Power Rankings For Tom Ricketts

Every week I do Power Rankings as a filler post for a week full of Kevin Gregg bashing and Jim Hendry fat jokes. This week's Power Rankings should be used as a guide by new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts, who's got a lot of work to do if he wants to make this franchise not suck.

1. Clean house in the front office. It's time to take out the trash at Tribune Tower. The Cubs have only four division titles and a Wild Card berth to show for about 28 years of TribCo. ownership, so needless to say it is time for a change.

If you want to go out and "re-assign" guys like Crane Kenney, Jim Hendry and others, that's fine. But some new faces and ideas need to accompany a new ownership. Unless you want the next 30 years to resemble the last 30 years.

2. Set the following ultimatum. Make a memo to whoever follows Jim Hendry as your GM, assuming you "re-assign" him to the local Dunkin' Donuts over on Addison & Lincoln. Tell the GM that anyone is tradeable. Anyone. Prospects. Big leaguers. Anyone. Everyone.

There are no untouchables. Looking at the Cubs' recent past of those deemed untouchable, none of them have lived up to the hype. Mark Prior was great until Dusty Baker threw his arm out. Kerry Wood was too, and if not for a stint in the bullpen, he would be out of the league too. Felix Pie and Corey Patterson were basically the same guy.

So it's simple: if someone calls and asks for this year's hot prospect, listen.

3. Develop a minor league system. Sign scouts. Lots of them. Send 'em throughout the country. Send them throughout the world. There is no reason for a major market team to ignore the fact that it needs a reputable farm system to be a successful ball club.

4. Get Pat & Ron a third wheel. Pat Hughes is one of radio's best play-by-play voices, don't you think it's time to get him an analyst whose analyzation of the game goes beyond screaming "Yeeeaaah!" when something goes well and "Nooooo!" when it doesn't. Keep Ron Santo in the booth, bring back Keith Moreland -- he was great as a fill in and I have no doubt he can do it over a 162 game season.

5. Hire a team shrink. There are more head cases on the Cubs roster than in most mental wards. We know you've got money Mr. Ricketts, let's get Alfonso Soriano, Milton Bradley and others the help they so desperately need.

6. Lower ticket prices. I shouldn't have to sell my first born son and a child to be named later to get a pair of good seats at the ball park.

7. Lower beer prices. I shouldn't have to take out an additional loan to have a brew or two (or 10) at the ball park.

8. Do not buy a jumbotron. Unless you like wasting money, of course. It would be an eye sore ... and real fans do not need animated buffoonery to tell them when to chant, clap and cheer.

9. Do not listen to Steve Stone. There's a reason the Stone Pony is spending his season sitting next to Hawk Harrelson and listening to his tales of Carl Yastrzemski and how unlucky you have to be to get a ticket in Caracas, Venezuela rather than being a general manager out there.

10. Read this blog. It's entertaining. Witty. And real. Some Cubs blogs think everything is hunky-dory. Others like to use cuss words to grab the attention their parents didn't give them as a child. This blog, at least when I write, is an independent thought that refuses to succumb to the pressures from the Cardinals & White Sox bloggers throughout this site -- and others.

Power Rankings: Ranking The 2009 Cubs

Come grab some bench next to Sweet Uncle Lou...if you feel lucky. Punk.

After a weekend in Chicago, I thought today would be a good day to premier a special edition of Power Rankings. It is likely I will do this for the other Chicago teams I write about (Bears, Bulls) once their respective seasons roll around.

We'll work our way from the bottom up, shall we?

The Bottom 10

1. Kevin Gregg - I tried to be nice, but never again. The next time I write something nice about you will be if/when you deliver the final out that clinches a playoff spot, playoff game win, playoff series win, pennant-clinching or World Series-clinching win. Or whenever Luke over at Breakfast For The Block tells me you're no longer stinking up the joint.

2. Carlos Marmol - Throw f*cking strikes. I'm sick of this act. The 3.56 ERA is decent, but the 1.49 WHIP has got to go. So do the 11 hit batsmen. So do the 52 walks in just over 55.2 innings. I wouldn't mind if the Marmolade got a tweak of flavoring in Iowa ... or force feed him Greg Maddux footage of not walking people. Or both.

3. Ryan Dempster - You've been nothing but a disappointment since signing a four-year, $52 million deal in the offseason. You might have roofied fooled Jim Hendry, but you're not fooling me or my fellow Cubs fans. Your WHIP, H/9, HR/9 and ERA are all significantly higher. Your K/9, K/BB and likability are all down. Long story short, pitch like last year or go back to Canada.

4. Aaron Heilman - Can you believe Jim Hendry traded two guys to acquire Heilman from Seattle? Sure, Garrett Olson isn't lighting the world on fire and Ronnie Cedeno is still Ronnie Cedeno. But giving up two warm bodies for Aaron Frickin' Heilman is a fireable offense in my book.

5. Aaron Miles - You should go on the disabled list not because you're hurt, but because your inability to play baseball at a level that is worth a damn makes you a liability for this team. Go back to St. Louis, I'm sure Tony LaRussa needs a designated driver. Too bad you don't meet height requirements.

6. Jeff Samardzija - $10 million guaranteed (guaranteed!!!) for a guy who isn't even playing the sport he's actually good at. Is there a way the Cubs can trade him to the Bears? That's not a joke or a punchline. Get Jeff Spellcheck some pads, a helmet and a jersey with a number in the 80s and send him out to Bourbonnais.

7. Mike Fontenot - The other half of the Cajun Connection has either forgotten how to hit or has forgotten to eat his Wheaties in the morning. There's only room for one little person to do well, and your LSU buddy Ryan Theriot has that covered. Now, go get me some Cajun food goodness and a couple of those drop-dead gorgeous Southern Belle's I covet.

Now!

8. Sean Marshall - I have nothing against Marshall outside of the fact that he has absolutely been torched in August. A 2.667 WHIP is higher than the WHIPs he posted in the last two months combined. Sean, I like you, a lot. No homo. Just hide for the rest of the month and I'm sure you'll get your act together.

9. Neal Cotts - I don't care that you're not on the Cubs anymore. Your DL stint is without a doubt one of this season's highlights as far as I'm concerned. You need to find a new way to make an honest living, because pitchin' ain't easy.

10. Koyovany Sohill - Yeah, I combined the two scrub catchers we got on this team. Each is hitting .225 and have combined for 12 homers and 44 RBIs. That sucks. Plain and simple. I'd feel a lot better if certain members of the pitching staff could be handled a lot better than they have been.

Honorable Mention: Carlos Zambrano - Seriously, Big Z, get it together. Now. Not now, but right now. You're in the second year of a $91.5 million extension and you admit to not working hard. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

You've got a 3.35 ERA and a 7-4 record despite leading the starting rotation in walks allowed (57). Your WHIP shouldn't be 1.350. Should not. Go back to the 2004, 2005, or 2006 Big Z. The Big Z that wanted to pile-drive Jim Edmonds as he admired a popout to right field. The Big Z that used Michael Barrett as a punching bag and made him like it.

Allow me to speak for Cubs fans when I say, will the Real Big Z please stand up!

Here are the guys that aren't royally screwing the pooch. For the most part.

1. Derrek Lee - After a slow start, the slugging first baseman has done just that. In the season's first month, he OPSed .537, but has seen it rise in each month and currently stands at .910 thanks in large part to a steaming hot July in which he hit 9 HRs and 6 doubles en route to a 1.028 OPS in July.

2. Ryan Theriot - Early in the season, Theriot experimented with a power stroke that was reminiscent of the music career of a one-hit wonder. Since being lambasted constantly for abandoning his natural opposite-field swing by Bob Brenly, Theriot has re-gained his stroke and his eye at the plate.

3. Randy Wells - Sad, but true, Wells has been the Cubs' most consistent starting pitcher this year. His 1.196 WHIP ranks second among starters (behind Ted Lilly's 1.154) and third on the team. His 9-5 record and 3.01 earned run average make him a darkhorse candidate for NL Rookie of the Year.

4. Kosuke Fukudome - Saying K-Fuk has emerged as the teams' lead-off man is like saying Drake has a bright future in hip-hop. Fukudome's stats when leading off a game (.438/.571/.875/1.446) with five walks and seven hits. He's also silenced critics who said his offensive stats would fall off as he has shifted to center, thanks to a .283 batting average, .889 OPS and a .330 BAbip when playing center.

5. Rich Harden - Just look at his last 28 days, shall we? Record be damned (1-1), Harden can boast a 2.32 ERA, 40-11 strikeout-to-walk ratio, 0.871 WHIP in 31 innings. He might make for a fine closer one day, but right now, it is Harden who is pitching like a front-of-the-rotation starter.

6. Angel Guzman - The Goose has been the most reliable reliever for Lou Piniella, which makes him something like the valedictorian of summer school. He sports the best WHIP on the team (0.981) and makes wearing goggles cool. Unlike some jackasses...

7. Jake Fox - Cubs fans, you want Mark DeRosa? Here he is. Fox owns an .896 OPS and eight homers as a starter. He's played first, third, left, right and even caught in a pinch. If Larry Rothschild was Dave Duncan, he would have taught the kid a slider and a splitter and would be toiling in middle relief. If Ivan DeJesus could teach him how to play second base, he might actually be savior worthy.

8. Tom Gorzelanny - In his two wins as a Cubs starting pitcher, he's tossed 12.1 innings, struck out 14 batters while only walking four, and has a 0.826 WHIP. As we head into September, he's the wild-card and could lead the Cubs into the postseason if he keeps this up.

9. Jeff Baker - Who? How? Just check out what he did last week with his slash stats: .526/.571/.737/1.308. His lone homer as a Cub came as a 21st birthday gift to friend-of-the-program, Barton Lorimor. Big ups to a Baker I might come around to liking if he keeps this up.

10. Milton Bradley - The last month or so have been mighty fine for Crazy Uncle Milton. Public Enemy No. 1 has hit .414, on-based .469 and OPSed .986 since settling into the two-hole. His batsh*t crazy personality might be able to distract some teams as the Cubs try to sneak into a playoff spot.

Power Rankings: Where Your $30 Million Acquisition Currently Resides

Every week I come up with my own power rankings only because the ones done by others aren't interesting.

1. Newspapers. If newspapers are truly dying, does that mean Jay Mariotti is going to The Trib to save them?

2. Hackers. Twitter was knocked out for spurts and so was Facebook. Don't hackers have something better to do, like mess with the government?

3. Lawn Care. C'mon, Armanti Edwards. You should know by now that the best lawn care experts reside in the Midwest. Even Deadspin acknowledges us that.

4. Tom Gorzelanny. Mark Prior who? Maybe the Cubs can revive this former Pirate, too.

5. Old People. Thanks for taking this post in stride.

6. Duke. Because unlike Dookie V., I don't see how to justify Duke being in the Top 5 in anything.

7. NFL Previews. Still going strong with more Bears victims to be revealed throughout the week.

8. Milton Bradley. The $30 million man is batting .636/.692/.818/1.510 in three games in the No. 2 spot in the order after a 7-for-11 weekend against the Rockies in Colorado. Good idea by Lou Piniella to take advantage of that .401 OBP in front of the big boppers. I wish somebody would have thought of that sooner. Oh wait, we did. Not once, not twice, but three times!

9. Embarrassment. Once upon a time, the Blackhawks were an afterthought. But after a tumultuous offseason, I'm sure they wouldn't mind going back to that place.

10. The Cardinals. St. Louis-Arizona... have your fun while you can. The Cubs-Bears are coming, tra-la, tra-la!

Power Rankings: You Won't Find Kevin Gregg Here

Every week I write Power Rankings as I try to find a blog segment that sticks around for more than three posts. I think I might have found it here, which is another forum in which I can mock Phil Rogers.

1. Teases. Names like Roy Halladay, Felix Hernandez and Adrian Gonzalez were bandied around and all your team ended up with was Scott Rolen for four prospects. Your favorite team is the Cincinnati Reds, isn't it?

2. Jake Peavy. White Sox fans haven't been this excited about something that was a month away from coming since they were a month from paying off their meth-based debts.

3. Witch Hunts. David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez made "The List" and that's not necessarily a good thing. But Jose Canseco, the most reliable source when it comes to the Steroid Era, suggests a Hall of Famer was roided-up during his playing career. Cue Men At Work ... now!

4. Minor League Affiliates In Major League Cities. Grabow and Gorzelanny for three steaming bags of garbage. Thanks again, Pittsburgh.

5. Twitter. Where your status can please and tease -- but hopefully not spread disease.

6. Dick Jokes. Ha ha, this headline says "Wang."

7. The Buried Lead. The point crazy Uncle Milton was really trying to get across to the media and Jake Fox being a productive catcher were among the buried leads I found last week.

8. The STFU Award. LaTroy Hawkins still doesn't know when to shut his f'ing mouth.

9. Homerism. At its finest.

10. 0.5. That's not Tony LaRussa's BAC, but it's what seperates the Cubs and Cards.

Power Rankings: 10 Week Anniversary

Every week I do Power Rankings because I feel obliged to take a weekly cheap shot at Phil Rogers, who couldn't write his way out of a paper bag. This week, I'll take a jab at Gorden Wittenmeyer, who I assume cuddles with Rogers before he writes his stories.

1. Perfection. White Sox fans have Mark Buehrle, Cubs fans have Bud Light Fan Cam at Wrigley Field.

2. First Place. .5 is a number Tony LaRussa is very familiar with. He better get used to it, the Cubs are in the cat-bird's seat. Whatever that means.

3. Hollidays and Halladays. One has found a new home, the other will to ... if not ... he'll enjoy that wonderful Canadian health care.

4. Twitter. You can follow us @bigdeadsidebar.

5. Walking Wounded. Ted Lilly is joined on the Chicago DL by Marian Hossa -- who hasn't even put on a Blackhawks jersey.

6. Coming Clean. Jim Parque said he was sorry that he cheated, even though when he was doing what he was doing it wasn't illegal.

7. TBDS Late Night First Timers. Johnny Sole did a great job, didn't he?

8. Videos. More specifically, videos that don't feature Erin Andrews.

9. Teases. Carlos Boozer is toying with the hearts of Bulls fans.

10. Pleases. Begging for Roy Halladay. Pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase!

Power Rankings: Your Team Sucks

Every week I do Power Rankings because I feel obliged to take a weekly cheap shot at Phil Rogers, who couldn't write his way out of a paper bag.

1. Videos. Apparently, one Erin Andrews video and not one, but two Pacman Jones videos are good enough to jump all the way to the top of this week's power rankings.

2. Erin Andrews. Video or not, The Sideline Princess was absolutely stunning in that dress. And no, I'm not gonna joke about how she looks out of the dress either ... though I might as well go down that road since I'm already in that lane. Forget I even mentioned it.

3. Lefty Relievers. Who would be a better fit in Lou Piniella's bullpen: B.J. Ryan or Barack Obama?

4. Hockey In July. Hartwig hits this post out of the park. He was later tested for steroids.

5. Twitter. This thing just rocks. It might go away one day, but let's ride it out.

6. Washington Nationals. They've got to make the Top 10 in something positive, right?

7. Quoting Jay Mariotti. It's rare when I agree with the joke of a columnist that is Jay Mariotti, but this lead hits it right on the head.

8. Road Beef. Apparently, the Steve McNair situation didn't teach a married baseball-playing father a lesson. Beware of Road Beef. Warning, it might be spoiled.

9. Jessica Simpson. You're single. I'm single. Let's work something out.

10. Your Love. Neither Gordon Beckham nor Joey Metropoulos want to lose it tonight. The newest music-sports phenomena.

Power Rankings: Break Time

Every week yours truly presents power rankings until a better segment comes along. That's just how I roll.

1. Road Trips. When you're a twentysomething, it is hard to find anything more entertaining than a road trip. Especially when it culminates in a sporting event between chief rivals. As for most road trips, some of its aspects are unmentionable and will go to the grave with certain details. But for the most part, everyone involved with this weekend's festivities will be telling stories from the trip for a long time.

2. Road Beef. Road Beef: It's What's For Dinner! /slogan'd

3. "Becky." This week's urbandictionary.com entry of the week as surfaced by rapper Plies and made mainstream by Fox Sports columnist Jason Whitlock.

4. Twitter. Twitter has been used to give updates on what you're doing, or in Rich Eisen's case, who he wishes he was doing. But nothing beats trash talking via the social networking micro-blogging tool.

5. Moneyball Movie. It's getting done. Yesss! Hell yes!!!

6. Tony LaRussa Jokes. When your team is down 8-3 and the Cubs are as lifeless as one of those Viagra guys (pre-treatment, of course) there is nothing better than trashing TLR.

7. M.J. Hartwig. TBDS co-founder has been on point this week with everything he wrote. Everything.

8. Cussing. You people act like this whole "Yes! Hell yes!" thing represents the first time he's ever cursed on air. Remember the whole "this is B.S." rant from 2007?

9. Birthdays In July. July Birthdays > Every other month's birthdays. Fact!

10. The All-Star Break. The ASB should allow yours truly and the other baseball scribes here to put a quality assessment on their ballclubs. And, it allows me to use the mute function on my television or throw on my favorite baseball movies rather than watching an over-hyped exhibition baseball game.

Power Rankings: No Performance Enhancing Drugs Necessary

Every week, I'll do Power Rankings until Phil Rogers announces via Twitter his gi-normous crush on MLB commish Bud Selig.

1. Celebrity Deaths. If this would have happened during the football season, I would have expected the headline "McNair murdered; expected to start Sunday." With all the bad guys out there in sports, it makes it sad when the good guys die young. 36. R.I.P. Air McNair.

2. Screen Grabs. My newest obsession. Before you judge, it's healthier than booze and it won't slap me with a restraining order.

3. The Rumor Mill. Iverson to the Bulls? 'Sheed to the Celtics? Hedo to the Blazers ... or Raptors? Imagine how wild the 2010 offseason is going to be.

4. Hockey News In July. Welcome to Chicago, Marian Hossa!

5. Birthday gifts. Thanks Jeff and to everyone else who participated in the b-day blowout.

6. Twitter. It's still alive and kicking.

7. Aramis Ramirez. Thoust savior ist amongst us.

8. "No homo." What's more disturbing: Artest & Kobe in the shower or the Phillies interest with Wang?

9. The Eephus Pitch. The Cubs signed Casey Fossum, who would have been a nice piece of trade bait in 2003 or so. The Red Sox once sent him and Brandon Lyon for Curt Schilling.

10. Moneyball. Make this movie pleeeeeaaaaase!!!!!!!

Power Rankings: Shaken, Not Stirred

Reading Phil Rogers' power rankings ... or Phil Rogers in general ... makes me want to kick puppies. I guarantee you that reading this blog will make you feel better than that.

1. Michael Jackson. What can I say that has yet to been said about the King of Pop? He touched us all.

2. Point guards. Of the 60 picks in Thursday's NBA Draft, 19 were point guards. But none of them were Bryan Mullins.

3. Anniversaries. Two Fridays ago, we celebrated the day the Portland Trail Blazers passed on Michael Jordan for Sam Bowie. Last week, we celebrated The Sandberg Game. And as HJE put it, how many people have a game named after them. Still waiting for The Pujols Game. (Also, now waiting for a dick joke ... now.)

4. Bryan Mullins. The former Saluki star guard has earned his ranking despite not playing organized basketball since January. Never did I think a Saluki would get this much buzz, especially after a 13-18 year ... but what do I know?

5. Soccer. According to your Facebook status updates, you care about this game. Though, in my defense, I thought FIFA was a video game.

6. Mock Drafts. Thankfully, they're done for now. Everyone had one, even ESPN's Chad Ford, who hates them.

7. Twitter. Until the late-night tweets end, the micro-blogging social networking site will always have a home here.

8. Cry-baby Cubs fans. The tears that flowed after Mark DeRosa was traded to the Cardinals could have hydrated all of the thirsty kids in Africa. Never in my life has an ex-Cub been slurped so hard after leaving.

9. Shaq. Traded to the Cleveland LeBrons, the best big man of our generation is looking for a new nickname now that The Big Cactus no longer applies. How about The Big Second Fiddle?

10. Milton Bradley. If I didn't put him on here, he might think I'm trying to take him down.

I'd Like To Show These Girls Some Power Rankings (See Below)

You can put 'em on the board...Yesss! (courtesy of the Sun-Times)

Every week, I'll put out power rankings until Phil Rogers acknowledges that mine are better than his. OK, moving on.

1. Happy returns. Jeff, our hoops connoisseur is back in the fold, just in time for the NBA Draft. The weekend also saw the return of BFeldt, who will make a strong effort to contribute to this blog. As for this upcoming week, M.J. Hartwig returns. Looks to be a busy week here.

2. Hot fans. I'd like to put her on the boooaaaarrrrrd ... YESSSSSSSSS!!!!1!!!!!!ONE!!!!!!!!!

3. Facebook status updates. The social networking giant helped inspire this piece after the Cubs came from behind to beat the White Sox. Expect the FB statuses to be equally entertaining this week as we approach the NBA Draft and another Cubs-Sox weekend.

4. Landscaping. The American League Central is tired of its NL counterparts getting all the good lawnmowing jobs, so White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen decided he would get in on the fun.

5. Flintsontes Vitamins. The New York Times reported Sammy Sosa abused PEDs in 2003. Somehow, I think we all knew Flintstones Vitamins could help you only so much.

6. Reunions. Kerry Wood and Mark DeRosa returned to a place each once called home. The Mark DeRosa love was a little too much for my liking, so the Cubs took it out on Woody.

7. Father's Day. Because you are not the father.

8. Das Uber Geigh. Hat tip to Hire Jim Essian. Sure, the Cubs and Sox have their fair share of "hot" fans, but both teams also have a sub-set of fans I just want to hit in the face with a cookie sheet. Both of these guys deserve a fate worse than that as they likely molest bottles of spray tan and hair gel like these guys.

9. Promises. B.J. Mullens says he has a promise from a team that is drafting in the Top 16. Ben Gordon is also rumored to have a promise (worth $11 million annually) from the Detroit Pistons. I promise to be thoroughly enraged if the Bulls draft Mullens and let Lil' Big Ben walk without getting anything in return.

10. Athletes and rap songs. Rapper Young Jeezy dropped a dis track on Gucci Mane & OJ Da Juiceman this week in which his punchline is that he "used to play Kobe until he played LeBron." Yeah, even this musical mind doesn't understand the reference. (Language NSFW)

Tell Me How My Power Rankings Taste

Your power rankings suck. Mine don't. That is the difference between you and I.

1. Shaquille O'Neal. The best analysis of the NBA Finals didn't come from ABC or ESPN, it came from Shaq via his Twitter page. Shaq > The "experts" that get paid for their analysis.

2. Twitter. The last four texts messages in my inbox are tweets from Chris Lowery and Missy Tiber. Guess what, folks, Twitter ain't goin' nowhere.

3. Defensive failures. Milton Bradley? Nah, more like Milton Badley. Am I right? As for Luis Castillo, your Little League coach called. He said use two hands.

4. Bashing bloggers. Someone needs to tell Tyler Hansbrough that I moved out of my parents basement. Then he should tell Raul Ibanez that he needs to slow his roll when attacking bloggers.

5. Gang signs. I think this sign means that the answer for question No. 3 is A. Not like D-Rose needs help on his SAT or anything.

6. Headlines. Wang banged around again ... or something like that.

7. Being single. Someone tell the suddenly-single Bar Refaeli that if she gets lonely, there is room in my bed just for her.

8. Debuts. Ooh, we've got a certified media critic on board. I'm overjoyed.

9. Revisionist history. Man, I almost forgot that Kobe went on vacation to Colorado once. Want proof? Here are the transcripts.

10. Postgame press conferences. Sooooooo much fun. Thanks, Mike Pinto.

Power Rankings: They Don't Suck When Done Properly

Welcome to the third installment of my weekly power rankings. Here's hoping they suck less than the crap Phil Rogers put out every week.

1. Twitter. It's official, everyone is doing it. Whether it is someone living vicariously through Tony LaRussa ... or someone who is real, like SIU men's basketball coach Chris Lowery, Twitter's newest phenom ... tweeting is for real! Jump on the bandwagon while there is still room.

2. Rap Music. Big week in rap music as Lil' Wayne dropped fire with that new Kobe Bryant song and Jay-Z killed autotune with his new track for Blueprint 3. Then there was Kobe's accuser reliving "the night" while on stage at a bar. All in all, here is the proof it was a big week.

3. Mocking. Mocking is cool when it comes to fake TLRs, but it is not cool when it means B.J. Mullens is a possibility for the Bulls. I would rather that not happen!

4. Winning. Randy Johnson picked up his 300th. Carlos Zambrano picked up his 100th. Randy Wells still awaits his first.

5. Songs of the Season. Check out my newest venture as I provide a soundtrack to your life.

6. Movies. "The Hangover" lived up to the hype. I can't wait 'til I see "I Know What You Did Last Semester" ... er ... "Sorority Row."

7. J.J. Redick. Who needs a Kobe/LeBron finals when J.J. Redick and Adam Morrison, two of college's greatest players of recent lore, have taken their rivalry to the next level?

8. Overtime. How pissed off is Sam Zell after all these extra inning games the Cubs played this week? He's probably withholding overtime pay.

9. Retirements. Who's calling it quits first: Sammy Sosa or Carlos Zambrano? Better question, which is more Hall of Fame worthy?

10. Rejected Mascot Names. If anything, the basketball team in Memphis should be called the Bandits. The mascot should be a crackhead with a cinder block in one hand and a handful of change in the other. For more, check out this article in the Wall Street Journal.

Power Rankings: Because When You Do Them No One Cares & When I Do Them, At Least I Care

Last week I unveiled my first ever power rankings. I've lived to see another week. Let's see who ranks where and why.

1. Gatorade. Lots of attention has gone to the way Ryan Dempster and Carlos Zambrano have treated the beverage dispenser in the Cubs clubhouse, but I give kudos to the Gatorade folks. First of all, that's great product placement. And all the replays on SportsCenter and on YouTube have put your product in front of millions of eyes. What else could you ask for?

2. Rejection. First, it was Jake Peavy. Now, Houston Astros ace Roy Oswalt is spurning the White Sox's advances. Maybe it's time to sign Kenny Williams up for an eHarmony.com account.

3. Social Networking. I've got a Facebook account and two Twitter accounts. Yeah, I'm a social networking nerd. The Calipari Family, well, they use it to put ESPN's Pat Forde in his place.

4. Call-ups. Finally, the Cubs brought up Triple-A's hottest hitter, and Jake Fox goes directly to the bench. And who the f*** is Matt Wieters? Apparently, he is (switch-hitting) Jesus. Adam Wainwright respectfully disagrees.

5. Geography. Personally, I'm weary of picking someone with the No. 1 pick who has never heard of Virginia. Go pick up a Clipse album, kid, you'll like what you hear. Besides, if he can't save San Diego State, he ain't saving the Washington Nationals. By the way, San Diego isn't a state. And the nationals don't play in Washington state.

6. Football scores in baseball games. Charlie Ward and the Florida State Seminoles ran all over Ohio State 37-6. Colt McCoy threw a TD and rushed for another as Texas squeaked past Army 14-10. Knowshown Moreno ran for three touchdowns in Georgia's 24-8 win in an earlier bout against tOSU. Jim Tressel's Sweatervewst was not made available for comment.

7. Walk-offs. And no, not of the baseball variety. Stay classy, LeBron. This is how it starts. One day you're walking off the court in Orlando without acknowledging anyone. The next day you're walking out of Cleveland on your way to New York City.

8. Erin Andrews. She wants to dance with stars. I want to dance with her. I also want page views. Here's hoping typing "Erin Andrews" over-and-over again helps.

9. Pitch counts. Yoavani Gallardo threw 126 pitches Monday in the Brewers' extra-inning win against the Cardinals. University of Texas reliver Austin Wood threw 13 innings out of the bullpen (169 pitches), including 12.1 hitless innings in the Longhorns' 3-2, 25-inning win. And even Dusty Baker thinks that is too much.

10. Mediocrity. The Cubs ended April at 11-11. Then finished up May 25-24. Fearless prediction: Cubs finish june two games over .500. Book it!

You Got Power Rankings? I'll Show You Power Rankings!

You know what aggravates me? Tribune baseball columnist Phil Rogers. You know what aggravates me equally as much, if not more? His silly power rankings. (By the way, don't bother clicking on the link ... you'll want those 30 seconds you would waste back eventually.)

See, power rankings are dumb because they already exist: They're called "standings." So you want power rankings, Phil? Here are some power rankings for ya!

(Besides, I'm tired of writing the weekly update of Cubs need pitching ... or this week, hitting ... and that the White Sox to get young and fast. Shit gets boring after a while.)

1. Suspensions. Despite losing the team's best player due to a bedroom performance-enhancing drug suspension, the Dodgers still own baseball's best record. Joe Torre's bunch (except for Andre Ethier) has proven it can win without Manny. It's like when your starter girlfriend dumps you and two days later your making out with her super-hot best friend.

2. Going long. David Ortiz hit his first homer of the season on May 20. Congratulations, you still trail Ryan Theriot and now have as many homers as Carlos Zambrano.

3. A match-up between Matt Palmer and Micah Hoffpauir. Despite his impressive start, I am still trying to figure out why the national media is slurping the Angels' 30-year-old rookie the same way local Cubs fans slob on the knob of the Cubs' own Four-A ballplayer. I would love to see a matchup between these two if only to see someone's head explode.

4. Broken bat home runs. Mark Texeira took one out of the new Yankee Stadium after breaking his bat in half. The ball went about 10 rows deep into the left field bleachers. Wonder if Mark busted out a Triple Play Baseball cheat code for that one?

5. B-Jays. Despite a mild case of the Cubsies (commonly known as nursing a losing streak), Toronto girls got that Creighton Fever.

6. Missing third base. Ryan Church channeled his youth by doing something young men have done for years: Trying to score without touching third base.

7. The Mark DeRosa love fest. Seriously guys, he's gone and not coming back. And if you're missing his .254 average and .326 on-base percentage then it's time to find something else to care about.

8. Jake Peavy. Everyone wants him, but he's turning you down like the Prom Queen turns out that pimply faced kid who ends up turning into a billionaire.

9. Six days in Chicago. It hasn't been a good thing to be a Pittsburgh Pirate ... not since Barry Bonds (pre-BALCO) and Jim Leyland reigned supreme. But thanks to some quality scheduling, the Pirates get to spend six straight days in Chicago as they play the Cubs in a three-game set after just finishing up with the White Sox. When it's all said and done, the Pirates will have spent more time in Chicago this month than I have.

10. LeBron James. He's already saved Cleveland with a 3-point jump shot and could possibly save the Browns. Indians fans are curious if he's got two "plus" pitches so they can throw him in the bullpen as their closer.