tight ends, and Nelson is owned in only 18 percent of Yahoo! leagues, so there you go. Once again, WBD really is wonderful. Only with it can you get the suggestion to start someone named Jordy on your fantasy team.

Which is exactly why it needs to be destroyed. (The wheels are in motion. You can’t stop my plan to destroy WBD now. I predict it will take 10 or 11 weeks minimum until it is complete.)

Who's Burning Detroit?

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, here he is with a new rendition of his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

So if you adhered to the suggestions of last week’s installment of Who’s Burning Detroit?, you might be a little mad at me. Earl Bennett ended up as the Bears’ leading receiver with 32 yards, and Johnny Knox went for one yard less. If you are mad at me, though, get in line. I also suggested to El Ludameister that he start Darren McFadden. It doesn’t matter in place of whom. Let’s just forget about it, OK?

Luckily, that dilemma won’t arise again for another 2-4 weeks while McFadden recovers from surgery. What I find funny, though, is injured/inactive Darren McFadden will only be outscored by healthy/active Week 4 Darren McFadden by 0.2 points. I think the Raiders do things like complain about Rich Gannon announcing their games only to distract from things like this or the similarities between Al Davis and Mr. Burns in the episode where he ran the casino. It’s too easy to imagine Davis wearing Kleenex boxes on his feet or pointing a gun at Tom Cable and telling him to hop into a model airplane. And, somehow, these things aren’t as crazy as the contract he actually signed Javon Walker to. I think I read somewhere after he signed Walker to that insanely idiotic contract that Davis said, “Nothing can stop me now … except microscopic germs.”

Anyway, when I was asked if I wanted to do Who’s Burning Detroit? again this week, I thought about it for all of 2 seconds before I decided yes, yes I do. Turning down an opportunity to make fun of the Lions goes against the entire spirit of Who’s Burning Detroit?. Watching the Tigers choke away the AL Central to the Twins only inspired me further, since this season reminded me of the episode of “Curb Your Enthusiasm” where Larry David given a $50 bill from the sock of a friend who was out jogging when they ran into each other -- Larry keeps trying to get rid of the bill, but nobody will accept it.

In this case, the Tigers were Larry and the AL Central was the $50 bill. I’m just glad the Tigers allowed the AL Central to remain a Twins-White Sox division, even if after Tuesday’s game I was just annoyed watching the Twins celebrate, imagining how things could have been different if that line drive hadn’t hit Jake Peavy in the elbow in his final rehab start. Whatever.


Who’s Burning Detroit? is a little more difficult this week because the Lions play the Steelers, whose top two targets are certainly owned in your fantasy league unless you somehow joined a league made up entirely of monkeys. (Yeah, I’ve used that one before. So what? Find the other instance I used it and you get a prize.*) That’s OK, though. Because this week Who’s Burning Detroit? brings to you someone who I can almost guarantee is available in your league.

I present to you Mike Wallace. He is the Steelers’ No. 3 wideout and a third-round draft choice this year out of Ole Miss. Now this guy is exactly who Who’s Burning Detroit? is all about. He fits the criteria of only being owned in fantasy leagues his parents participate in. He already had a 100-yard game two weeks ago against the Bengals, but he probably only has one or two more good games in him this season, and this matchup against the Lions is one of them. So go ahead and pick up Wallace if you need a bye-week replacement or are giving thought to starting some other marginal fantasy wide receiver.


So if I’m right, will Mike Wallace coming through with a touchdown and at least 50 receiving yards make me feel better? Yes, as will the Twins inevitably being swept by the Yankees. Though I am disappointed the Twins left Jeff Manship off the postseason roster. I just like his name – he sounds like a character from “Anchorman.” Which explains why I have this urge to take Jeff Manship’s mother out to a nice seafood dinner, and never call her again.

But if Who’s Burning Detroit? fails again this week, well, I have other ideas. I was fortunate enough to start the 49ers defense for its ridiculous game against the Rams, so maybe we’ll switch this to Who’s Ramming the Rams?. Or we could go with something like Who’s JaMarcus Russell Overthrowing on a Deep Route This Week?. Or we could just turn this into a support group for owners of Matt Forte with the way things are going. The possibilities are endless.

*You will not get a prize.

Bears Buzz: They Are Who We Thought They Were (And They Still Suck)

Bears Buzz is the new segment which provides insight, analysis and below-the-belt shots at Chicago's opponents throughout the year. This week, the Detroit Lions reverted to their old ways.  Not that it wasn't expected, and believe me, no one in Chicago minded.

The numbers were deceiving.

The Lions ran 18 more plays, gained 122 more yards, converted 11 more first downs and possessed the ball for 13 more minutes.

And they still lost.

Welcome back to reality, Detroit.

Jay Cutler completed 18 of 28 passes (64 percent) and threw for only 141 yards and posted a passer rating of 100.4.  I'm unsure how I should feel about Cutler some times because he's not putting up the gaudy numbers I expected him to put up upon arrival in Chicago.  An aerial attack it has yet to become with Cutler under center.  For the most part he has played right into the hands of Ron Turner's inept, yet somehow, efficient offense.  Last year, Bears fans would have thrown a parade down Michigan Avenue had the team scored three red zone touchdowns in a game.  Now, they're ticked if they have to settle for a field goal.

And the Bears didn't need lengthy scoring drives, especially not when they were starting every other drive in enemy territory.  In fact, only one player touched the ball on the team's longest scoring drive of the day.  Johnny Knox, welcome to the good life.

In the first half, it looked like a professional football team lined up opposite of the Bears.  Then, the real Detroit Lions showed up.  You know, the ones that was win-less 19 of its last 20 attempts.  Yeah, those guys.

The Lions performed like a typical Ford product.  After losing its luster in the first-half, Detroit crashed, burned and was deemed as a complete and utter wreck in the second half.  It was reminiscent of how most Ford owners feel after purchasing their new ride only to watch it fall apart as soon as it leaves the lot.

Matthew Stafford threw for 296 yards and a touchdown, living up to the billing of why he was the No. 1 overall pick in last year's draft.  But after he was injured on being sacked by Adawale Ogunleye, on came Dante Culpepper.  In 2002, that would have meant doom.  But without Randy Moss, the one-time Madden cover boy was subdued.  So was the rest of Detroit's offense.  Running back Kevin Smith's existence became neutralized because he was nowhere near the goal line as he rushed for only 30 yards.  The Lions went three-and-out on three of their four third quarter possessions.  All that added up to scoring three measly points after intermission.

The Bears' offense wasn't much better at times in the second half.  However, Chicago was without it's top wideout in Devin Hester.  What's Detroit's excuse?

Oh, wait.  They're the Lions.

Thom Brenneman and the FOX broadcast team gushed over how confident the Lions were coming out of the gate.  They played like the kid who finally got laid after a lengthy drought as they made up for lost time, taking advantage of their emotional high.  But when they looked in the mirror, it all fell apart.  It won't be long before Detroit will be calling Washington out for another bail out plan as the Cowardly Lions will face Pittsburgh and Green Bay before hitting the bye.

Then everyone can strap themselves in for what will be the worst professional football game in the history of pro ball as the Lions host the St. Louis Rams.

First team to get into the red zone wins.  Deal?

Oh yeah, Robbie Gould, thanks to your 14-point week (and 52-yard field goal), you helped my fantasy team avoid complete embarrassment as you outscored Marques Colston and Darren McFadden. Unless Percy Harvin and Minnesota's defense go ape shit, while Adrian Peterson sits out thinking there will be a playoff game in The Dome tonight, I'll fall to 1-3 on the season.  Oh, and I have Donald Driver too.  Can you say conflict of interest?

Dear Matt Forte, 

Thanks for showing up to the party.  And double thanks for not showing up empty handed.  Please make this a weekly occurrence. 

Sincerely,

Bears fans

Cutler vs. Orton Picking Up Steam After Week 4 Wins. Are Possibilities Endless?

At times, I find myself peeking on the status of Kyle Orton as if he was an ex and as if his games are his Facebook status updates.  I really do not care what Orton does for the most part, because I'm happy with my new love interest quarterback, Jay Cutler.

Cutler, again, was better than good as he creeps toward being spectacular in the Chicago Bears' 48-24 win against the Detroit Lions.  He completed of 18 of 28 passes -- two of which went for touchdown scores.  One of said TD passes was a 4th-and-1 pitch-and-catch with tight end Greg Olson after Cutler also ran in for a 5-yard touchdown, flying through the air in way that resembled John Elway's Super Bowl scamper against the Green Bay Packers in 1998.

The 121 passing yards fall about 179 short of what I expected him to do, but in the end, it's about the wins right?

And that is exactly what people said about Kyle Orton's time in Chicago and what they're saying about his 4-0 start with the Denver Broncos.

For the second time this season, one of Orton's receivers turned an underthrown ball into a game-winning touchdown.  This time, it was Brandon Marshall, who came away with a pass intended for Dallas Cowboys cornerback Terrance Newman and ran it in 51 yards for a touchdown.  And unlike Cutler, Cowboys QB Tony Romo could not pull out a game-tying score as he continues to fail miserably and fall short of the lofty expectations laid at his feet by the mass media.

If there is such a thing as a group of "Football Gods," it seems as if they are sending the Bears and Broncos on a collision course that would culminate in a Super Bowl that will be filled with more drama than Eugene Robinson's night with a hooker cop.

Pigskin Pimpin: Week 4

Football stuff and gratuitous cheerleader photos after the jump.

Just because the Detroit Lions actually picked up a win for the first time since 2007 does not mean these ain't your daddy's Lions.  I guess I'll have to be he who brings the bad news.  The Lions -- despite the win -- have still been outscored 86-59 in the season's first three weeks.  And other than the mild success the team enjoyed against the Redskins, the Lions are still cowardly in my eyes.

In Week 1, Drew Brees torched Detroit's "D" for 358 yards and six (!) touchdown passes.  Mike Bell rushed for 143 yards.  Against the Minnesota Vikings, Brett Favre had a pedestrian 155-yard passing game in which he threw two touchdowns without throwing a pick.  Adrian Peterson gained only 92 yards and a touchdown.

Just looking at the box scores is making Matt Forte -- and his fantasy owners -- foam at the mouth.  As for Jay Cutler, he could fatten up on the Lions as well.  But this might be the week in which Forte busts through the wall that has met him thus far in his sophomore season.

For more advice see our special guest blog by Scott Mieszala, "Who's Burning Detroit?"

One of my favorite football players I never got a chance to cover was Deji Karim.  OK, well, I kinda covered him.  Karim wore a medical red-shirt last season -- only one year after ranking third on the football Salukis in rushing touchdowns.  Now that he is 100 percent healthy, Karim is showing why head coach Dale Lennon and the training staff is a genius for talking him into redshirting last season.

Karim opened Southern Illinois' 30-10 win against Western Illinois with a 92-yard touchdown run from the team's first play from scrimmage.  He would go on to pick up 282 all-purpose yards in the 20-point win that helped move the Dawgs to 3-1 overall and 2-0 in the Missouri Valley Conference play.  The win was the school's 400th in the school's history.

Deji is one of those rare backs that combines power and speed.  While a lot of the pre-season focus was directed at SIU's highly touted defense, Karim is turning out to be the offense's "X-factor" early in the 2009 campaign.

More on Karim in the coming days.

Then there's this for friend and faithful TBDS reader Marcus, whose Michigan State Spartans defeated my Michigan Wolverines.

My Michigan Wolverines, you ask?  Allow me to explain.

As a child, the state of Illinois didn't have any good college football teams.  Northwestern had its Rose Bowl run with Gary Barnett before he skipped town for Colorado.  Then there was the Ron Turner Era at Illinois.  So, I latched myself to Michigan's bandwagon because they were on TV every week.  I found myself cheering for guys such as Brian Griese and Charles Woodson.  That carried throughout my high school and collegiate years.

Last season, I un-latched myself from the Big Blue bandwagon because of the hiring of Rich Rodriguez.  As much as I love watching the spread offense, I have two issues with the whole situation.  Issue No. 1 is Rodriguez himself, who comes off as un-trustworthy as your local used car salesman.  I have a slight problem with someone so willing to leave their alma mater at a whim.  My second issue is with the spread offense.

Again, don't get me wrong, I like the spread.  It's fun to watch and fun to write about.  But the spread is like the fad all the kids make so popular, adults find a way to like it and implement it in their lives.  Watching teams like Michigan and Ohio State, who have thrived with pro prospects in pro-style offenses, convert to a modified spread formation is like finding out your mom listening to Drake's mixtape.

The so-called little guys used to use the spread in an attempt to create the match-up problems that come with pitting linebackers against wide receivers.  Now, with everyone running the spread, not only will it hurt some of the game's fundamentals ... it will also hurt pro football as well.  No one runs the spread in the NFL.  Do you know why?  That's because everyone is big and fast.

But now that Michigan (despite Saturday's loss) is starting to reap the benefits of its new system, I might re-latch myself to the Wolverines' bandwagon.

Maybe.

Who's Burning Detroit?

[Editor's Note]: Last year, Scott Mieszala served as my Assistant Sports Editor before I went all Dusty Baker on him and burned him out midway through the semester.  Still, Scott presented his highly regarded weekly columns.  The fact that he is without a job while scabs such as Rick Morrissey and Chris DeLuca are still employed is a sad.  Someone, hire him.  With that said, and the Detroit Lions are coming into Soldier Field to face the Chicago Bears, I thought it would be the perfect time to bring Scott on to reprise his award-winning column, "Who's Burning Detroit?"


So, who will it be this week?  Find out after the jump.

A lot has changed in the NFL since the 2007 season. Only one of the division winners from that season currently sits atop its division. LaDainian Tomlinson and Cedric Benson appear to have undergone the same sort of face-swap procedure that John Travolta and Nicolas Cage did in “Faceoff.” Tom Brady and the present-day Patriots’ offense look completely different than they did in 2007, but one unit doesn’t seem to have changed at all: the Detroit Lions’ defense.

At the request of this blog’s proprietor, Mr. Ludameister, I am bringing back a 2007 fantasy football column segment called “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. It was born in Week 3 of that season, when Eagles receiver Kevin Curtis torched Detroit for 221 yards and 3 touchdowns. Curtis would only catch three more touchdowns the rest of the season, and has only eclipsed 100 receiving yards in a game twice since. After that game I began ending my weekly fantasy football column with “Who’s Burning Detroit?”, directing readers to pick up a receiver available in most leagues who happened to be going against the Lions.

“Who’s Burning Detroit?” was perfect for fantasy owners who were hurting at the WR spot (e.g., me). The success stories that come to mind are Brandon Stokley (who went for 32 yards and a TD – not bad for a free agent pickup), Muhsin Muhammad (49 yards and a TD), Antwaan Randle El (100 yards) and Sidney Rice (53 yards and a TD). I’m pretty sure these guys were only owned in leagues that their parents participated in.
Look at that list again. Imagine if you could find a way to predict when Jason Kendall was to hit a home run or when Samuel Dalembert would score 15 points in a game. This is the magic of “Who’s Burning Detroit?”.
Just so we’re clear, I don’t consider myself a great innovator for simply giving a name to a way to take advantage of a favorable match-up. I’m sort of like the first guy to think to rob a bank, in that these are both simple ideas that nobody had acted on yet. Speaking of which, do you think the first bank robbery was really easy, like it didn’t occur to the first bank owner that someone might attempt to rob the place so he didn’t hire security? How long did the banks operate with no issues before the idea to rob one hit the original bank robber? And how would I go about researching such a subject?

And while we’re off-subject, I’d like to present to you this week’s Headline That Caused Me To Do A Double-Take: “Chicago Bear Jay Cutler playing within himself”  from the Chicago Tribune. I think it’s pretty clear what I misread that one to say. OK, let’s get back on topic.

Something’s going to have to change soon to level the playing field for the Lions. It’s not the players’ fault the team was being run by Matt Millen all those years, and he traded its only respectable cornerback for Tatum freaking Bell. If the NFL isn’t going to change the rules for the Lions, like giving them an extra three defenders on the field or suspending pass interference rules and giving them weapons, the fantasy football powers that be might want to think about cutting points scored against the Lions in half because they’re quite easy to come by.

(And I don’t know who the fantasy football powers that be are, or if they exist. I would assume they all strongly resemble Eric Karabell, though.)

But until then, the Bears hosting the Lions this week is really a perfect storm, so it’s a great time to bring back “Who’s Burning Detroit?”. Consider: Jay Cutler and his wide receivers are still getting used to each other, they could use an easy opponent to rack up points to get in sync, and two of them are available in most leagues. Johnny Knox, who’s available in 46 percent of Yahoo! leagues and 79.6 percent of ESPN.com leagues, has lately been referred to as Cutler’s new Eddie Royal. Then Earl Bennett, available in 75.4 percent of ESPN.com leagues and 73 percent of Yahoo! leagues, leads the Bears in receptions. Bennett, like Knox, was labeled Cutler’s new Eddie Royal. Not by the same person though. I don’t think so, at least.

If you could use some help at WR this week (say, if you’re an owner of the original Eddie Royal), “Who’s Burning Detroit?” suggests you pick up either one Bennett or Knox. I’d prefer Knox due to his big-play ability.

But who knows? Maybe the Lions’ win last week could be the start of a new era in Detroit, one in which they aren’t likely to give up decent points to virtually any wide receiver who faces them.

Why Your Team Won't Beat Da Bears In The Super Bowl: The Cowardly Detroit Lions

Even PicApp refuses to acknowledge the Lions' existence.

Last season, the Detroit Lions became the first team in NFL history to lose each and every game of a 16-game schedule. This year, the Lions will attempt to repeat avoid that dubious feat.

The good news for the Lions is that they have a new coach, a new quarterback (whose GF has great cans) and even a new logo. The bad news for the Lions is that they play in Detroit and are still a franchise that hasn't fielded a winning season since 2000.

In more bad news for Detroit's footballers: they have to face Jay Cutler and the Chicago Bears ... twice!

And this is why the Cowardly Detroit Lions won't beat Da Bears once (let alone in the Super Bowl) this upcoming season.

1. Matt Stafford's road beef will distract Brian Urlacher only for so long. By now, everyone knows that the Bears' star middle linebacker goes through road beef like Charlie Weis goes through Italian Beef. And sure, Stafford's chick with the stellar rack might distract Urlacher for just a moment, but then again, there will be 10 other defenders ready to pound Stafford -- then her. Then her friends.

2. They don't have Jay Cutler. While Stafford might be the savior, he won't likely last long behind an offensive line that's got more holes than Britney Spears' fishnets. Neither will Daunte Stallworth Culpepper. Detroit's only hope is that GM or Ford can engineer Drew Henson and Drew Stanton into one serviceable quarterback named Drew Henstantson. But we know how their efforts have been doing as of late.

3. An early unforgiving schedule will make what's left of the fans in the Lions den migrate over to Joe Louis Arena to see what the Red Wings are doing. There isn't an easy game through the first six weeks of the season, and knowing the Lions, they'll find a way to lose during their bye week. They've got winnable games against St. Louis (Nov. 1), Seattle (Nov. 8) and Cleveland (Nov. 22). If they find themselves 0-15 by the time their second meeting with the Bears rolls around, expect Cutler to throw for at least 700 yards and five touchdowns.

4. Barry Sanders is still retired. That means scenes like this will be few and far between for Lions fans.

5. Detroit is just engineered to fail. The economy sucks. Fernando Rodney as a closer sucks. Rich Rod sucks. The only things that don't suck in Detroit are the Red Wings and Eminem (whose last album kinda sucked) -- both of which haven't been relevant to most of America since the early 2000s.

But if you happen to get stuck with a Detroit Lion on your fantasy team it better be wide receiver Calvin Johnson. Because owning Chris Hannon, Eric Fowler or Steve Sanders will help you clinch a record that might end up being worse thatn the Lions' by season's end.

Tomorrow's runner-up to the 2010 Super Bowl Champion Bears: St. Louis Rams.

Upon Further Review: The Lions Still Look Like Losers

After an 0-16 season, the Detroit Lions were desperately in need of a change.

Unfortunately for the Cowardly Lions, I do not think new jerseys is what their fandom had in mind.

And even though a name and logo change helped spur the Tampa Bay Devil Rays to an American League championship, they had amassed talent after years of suck.

All Detroit has from its years drafting high is Calvin Johnson and a bunch of scrubs.

Enjoy the cellar, boys.