Why, Yes. We Do Have Another TBDS Birthday: A Very Merry Birthday List II

Sometime this winter, Jeff and I will go to Las Vegas to celebrate his birthday. Until then, I need a birthday gift (or five) to hold him over.

One week after yours truly celebrated his "Michael Jordan Birthday," NBA scribe Jeff celebrates his 21st birthday. While the No. 23 holds great significance in Chicago sports, as it was worn by greats such as Jordan, Cubs Hall of Fame second baseman Ryne Sandberg and Bears receiver/return specialist Devin Hester, the No. 21 has a whole different connotation.

For me, 21 signifies great Cubs such as Sammy Sosa, the not-so-grand Jason Marquis and the mercurial Milton Bradley.

Oh, and there was this Roberto Clemente guy who used to wear No. 21 for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Apparently he was pretty good.

For Jeff, it signifies one more thing: All drinks on him this weekend as TBDS returns Friday to Wrigley Field as the Cubs and Cardinals square off in baseball's best rivalry. Weather permitting, of course.

But this is less about this weekend and more about what I would get Jeff for his birthday, because anyone who would banish Kevin Gregg and Phil Rogers on a remote island as a gift for someone who turns one year older, deserves something special.

1. Baseball Fandom. I want Jeff to find happiness in a baseball team that will not let him down. There is so much garbage surrounding America's Game, whether it involves players unable to count to three or how many steroid needles they took in the butt, it must be hard for the man I know as Jeffe Del Mundo to find a team. And by the looks of it, the only team without any links to steroids no longer exists.

So here's my pitch, let's bring together all the non-steroid greats and put 'em on a baseball team to play at Rent One Park in Marion, Ill. And because a lot of the steroid busts happen to link young, Latino ball players, I present to you the lilly-white baseball team.

The Fightin' Hansbroughs?

The line-up, a whole bunch of guys you can root for. 1B Justin Morneau, Twins 2B Chase Utley 3B David Wright, Mets SS Ryan Theriot, Cubs LF Ryan Braun, Brewers CF Josh Hamilton, Rangers RF Jason Bay, Twins. SP Roy Halladay, Blue Jays RP Jonathan Papelbon, Red Sox

2. A Transformation Chamber. Last I checked, yours truly cannot turn back the hands of time. If I could, I would reverse course on the stupidity of the Milwaukee Bucks' offseason. Richard Jefferson to the Spurs for nothing, Charlie V to the Pistons as a free agent would have never happened. Brandon Jennings' disses on Ricky Rubio and being the first man to ever call Scott Skiles a n**** would not be reversed, if only for entertainment's sake.

But what does exist, somewhere in a Chicagoland basement, is Steve Urkel's transformation chamber. And since the Bucks seem hell bent on making Jeff watch the NBA Lottery show for the next 10 years, I have the perfect use for it.

Dan Gadzuric steps in as a bust, steps out as a 20-10 guy down low. Luke Ridnour steps in as a whatever-he-is and steps out as the league leader in assists, steals and successful no-look passes. Joe Alexander steps in as a disappointing rookie nicknamed after a disappointing movie, steps out as the white LeBron James.

And suddenly, we have a contender on our hands!

3. A Job At The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel. Graduation looms in Jeff's near future and he will go through a phase yours truly just recently went through. I call it the "Ohmygodidon'tknowwhati'mgoingtodowithmylife" phase. It's as normal as that thing on you know who's lip. Anyway, the MJS has a pretty good baseball guy in Tom Hardicourt but their basketball beat is disappointing to say the least.

And if there's anyone that can do the job it's Jeff. And he already has the experience of covering the NBA under his belt. The Journal-Sentinel shouldn't give Jeff a chance, they should just give him the f****** job!

4. A Trip To Las Vegas. Oh wait, that's already in the works. Damn I'm good!

5. Send In The Clones! Call me narcissitic, but Jeff needs another sports writer for a relatively young and inexperienced DE sports desk and there are only a few people that could fit that description to a tee. One of them happens to be me, who is now inelligble because I exhausted my four five years of eligibility at SIU. That is why I must be cloned to continue a glorious sports desk tradition.

But why stop there? Let's clone Brian Feldt and Sean McGahan. Heck, let's even clone Jeff so we can send the clone into the EIC's office. Thus a sports desk of clones that would make the staff at the Chicago Tribune worry about their job future.

And they would be led by a great mentor, great friend and even better person: the real Jeff Engelhardt.

Happy Birthday, pal.

A Sneak Peak At The Boss' Birthday Wish List

NBA writer Jeff basically hit it right on the head with a good chunk of his blog about what he would get Luis for his birthday. Makes me wonder if Phil Rogers and Kevin Gregg would cuddle under a tree and which one would be the big spoon.

Luckily though, I was able to get into The Boss' e-mail wish list. There were some things that I won't mention here, this is supposed to be the kind of blog an entire family could read after eating dinner. They sure as hell aren't reading newspapers, that's for sure.

So, without further ado. Luis' birthday wishlist.

1. A bakers dozen Erin Andrews clones. It's not what you think. Well, maybe. See, Luis has an odd obsession with the Sideline Princess, climaxing with her first, last and what will likely be only appearance at Southern Illinois. But what would The Man do with a dozen EA clones? He'd turn them into the Chicago Bears cheerleaders, the Honey Bears. Someone has got cheer on Jay Cutler, right? As for the 13th, he'd keep for himself, enslaved in a cage wearing a cheerleader uniform, no doubt.

2. All charges against Plaxico Burress to be dropped. Catch is a fun game, according to Cutler. And according to Bears fans, Cutler's teammates couldn't catch a cold with stick 'em on their hands. That's why Luis wished for the NYPD to drop their case and for Roger Goodell to turn a blind eye to the entire situation. Kind of like how the LAPD treated the Tupac murder case.

3. A genie in an Old Style bottle. And with his three wishes? Orlando Hudson instead of Aaron Miles. Bobby Abreu instead of Milton Bradley. K-Rod instead of Kevin Gregg. (Hey, they're called wishes for a reason.)

4. The Blackhawks get an established goal scorer. Apparently, John McDonough also got the leaked copy of Luis' birthday wish list.

5. UNC head coach Roy Williams' Carolina blue sports coat. Luis already has that blinding white coat (it would explain why SIU is 0-2 when he wears it) Maybe, finally, he'll shut up about Wayne Ellington and that whole North Carolina mess.

Happy Birthday to the G.O.A.T.

Happy birthday to Michael Jeffrey Jordan, the greatest basketball player in the history of the game.

Sure, he's packed on the pounds since he's retired (for the third time) but he's still very well-dressed and still has an eye for the good looking ladies.

Kudos, Mike. And thanks for the championship banner-raising memories from my childhood.

Daily Dosage: Back To The Drawing Board

Happy Birthday, Jessica Simpson. You're 28 today! Is that whipped cream going on your birthday cake or elsewhere? I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for elsewhere...

In an effort to match what their NL Central rivals are doing, the St. Louis Cardinals started a former Cy Young candidate as they attempt to make a name for themselves in what is shaping up to be one of the best races in baseball.

Unfortunately for Mark Mulder, it only lasted 16 pitches as the Phillies beat the Cards 4-2.

Cardinal Nation, if you're looking for sympathy from me you're not going to get it. Well, maybe just a little because Agent Mulder is a Chicagoland native. But for years, Cubs fans like myself had to deal with the constant Mark Prior and Kerry Wood catcalls from the fans and from Steve Kline. Remember his "I hope he takes a line drive and we never have to see him again" comment? I do.

Josh Hamilton Revisited. In this post on May 28th, I wondered aloud how good Rangers outfielder Josh Hamilton would look patrolling center field at The Friendly Confines. Hamilton continues to look like the one that got away, especially after Wednesday night's walk-off home run against Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez.

The Hamilton Line: .307 20 HR 89 RBI .364 OBP .547 .911 OPS
Felix Pie + Reed Johnson + Jim Edmonds: .251 12 HR 62 RBI (Do I have to go on? I didn't think so.)


Quality Linkage

• If Brett Favre comes back, where does he go in your fantasy draft? (The Hazean)
• Rappers T.I. and Killer Mike give back to the hood. (The Smoking Section)
• When padding your resume goes wrong. (Chicago Sun-Times)
• C-Rod's family is "devastated." (NY Post) My fam would feel the same way if I divorced $275 million.
• Sports columnists are endangered species. (Columbia Journalism Review)
• Lost in St. Louis' love for booze, the Sporting News is leaving for Charlotte. (Money Central on MSN)