Charlie Weis' Next Job: Bears Offensive Coordinator

First of all, wow, I still cannot believe I got a picture of Charlie Weis to fit on this page.  The Internet truly is a special place.

Second, I cannot believe Notre Dame fans really want to can the head coach that has brought the most talent to the Golden Domers since Lou Holtz resided in South Bend, Ind.  OK, so you're not winning national championships yearly.  Get used to it.  The only people who care about Notre Dame's grand tradition are people who went there a long time ago.  Now, the only tradition high school's most talented football players care about involves blondes, bikinis and beer.

What?  You think high school students don't like to party?

Because of this new train of thought, Fighting Irish fans are getting restless and wanting to launch their head coach.  Fine by me.  I've got a perfect landing spot for him.

Chicago.

I will never be confused with nostrodamus (or Nastrodamus or Negrodamus, for that matter) but if I had a guess, Bears fans will not get all their Christmas wishes come true this winter.  That means Lovie Smith will not be fired.  But if I were a gambling man (which I am on certain days that end with "Y") I would say that Ron Turner is very likely to be the scape goat and will be asked to leave Halas Hall along with his playbook chock full of plays that were successful back in the day when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

And if Weis is on the market, Jerry Angelo should be at all systems go to try to get him.

Weis would be the perfect candidate for the Bears next OC gig.  He has a history of developing good, young quarterbacks.  Tom Brady is the prime example, but take a look at what he did with Brady Quinn and Jimmy Claussen.  The similarities between the two are striking.  Both started as true freshmen and both gradually improved each and every year afterward. And if it weren't for some close losses, Claussen would be joining Quinn as ND QBs to start in a BCS bowl game.

(He probably would have joined Quinn as just another QB to have lost a BCS bowl game as the Fighting Irish starting quarterback.  I digress.)

Jay Cutler is only 26 and will be entering his prime, and since Ron Turner is allergic to developing quarterbacks, the Bears need Weis.  In fact, Cutler needs the rotund offensive guru more than Weis needs a NFL job.  (But not as much as CW needs a turkey sandwich.)  The Weis offensive gameplan (as detailed here) would be a tremendous upgrade from whatever plays Turner drew in the dirt on a sandlot once upon a time.

For Cutler, who was a four-year starter at Vanderbilt, hiring Weis would mean working with a creative offensive mind for the first time in his short stay in Chicago.  And since we all know Cutler is the centerpiece of the future of Bears football, Angelo might as well surround the centerpiece with a complimentary set of shit that doesn't suck.

Charlie's passing offenses ranked sixth, 10th, 12th and fourth from 2001 to 2004.  A span in which the Patriots won 48 games and three Super Bowl rings.  In those years, Brady passed for 13,919 yards and 97 touchdowns.  In those four years, Brady had three different players to lead in receiving ... so it is not as if he has been throwing to Randy Moss his entire career.

Weis' best feature is that he gets the most out of his talent, a feature that only the best coaches have.  Unfortunately, his worst feature is that in order to lure him to Chicago, it would likely take a countless amount of deep dish pizzas to get him to coach the Bears' offense.

And that might be a task too tall for Giordano's, Gino's East and Lou Malnati's to handle.

Jake Peavy Couldn't Come Soon Enough, Could He?

Bartolo Colon's uninspiring line read as follows:

2.0 IP 7 H 8 R 1 ER 2 BB 1 K 2 HR 7 DCE*

*DCE denotes Double Cheeseburgers Eaten.

Hat Tip: Deadspin, Yahoo!

McDonalds is going out of business

Bartolo Colon is back in Chicago with a minor league deal that can turn into a decent chunk of change says Ken Rosenthal of Fox Sports.

I really don't know how to feel about it because I was hoping that the risky contract would be handed out to our old friend Freddy Garcia but apparently the White Sox are going down the Colon road again.

In theory this can only help because if Colon comes to camp weighing in at 349 plus pounds with an 85 mph fastball he doesn't make the team or any real money. But if they get a respectable 120 or so innings out of him than that sounds good to me because Jose Contreras could be back after the halfway point anyway.

Still, I'm hoping for another option for the White Sox that doesn't rhyme with Meff Jarquez but we'll see what happens when the free agent market continues to bottom out. Besides, most of the key pieces that were added to the 2005 World Series team were toward the end of Janurary anyway.

But the clock is ticking on that thought.

Anyway, when I first read about Colon coming back to town I thought of the April game when it was about 30 degrees out and he didn't want to wear long sleeves because it was uncomfortable.

Ahhh... only you Mr. Hamburglar....

It also reminds me of this Family Guy quote:

(Peter slowly raises up a comic book into his line of sight while he is driving.)
Peter (to himself): Hehehehehe.....Look at all those hamburgers. You can't eat all those hamburgers, you stupid fella (car veers off the road). Oh geeze! (Peter swerves the car back on the road and then slowly raises up the comic book again). Uh! He's gonna do it! Oh he is SO ridiculous--you hear me, you ridiculous man? (Car crashes into tree.)