Sunday, February 7, 2010

The Official TBDS Super Bowl Pre-Game Blog

We're about five hours away from Super Bowl smackdown and I've got some stupid questions to ask.

Did you know that Peyton Manning, this year's NFL MVP, finished second in the Heisman Trophy voting to this year's Defensive MVP, Charles Woodson?  Of course not.  Because no one cares about what happened back when dinosaurs roamed earth.

How about this one.

Did you know that the New Orleans Saints have the second best quarterback in the NFC behind @NotJayCutler, whose precise tweets are exactly what you need to make you forget that actual Jay Cutler failed to live up to high expectations thanks in part to Ron Turner's middle school playbook?

Super Bowl predictions are like herpes assholes, everyone's got one.

So here's ours.

Colts 28, Saints 21.

But what everyone else won't give you is how they got there.

This is where TBDS > your average blog.


Right before Carrie Underwood sings the national anthem, Reggie Bush "mistakenly" forgets his helmet in the locker room and dashes to get it.  However, Bush does not return until midway through the first quarter.

Shortly after Bush emerges from the locker room, a hot-and-bothered Kim Kardashian is spotted entering the stadium claiming to be late after being "caught in traffic" prior to kickoff.

(25 minutes later)

"Reggie Bush-Kim Kardashian Super Bowl Sex Tape" becomes a trending topic on Twitter.

Joseph Addai puts the Colts on the scoreboard and gives Indy a 7-0 lead after a 13-yard touchdown run.  Somewhere in Mississippi, Brett Favre picks up his phone and texts Adrian Peterson, "c what happens when u hold on to da football?"

Colts 7, Saints 0

Bush fumbles away the Saints' first possession as it appears his hands are covered with Vaseline or baby oil.  Kardashian quips, "Reggie always has a firm grip on me."  Awkward silence ensues.

Indianapolis turns the turnover into points as Peyton Manning fires a 35-yard strike to Austin Collie to give the Colts a two score lead.  Somewhere in Minnesota, Peterson replies to Favre's text, "c what happens when u throw it to the team wearing the same color jersey as u?"

Colts 14, Saints 0


Bush redeems himself with an 84-yard punt return touchdown to put the Saints back into the game.

The touchdown marks the first time ever in the history of the world anyone has even considered putting "Bush redeems himself" in a sentence that isn't concluded with "by apologizing to the people of New Orleans."

Colts 14, Saints 7

Another Peyton Manning touchdown toss extends the Colts' lead to 21-7.  This time to Reggie Wayne on a blown coverage.

Somewhere in Chicago, Lovie Smith receives a text from 3,864,792 Bears fans, "hey Lovie, that look familiar?"

Smith wonders how so many Bears fans got his number.

Colts 21, Saints 7


Millions of gamblers call their bookies.  Thousands of fans head to the restroom.  Hundreds of wives ask if the game is over yet.  Dozens of children go outside to recreate a play from the first half.  A wild, horny couple attempts to recreate the scene between Bush-and-Kardashian in an unoccupied bedroom at the party they are currently attending.


Saints make a run.  Pierre Thomas takes a swing pass for a touchdown to cut the Colts' lead to 21-14.  Bears fans across the nation lament the fact that Thomas was Chicago-born and Chicago-raised, yet Jerry Angelo couldn't bring him to town.

Somewhere in a time machine headed back to the mid-1990s, Ron Turner wonders why he never ran that play while Thomas was at Illinois.

Looks at playbook.

Sees "Copyright 1987" scribbled across the bottom.

Colts 21, Saints 14
Peyton Manning throws an interception and Darren Sharper returns it for a touchdown.  TV camera finds Archie Manning in a suite shaking his head, but counting the money he made off interviews and endorsement deals this week.  Second camera finds Eli Manning taking shots of bourbon with a hot chick.

Somewhere in Nashville, Tenn., Jay Cutler tries to pass the time, but is intercepted and blames Devin Hester for running the wrong route.

Colts 21, Saints 21


Manning orchestrates a long touchdown drive that ends with a Pierre Garcon touchdown grab.  Somewhere in Pennsylvania, someone loads Marvin Harrison's gun.  That someone receives a text from Plaxico Burress warning about gun safety.

Colts 28, Saints 21
Brees tries to mount a rally, but after scoring what appeared to be a game-tying touchdown, the play is thrown to the booth for a review.  The play is overturned because Manning, who is simultaneously directing a MasterCard commercial, scolds Brees for not following the script.

Touchdown overruled.

Colts win 28-21.

1 comments: said...

I am really looking forward to the Super Bowl! The Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints are definitely the best teams in their respective conferences. I am rooting for the Colts. I think it will be a close, high-scoring game. If I had to predict a final score, I’d say the Colts will win 34-31.

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