TBDS Late Night: The Dirty 30 Chronicles Return

"...And that's how I nailed Kate Hudson before A-Rod."

It's been a while since The Dirty 30 Chronicles had some fresh fodder for the folks out there. Last we heard of The Dirty One, he was batting .226 1.000 and roofying inspiring Joe Girardi and the New York Yankees.

Dirty 30 had an active offseason that included everything from being A-Rod's wingman to orchestrating a trade out of Chicago with some help from his good pal, Dirty 30 Juice. And according to my super slueths, I've got it on good authority that under the cover of night, Dirty 30 was able to strike again.

And with Dirty 30 back in Chicago for a four-game set that will surely include some post-game action, it's time to go to the vault.

"i heard Hawk's wife filed for divorce last week crazy (stuff). apparently, mark buehrle's perfect game gave him an orgasm he hasn't felt since he met carl yastrzemski at that club the same night he got roofied by nick swisher. buehrle won't go on the record, but he told me "Hawk told me he wanted to (perform an oral favor), but didn't call no homo. Now I gotta slap a restraining order on him. good thing swisher aint still on the team, or hawk mighta borrowed some pill. that's part of the reason he got traded. he slipped buehrle something and hawk and swish tag-teamed. i heard kenny williams caught em in the locker room and was jealous that he didn't get the invite."

Not sure what to make of any of this. But I wouldn't be surprised if something wasn't slipped into Jim Hendry's drink when he re-signed Ryan Dempster to a four-year, $52 million contract.

The conversation probably went something like this:

AGENT: Hi, Jim. My client Mr. Dempster is coming off an outstanding year in which he won 17 games, pitched 200 innings and appeared in the All Star Game. He also was your Game One starter.
HENDRY: Well, that's great. But Mr. Dempster hasn't pitched 200 innings in back-to-back years since 2000-02. In his two previous years with the Cubs, he didn't even rack up 200 innings in relief. His record going into next year will be 76-81. And while he's coming off a career year, he choked it up big time in Game One.
(Hendry begins coughing, choking after engulfing two dozen double-glazed donuts)
AGENT (handing Hendry an unmarked bottle): I want you to drink this, it'll make everything better.
HENDRY (grabs bottle and takes a swig): Oh, wow! What is this?
AGENT (removes mask and reveals himself as Dirty 30): It's Dirty 30 Juice. Now, let's talk about an extension for Mr. Dempster.
HENDRY: Here's a blank check for a four-year deal.
DIRTY 30: Even when I'm not in the batters box, I'm battin' 1.000. (Winks.)

It wasn't long after that when Dirty 30 put on his favorite love jams.

Mood Muzak from jeff on Vimeo.

Leads That Make You Go Hmmmmmm

One of the forgotten aspects of this blog has been its penchant for quality sports writing. Sometimes, I think that gets lost while balancing school, work, schoolwork and that thing called real life.

Anyway, while being inundated by Web link after Web link insisting Jake Peavy would be joining a Chicago baseball team eventually, I tripped across a piece of journalistic nose gold that dripped from the pen and onto the keyboard of Chicago Tribune scribe Phil Rogers.

"Swisherlicious."

That's what some New York Yankees players are calling the good times they've had during their winning streak, which ended at nine games Friday night.

And in a matter of two months, Dirty 30 has soiled the entire Yankees organization.

He's the only player in Major League history to raise his batting average to 1.000 without lifting the bat off his shoulder.

It won't be long until another college hottie is lapping it up after getting some "Swisher Sweetness."

I think it's time for me to place another order of "Dirty 30 Juice" because my supply is on low and I'm in a massive slump.

Nick Swisher, Joe Girardi inspire New York Yankees [Chicago Tribune]

The Nick Swisher Chronicles

Photo courtesy of Bullpenbaker.mlblogs.com

The Tampa Bay Rays defeated the Chicago White Sox 6-4 in Game 4 of the ALDS, winning the series 3 games to 1, eliminating the Pale Hose from the postseason

The South Siders have a lot of decisions to make before next season begins, one of which is whether or not OF/1B Nick Swisher should return next season.

I was able to get an exclusive transcript of the conversation from one of my sources between Dirty 30 and White Sox GM Kenny Williams at a local Chicago drinking establishment.

KENNY WILLIAMS (standing at the bar): Nick, we need to talk about your future on the team.

DIRTY 30 (walks away from pretty blonde girl): Yo! Yo! Yo! What's up K-Willie? Are you silly?

KW: Dirty, I'm not sure if we're going to bring you back next season.

D30: Why? I thought I had a good year. We made the playoffs and we had more fans this year than in the last 10. I think I had something to do with that.

KW: Well, Dirty, to be honest, your offense could have been better.

D30: What do you mean? I hit 24 home runs this season.

KW: Yeah, but you only hit .219.

D30: What are you talking about?

KW: Your batting average, it was only .219. That's almost pathetic for a guy who is eligible to make more than $21 million over the next three years.

D30: Really? My batting average was too low?

KW: Yes, Dirty. You need to convince me to bring you back next year.
(Dirty 30 proceeds to pass his hand over Kenny's bottle of Colt 45, which begins to suddenly sizzle.)

D30: Now I'm batting 1.000!

KW: Welcome back to the team.

Nick Swisher: Batting 1.000

Photo Credit: Chicago Sun-Times

Last time I saw Nick Swisher, it was at a bar, with a pretty girl on his side. He was giving out free Bud Lights.

Never told him I was a Cubs fan. All I needed to tell him was that I was a fan of free beer.

When you're making $3.5 million in a year in which you hit .219, you should celebrate accordingly.

Also, when you're making $3.5 million, it doesn't matter what you're hitting. One magical motion bumps that average to 1.000.

I can't wait until Jonathan Papelbon or Prince Fielder get s ahold of him.

'Til then, have a GRAND day.