Mike Vick + Philly = Bad Newz

Check my college transcripts, I'm no mathematician, but Mike Vick signing with the Philadelphia Eagles cannot equal a happy ending.

Or can it?

Sure, Vick does give the Eagles a viable back-up quarterback once Week 10 rolls around when Donovan McNabb, who lobbied for the signing (video below via With Leather), hits the injured list with a bruised ego. But that's if (and only if) Vick hasn't put on 50 pounds of prison weight or that his prison time hasn't helped him hone his skills as a wide receiver.

(Yeah, I went there)

If McNabb is healthy for an entire season (fat chance) then head coach Andy Reid could really earn his paycheck by implementing some sort of Wildcat offense hybrid with McNabb, Vick and DeSean Jackson in the backfield. Defenses would be more confused than Lindsay Lohan after she leaves rehab.

On the other hand, Vick is going to Philly. And Philly fans make drunk, stupid Cubs fans look like saints with their behavior.

They've booed Santa. They throw batteries like the Black Sox threw ball games. They carry laser pointers to baseball games. The were pissed at last year's World Series result because the Phillies won it in five games rather than four.

One Mike Vick miscue, a silly drunk and one righteous animal activist could start a fan war that would pale in comparison to anything Cubs-Cardinals, Red Sox-Yankees, Duke-Carolina and Michigan-Ohio State could put on. Realize the PETA people are the same ones that shook their heads when President Obama swatted a fly.

Vick might need more help than Derrick Rose on an entrance exam.

And that is why I won't turn my eye away from this soon-to-be trainwreck.

Cubs-Phillies Pre-Game Rant: A Prelude To TBDS Late Night

Only in Philly. I guess this is where Kobe got his "thing" from.

Once upon a time, I used to write preview stories for big games and big series for this blog. As my free time has dwindled, so have the previews. But this is special, so consider this one big aside.

The Chicago Cubs need to take at least two out of three from the Philadelphia Phillies. It's not because the Phils are the defending world champs. It's not because the Phightins were moved into the NL Central over night.

Instead, I will give into the primal instinct of being a fan and admit that I want the Cubs to beat the Phillies because I want to shut a certain Phillies fan up. He knows who he is. He'll read this. He might even respond.

See, if there is one fanbase that deserves absolutely nothing it is Philadelphia. Philly's most recent blessings:

• Harry Kalas
• A 2009 World Series
• Allen Iverson
• Donovan McNabb
• Playing in the same division as the New York Mets
• A college basketball coach that wants to choke out John Calipari
  

That is way too much to give a fandom that has heckled, booed and pelted Santa Claus with batteries. Philly fans deserve this much good happening to them as much as Paris Hilton deserves a cure for whatever diseases live inside her mouth and other dark places. Giving the Phillies a championship is like giving that one bratty kid who ruins every holiday party a gift for not completely ruining this year's festivity.

And yet, I shouldn't be bothered by this because Philadelphia has wet dreams about being half the city Chicago is.

Better food? Chicago, by far. Better hot dogs. Better sandwiches and better pizza. Seriously, that Domino's American Legends pizza is a joke. No Chicago style? No New York style? That's like putting together a list of best rappers alive and leaving off Kanye West and Jay-Z, but putting the Young Gunz on the list. (Someone I know who reads this will get that reference.)

Better sports town? Chicago, without a doubt. The Bears, Bulls, Hawks and (dare I say?) White Sox provide a much more entertaining sporting experience than the Eagles, Sixers and Flyers.

So, you've got a Liberty Bell. Big deal. I'll take the Sears Tower in the monuments that are better than an ancient cracked bell category. Ooh, and the Rocky movies. Whooptie-freakin'-do! There are 10 movies based in Chicago that are better than all of the Rocky movies combined.

The best thing Philadelphia has going for it is A.J. Daulerio. Other than that, the last really good thing to come out of Philly is some guys named Ryne Sandberg and Ferguson Jenkins. (And to a lesser extent, The Fresh Prince and Jazzy Jeff.)

By the way, thanks for that, fellas.. Hope you enjoyed the Hall of Fame careers of Ivan DeJesus, Larry Jackson and Bob Buhl.

Oh and one more thing about your city that stinks. You have to live there.

Smell ya later, Philadelphia.