Operation Shut Down: Seven Steps The Cubs Need To Take As The 2009 Season Winds Down

So, how long until Lou Piniella gets the memo that the Cubs are done?  THere is no sign like being blasted by the Washington Frickin' Nationals, that's for sure.

When the Cubs were out of it under Dusty Baker, the Cubs continued to trot out Prior, Wood and the rest of the regulars for the sake of a "fair" pennant race for everyone else.  For the record, I don't give two turds about anyone else's playoff races.  The Cubs' season is already spoiled, so I don't understand the point of endangering a key member for the 2010 team for the sake of competition.

So here is an idiot's guide of how to approach the next 39 games.

1. Shut down Big Z, Lilly, Harden & Wells.  Yeah, that's four-fifths of the starting rotation, but they did their jobs this year and there is no point wasting next year's bullets on this year's squad.  Wells is approaching a career-high in innings pitched and Lilly, Harden & Zambrano have each seen some time on the DL this year.  Those are your horses, give them some rest and restart them once February rolls around.

Trot out Dempster, Gorzelanny, Marshall and ...

2. Free Jeff Samardzija.  Let him start.  There's your fourth starter.  $10 million guaranteed and a no-trade clause, let's see what this guy is all about.  Let's see what he has.  If he's got something worth a damn, put him somewhere he can succeed or trade him to a place where he won't invoke that stupid clause.  If all else fails, ship 'em off to Halas Hall.  Jay Cutler might want a new play toy.

3. Rest Ramirez.  While we're on the topic of shutting people down, might as well do that to Aramis.  See if he needs surgery, if so, get it done.  If not, tell him to stay away from cock-fighting this summer before Roger Goodell spanks him.  Let Jake Fox play third every day from here on out.

4.  Send an edict to Alfonso Soriano.  I want at least two stolen bases from you every week from here on out until the season is over.  Also, I want you to play second base.  I want you to take infield practice like Roger Dorn at second base.  That will be your new position because the Cubs need to open up an outfield spot to get a more athletic player to play in those carnivorous cavernous west coast ball parks.

Let's be honest, signing Chone Figgins makes too much sense for the Cubs to do.

5.  Let's see if Carlos Marmol can close.  Lou: "Carlos, you pitch the ninth inning and the ninth inning only, got it?"  Carlos: "Yes sir, Mr. Piniella."  Lou: "Good you (expletive deleted), now get some outs."  That's it.  No need to waste Marmolade in an extra-inning affair -- it's not like you're going to win it anyway.

6. Set up the rest of 2009 bullpen.  One last shut down victim: Angel Guzman.  Shut him down before his arm flies off.  He had a good year, but has been injury prone in the past.  As for the rest of the pen, Piniella should let Justin Berg, Esmailin Caridad, Jeff Stevens and any other youngster who thinks they can pitch at this level do their damn thing and be done with it.  If the Cubs can avoid spending a ton of money on over-the-hill bullpen pitchers, it would be greatly appreciated.

7. Send Aaron Miles & Aaron Heilman away.  Send 'em far away.  Don't let them come back.  Ever.

Soon enough, I'll have an offseason guide that will be more detailed than the irresponsibly early guide.  This one will be chock-full of the similar sarcastic B.S. you get from me any how.  But with real, heart-touching advice.

Your Irresponsibly Early Guide To Free Agent Saviors For The Cubs

The Cubs are done. Sorry, kiddies. It's time to go back to school, also known as the daily six-hour distraction from not thinking about ways to dismantle Kevin Gregg limb-by-limb before feeding him to Hannibal Lecter. And if you're lucky enough to go to school with Cardinals fans, then you really need to work hard to get out of the slow class.

Speaking of the slow class, I'm hoping Jim Hendry gets greeted with an axe upon seasons end, unless of course he wises up and decides that he doesn't want to make bad baseball decisions this offseason. And that's as doubtful as Milton Bradley's mental health. Thankfully, Jim has a friend in me.

And while I did read a 1,900 word piece on what the Cubs should do this offseason, I've condensed it and made it better.

1. Sign Chone Figgins. He's proven he can play everyday and he's proven he can be versatile. He switch hits, steals bases and plays second base. Top of the order guy? You betcha!

2. Sign Jose Valverde. Prior to this injury-plagued season, Valverde converted 91 saves. He throws hard and his name is not Kevin Gregg. Need another reason? He owns the Cubs (13 saves, 0.77 ERA) over his career.

3. Bring back Rich Harden. Dick Hardon is 3-1 with a 1.64 ERA, 0.773 WHIP and 55 strikeouts in 44 innings. Once his time comes and Valverde's contract expires, the Cubs can turn him into Trevor Hoffman Part II.

4. Bring bullpen help. Needs include two lefty specialst (Billy Wagner?) and a guy not named Kevin Gregg who can get righties out. Angel Guzman and Carlos Marmol are fine set-up guys. Middle relief has not lived up to its name this season.

5. Give Brandon Webb a chance. There is a possibility that Webb gets bought out from his contract, since he won't be pitching for a good chunk of next year. This is when the Cubs take a flier on him, let him rehab at his own pace. Then bring him out and allow him to torture NL hitters for a long term deal. In the meantime, Sean Marshall or Tom Gorzelanny can have that fifth-starter role.

Other "needs" include: Back-up catcher, fourth outfielder that spends more time on the field than on the DL, a GM that understands how to develop a strong minor league system, a manager who hasn't let the game pass him by.

There, that wasn't painful. All in less than 500 words.

Memo To Jim Hendry: I Found Your Left-Handed Bat

There's a firesale in Cleveland. Everything must go. Except for LeBron James, of course. He's not leaving until next year.

Mark DeRosa, Rafael Betancourt, Ryan Garko and Cliff Lee have escaped the Mistake By The Lake -- and that means Victor Martinez should be next. At this rate, if I were Cubs GM Jim Hendry, I'd at least make a call about center fielder Grady Sizemore and see if you can strike while the stove is hot.

But my focuse right now just might be on the 30-year-old catcher that will make what remains on the $4.5 million left on this year's contract and the $7 million on next years. He would look fine sandwiched between Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez. (No homo.)

Yes, I understand the Cubs have Geovany Soto coming back from injury soon, but why not build the trade around him? Switch-hitting catchers whose career batting average sits at a cool .297 don't grow on trees.

Geo, cash considerations and friends for V-Mart. Get it done, Jimbo!

What Should Lou Do? A Second Half Shuffle Suggestion

Like many men his age, Lou Piniella needs assistance from younger, more active folks.

It would just not be fair to let Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella off scot-free after the scathing I have given general manager Jim Hendry this season. Unlike his first two years as the skipper, Piniella has failed at putting his players in the best place to be successful. Part of it is because of the garbage Hendry gave him to work with, but part of it is Piniella's unwillingness to move Alfonso Soriano down in the order, ride the hot hand and manage the bullpen, among other things.

Sweet Uncle Lou is no dummy, at least, that is what I am supposed to think. He did win the NL Manager of the Year award last year and all that means to me is that he did something right.

Right?

And since everyone needs help sometimes, here is my suggested rotation going into the second half.

1. Ted Lilly
2. Carlos Zambrano
3. Randy Wells
4. Rich Harden
5. Kevin Hart

Kevin Hart as the fifth starter? That would be funny if it was true. I'd like Sean Marshall here, but Lou and Hendry have a permanent place for him in their dog houses.

Don't you wish the Cubs had signed Pedro Martinez? Oh wait, he's hurt?

Still, once Harden's shoulder flies out of its socket, the Chicago will have only two-and-a-half Major League quality starters, because I'm still not completely sold on Randy Wells. For $1 million, it's a risk Hendry should have taken.

Out of the bullpen, things would get a lot easier if they landed B.J. Ryan, but let's work with what's on the table. Kevin Gregg isn't going anywhere (sad) so he's still the closer. Angel Guzman and Carlos Marmol are your ace set-up men with rookie Jeff Stevens working for either of them if they tire. Aaron Heilman and Sean Marshall are long relievers. David Patton is on the DL, permanantly, I hope.

As for the daily line-up, here's what I'd do.

Against Righties: Fukudome CF Bradley RF Lee 1B Ramirez 3B Soriano LF Fox C Theriot SS Fontenot 2B

On-base guys at the top, sluggers in the middle, speed at the bottom. Sounds like a line-up that could be productive for five runs per game at the least.

Against Lefties: Theriot SS Bradley RF Lee 1B Ramirez 3B Soriano LF Fox C Johnson CF Blanco 2B

Sorry, I saw Reed Johnson's pathetic attempt of leading off a ballgame against the Cardinals first hand. Yes, he was going up against Chris Carpenter, but that didn't stop Rich Harden from collecting two hits against the former Cy Young winner.

This is the time the Cubs need to start taking advantage of these on-base percentage guys. What's the point of batting Bradley lower in the order when you have to depend on Mike Fontenot, Andres Blanco, Koyie Hill and Aaron Miles to drive him in?

I can't be the only one who wants to use his .379 OBP in front of Derrek Lee and Aramis Ramirez. And while it seems every Cubs fan has a hard-on for Sam Fuld, Kosuke Fukudome has a .367 OBP against Major League pitching and Fuld is sitting at .359 against Triple-A hurlers. And last time I checked, big league pitchers were better than minor leaguers.

Unless you're talking about the Washington Nationals, of course.

This all will change when Geovany Soto and Ryan Dempster return to the fold, but by then, it might be too late. Lou Piniella needs to take this advice to the bank and cash in now. Or risk being one of the biggest disappointments in Chicago Cubs history.

Being Jim Hendry: Available Guys Who Could Really Help The Cubs

The Cubs have gotten minimal offensive production from the second base position, adding All-Star Miguel Tejada and moving Ryan Theriot to second could pay dividends to an offense that truly was offensive in the first half.

The Chicago Cubs have a lot of work to do to get back to their division championship-winning ways. One step toward getting back to the top could be exploring the open market. GM Jim Hendry has made a living turning one mans trash into his own treasure. (See: Jim Edmonds)

And since there's nothing better to do than speculate on this, the sporting world's most boring day, here are some guys Hendry should target before the July 31 non-waiver deadline.

TOP TIER

1. Roy Halladay, right-handed starting pitcher. He's the best pitcher in baseball. Need I say more?
2. Miguel Tejada, shortstop. When he's not trying to jack homers over the left field wall, Ryan Theriot is doing an admirable job at the plate as a shortstop. Too bad I can't say the same about the Aaron Miles/Mike Fontenot/Andrees Blanco platoon at second. Sure, Fontenot has hit .310 in July, but you must be this tall to enjoy the adult rides. Adding Tejada and his .830 OPS to the heart of the line-up could jump start the Cubs offense.
3. Erik Bedard, left-handed starting pitcher. Bedard is a high-risk, high-reward player. When healthy, he's an ace. When he's injured, he's worthless. Where have we heard that before?
4. Matt Holliday, outfielder. I stated my case here for acquiring Holliday. Maybe Lou Piniella moves Alfonso Soriano to second base in a related move.

MIDDLE TIER

1. Freddy Sanchez, second baseman. Another productive middle-infielder with the stick. The Pirates would trade him for a bag of balls, right?
2. B.J. Ryan, left-handed reliever. This free agent could be Hendry's rags-to-riches story this year. Ryan has 117 career saves, but in Chicago could be valuable as a lefty specialist as lefties only hit .179 off him in his career.
3. Mark Teahen, utility. A left-handed Mark DeRosa who can play both corner infield and outfield spots, and before Alex Gordon got hurt, was playing second base.
4. Jeremy Hermida, outfielder. With .255/.355/.399 slash stats, Hermida is flying under the radar this year, but shouldn't be. Two years ago he hit .296 with 18 homers and 69 ribbies in 123 games. He's still relatively young.
5. Brad Penny, right-handed starting pitcher. The Red Sox have a surplus of starters and unlike Halladay or Bedard, should not cost a boatload of prospects. His earned run average drops nearly a run against NL competition.

BARGAIN BUYS

1. Javier Valentin, catcher. Sad to say, but the Cubs might need a third catcher. In 2005, Valentin slugged .520 for the Reds. He can be had as a free agent.
2. Carl Pavano, right-handed starting pitcher. He's pitching better with the Indians than he ever did with the Yankees. Pavano is one of those guys who could see his ERA drop without having to face AL line-ups. Worth a flier for the right price.
3. Takashi Saito, right-handed relief pitcher. He could have been had as a free agent in the offseason, but Theo Epstein wisely scooped him up for a cheap deal. Shame on you, Jim Hendry.
4. John Grabow, left-handed relief pitcher. The Cubs need a lefty specialist more than I need a date for Friday night, and that's saying a lot.
5. Ben Sheets, right-handed starting pitcher. Anyone know what he's doing right now? Anyone?
6. Joe Beimel, left-handed relief pitcher. He plays for the Nationals, so he could probably be had for someone with proper grammar.

TBDS Late Night: The Curious Case Of Cub Ownership

Megan Fox = Hits right?

A long time ago in a blogosphere far, far away, this blogging outfit presented a feature called TBDS Late Night which reported on late-breaking news and provided games to watch for and links to read at your own peril. Once in a while, yours truly will revive that segment when necessary. This is one of those times.

It seems as if since the beginning of time, fans of the Chicago Cubs have been yearning for a new owner. And who can blame them?

All the team has to show for its time under the Tribune Co.'s ownership run are a handful of division titles and more than two decades worth of heartbreak. It is hard to believe that Trib Co. can claim bankruptcy after basically stealing money from Cubs fans throughout the years without re-investing that into the team until late into the newspaper company's ownership of a baseball team.

Now there's this. One day after reportedly agreeing to a deal to sell the team to life-long Cubs fan Tom Ricketts (of TD-Ameritrade fame), Sam Zell and his gang of cronies also are looking at a deal from Chicago native and New York investor Marc Utay.

This is very eerily similar to an episode of any late-90s, early-2000s romantic comedy sitcome in which the guy has two dates at the same place with two different girls. In most of those episodes, the guy gets dumped by both, making yours truly feel a little bit better about his own dating disasters.

As for this very unique Cubs situation, I have a happy ending that can appease all parties.

Let 'em both buy it.

The Ricketts family apparently had its issues raising the rest of the money to buy the Cubs, so much so that the final bidding price ended up falling short of the $900 million projection. Let the Ricketts and Utay camps come together and share ownership of the team. It seems like a far-fetched deal, but it isn't. For example, Jerry Reinsdorf is the principal owner of the White Sox, but he's got a team of investors ... lots of teams do this.

If Ricketts and Utay really want to get creative, they would make a quick phone call to Mark Cuban and make an ownership super-team with a face that has Chicago ties (Ricketts), the experience of owning a professional sports team (Cuban) and plenty of cash behind the deal with that three-headed monster.

As a Cubs fan, here's hoping this turns out better than those romcom sitcoms I referenced earlier.

Quality Linkage:

• Here comes another stupid idea from ESPN. Who is America's Team? [Awful Announcing]
• Tuesday in a nutshell: Jason Whitlock gets his "Becky" on. People ask me what "getting Becky on" means. I explain. Laughter, confusion, disgust ensue. As MJ Hartwig said "haha white people." [Fox Sports] ["Becky" def.]
• Ron Artest's tribute song to the King of Pop. [The Sports Hernia]
• Obama first pitch odds. Is there anything Pete Rose can't bet on? [Vegas Watch]