Cubs Mailbag: A Reminder Of How Much 2010 Will Suck

Matt Holliday is re-upping with the St. Louis Cardinals for seven years for $120 million.  Great.  As a Cubs fan, my only hope is that management loses its checkbook when Albert Pujols hits free agency in two years.

Either that, or Holliday goes back to being just another guy in Oakland rather than the St. Louis superhero.

So, rather than bitch and moan about what will be another painful season at Clark and Addison, I'll mock some silly question's from Carrie Muskat's cubs.com inbox.

I heard a rumor that the Yankees have inquired about Big Z (Carlos Zambrano). Is this true, and who would the Yankees give up to get him?
-- Brad R., Bradley, Ill.

And just when you think people are worried about guys in mom's basement making up rumors and the daily newspaper is getting ignored, someone picks up a New York Daily News or reads a Phil Rogers column -- which might as be well be written from his momma's basement.

Zambrano isn't going anywhere.  He gets paid a lot of money and is coming off an injury-riddled, underwhelming season.  Unless the Cubs were willing to take Nick Swisher for Big Z straight up comes across Brian Cashman's wires, or a Swisher special that influences Cashman to send Alex Rodriguez, C.C. Sabthia and Mariano Rivera to the Cubs gets on Jim Hendry's jelly-donut filled desk, Zambrano will be your Opening Day starter for the Cubs.

With (Alfonso) Soriano signed until '14, (Kosuke) Fukudome until '11 and now Marlon Byrd until '12, when and how does the Cubs brass expect to see Tyler Colvin (and other outfield prospects) called up? Would Colvin switch to right after Fukudome's departure?
-- Matt Z., Madison, Wis.

I'm going to assume Matt Z. from Madison, Wis., submitted this question under the influence of a few shots of Jack taken from between the cleavage of a UW coed.  It would be the only logical explanation for suggesting to keep Marlon Byrd to center field at age 35 rather than have a 26-year-old Tyler Colvin flame out in center field.

Now, I'm gonna need some Jack after being reminded that the Cubs have $31 million tied into what might be the worst defensive outfield in all of baseball.


What does the Cubs' lineup look like right now?
-- Drew H., Castalia, Iowa


Bad.

Oh, you want further analysis.  Fine, I'll take the bait.

Ryan Theriot SS, Kosuke Fukudome RF, Derrek Lee 1B, Aramis Ramirez 3B, Alfonso Soriano LF, Marlon Byrd CF, Geovany Soto C, Jeff Baker 2B.

At what point do you regret asking the question?  For me, it was when I realized Ryan Theriot is a legitimate lead-off candidate for this team.  (Note: That's a bad thing.)

What is going on with the payroll situation? I thought the Ricketts family was going to make a slight increase in payroll over '09? The '09 payroll was $134,809,000; the current payroll is $117,875,000.
-- Zak K., Altamont, Ill.

Oh, don't worry about payroll, Zak.  Jim Hendry will find a way to throw a three-year $36 million contract at Rick Ankiel.  Hendry has yet to hand out a no-trade clause this off-season, so that has got to be around the corner.

Most fans are wondering why the Cubs aren't as active in the free-agent market as other teams. Obviously, it's because of the large contracts the team already has. Could you list some of those long player contracts and when they expire, including (Jim) Hendry's contract?
-- Michael H., Green Bay, Wis.

No, Michael.  No.  I assume that since this is Carrie's inbox, you have internet access.  With said internet access, spend less time at Red Tube and visit Cot's Baseball Contracts.  Look, here's a link for you!

I like the acquisition of Byrd, and it seems the starting lineup is set. However, the bench seems shallow in terms of position players. The Cubs have a ton of pitchers and little in terms of backups: Andres Blanco, (Koyie) Hill, Sam Fuld, and Micah Hoffpauir and either (Jeff) Baker or (Mike) Fontenot. Unless Piniella is planning to use Marshall in left field or Zambrano's bat, what are his bench plans?
-- Andy G., Baltimore, Md.


The only Andy in Baltimore that would like the acquisition of Byrd is Andy MacPhail.  That just makes my blood boil.  As for this team's bench plans, you nailed it right on the head.

Carlos Zambrano is the team's best pinch hitter.  Andres Blanco is Aaron Miles, but better and with the ability to ride rollercoasters at a theme park near you.  Koyie Hill is your switch-hitting, stubby-fingered back-up catcher.  Sam Fuld and Micah Hoffpauir are your scrappy white guys who fans think deserve more playing time despite being bad.  And Mike Fontenot plays the role of bench midget, which he shared with Miles last season.

How many people have played second base since (Ryne) Sandberg retired? How does that compare with how many played third since Ron Santo retired?
-- Mark G., Indianapolis

Too many, and not enough good ones. Here's a look at the list of Opening Day second sackers since Sandberg retired for the second time.

• Mickey Morandini (1998-99), Eric Young (2000-01), Delino DeShields (2002), Mark Grudzielanek (2003-04), Todd Walker (2005-06), Mark DeRosa (2007-08), Mike Fontenot (2009).

Between Ronnie's last season and the beginning of the Aramis Ramirez Era, the Cubs went through 98 third basemen before finding one that didn't suck.


I see that Carlos Silva has a better record in the National League. Do you think he's better against NL teams than American League?
-- Rick S., Tinley Park, Ill.

Sure, Silva went 8-1 with a 3.83 ERA in two years with the Phillies, but he made only one start.

The line in a no decision: 4 IP, 5 H, 3 R, 3 ER, 2 BB, 5 SO, in a no decision on Aug. 2, 2003.  That was (checks math) seven years ago!  He faced a Murderer's Row-like line-up that featured Mark Loretta and his career .754 OPS (.737 career OPS going into 2003) batting third.

Imagine Ryan Theriot batting in the middle of the order.  That's what Padres fans had to deal with for 45 games.  Eh, screw 'em!  You'll always have 1984, jerks.

For the record, Marlon Byrd went 2-for-4 with a walk and 2 RBIs batting lead-off for the Phillies.  Former Cubs Dan Plesac, Terry Adams, Todd Pratt, Gary Matthews Jr. and Dave Hansen also appeared in that game.