A Reminder: Kevin Gregg Sucks

You know what's sexy?  Megan Fox bent over a motorcycle.  You know what's not sexy?  Kevin Gregg.

Zach Links of mlbtraderumors.com (a must-read for baseball addicts) says in a recent blog post Gregg, "is admittedly not one of the sexier names on the free agent market" but "should garner a fair amount of attention this offseason."

The blog post is titled "Discussion: Kevin Gregg."

Kevin Gregg sucks.  Discussion over.

Talk about wasting 140 words, a blog post and precious internet space on a guy who blew harder than a hurricane last season.  I mean, we're talking about a guy who turned what could have been five Cubs wins into losses because of his appearance.  He had a career-worst 4.72 earned run average and his WHIP was at its highest since becoming a full-time closer.  (I use the term "closer" in the loosest terms possible.)

Jim Hendry already traded a young, talented arm for Gregg's services last year.  Then inked him to a deal worth $4.2 million to avoid arbitration.  Nothing says "baseball savvy" like trading a hard-throwing right-hander under team control for one year of a shitty middle-reliever posing as a closer.

I know the Cubs hate going to arbitration and haven't done so in more than a decade, but you have to think an arbitrator would look at Gregg's numbers, notice how bad the numbers are and rule that Gregg owes the team money for false advertisement of a product.

Hendry is the only GM in baseball that would go out of his way to re-up with Gregg and offer him a multi-year, multi-million dollar deal.  And since he's already fallen for that trick once, he wouldn't fall for it again, would he?

OK, he probably would.

I guess I'll start pre-writing a post about why Hendry should be fired after signing Gregg to a four-year deal worth $44 million.

Ten Ways To Exile Kevin Gregg

Last night's game-losing blast actually did land on the moon. Say, is that Albert Pujols' ball off Brad Lidge from the NLCS???

In a move that has "too little, too late" written all over it, Kevin Gregg has been exiled from the ninth inning and has been reassigned to blow games in the sixth, seventh or eighth innings rather than the ninth.

But for me, and most Cubs fans with half a brain, that's not enough. Gregg has got to go. For good. Yes, his contract expires at the end of the year, but at this point of the season, year end can't come soon enough.

In the meantime, here are 10 ways we can get Gregg gone from Chicago.

10. Implications of steroid use. Manny Ramirez caught a 50 game suspension earlier in the season, and one of those suspensions would serve the Cubs' bullpen well right now. If someone can throw a syringe or two in Gregg's locker, have a package marked 'HGH' sent to his home or inject him while under the cover of night, he'd be as good as gone.

It's too bad he doesn't take performance enhancers. After this season's performance, maybe he should.

9. Tie him to Mike Vick's dogfighting ring. As I said last night via Twitter, "Kevin Gregg is to Cub fans what Mike Vick was to dogs: Cruel & Inhumane." He's blown six saves, given up three game-winning home runs and leads NL relievers with 12 home runs allowed -- which is two more than he's allowed in the last two seasons.

If someone can link between Gregg's cruel and unreasonable treatment of Cubs fans with Bad Newz Kennels, Roger Goodell would bitch-slap Bud Selig and suspend Gregg himself.

8. One night with Dirty 30. Here's the plan: 1. Hit Gregg with frying pan, make sure he is knocked out. 2. Put blonde wig and eye-liner on passed out Gregg. 3. Send him to a New York area bar with Dirty 30. Watch the sparks fly. Opposing hitters might only be hitting .229 this year against Gregg, but everyone knows Dirty 30 is always batting 1.000!

7. One night as R. Kelly's wing man. Yeah, Kellz beat his case, but someone who sings the lyric, "Shorty if you're thirsty, I got the good, good lemonade" in a song is disturbed. If Kellz can get Gregg on a remix (not sure why, but hang with me here), it won't be long until a blurry video surfaces alleging Kevin Gregg of giving and 14-year-old girl some of his lemonade.

6. One night with Donte Stallworth. Seriously, how does a man who gets behind the wheel of a car drunk, kill a man and only get 24 days in jail. Yet, Mike Vick, who ponies up some money for a dogfighting ring gets thrown to the wolves. This is what's wrong with the American punishment system. There is no way I can justify giving money for a dog-fighting ring as a worse offense than killing an innocent bystander while driving drunk.

5. A Plaxification. Picture this: Kevin Gregg goes to the club wearing sweatpants and accidentally shoots himself with the thing that was supposed to protect him.

4. Take him on the Maury show. Kevin Gregg has screwed the Cubs and their fans all year. So, who's to say he hasn't done the same with some hoochies looking to get a few dozen free paternity tests because they don't know which of these 27 guys is her baby's daddy.

A few trips to the Maury Show in New York should tie up some of his time.

3. Use a time travel device (part one). Go back in time. Bring the crazy Lou Piniella into 2009. Let him attack Kevin Gregg like he attacked Rob Dibble. Make sure all evidence points to Aaron Miles. Ensure Miles gets charged for murder.

It's too bad we know Aaron Miles' defense attorneys will bring up the very valid point that Miles can't hit anything.

2. Use a time travel device (part two). Warn Jim Hendry of a future of Kevin Gregg allowing game-losing gopher balls. And with each run Gregg allows that season, tell Hendry that 1,000 donut shops are closed in each city baseball is played in.

Then, there's no way Hendry makes this trade.

1. Use a time travel device (part three). One word: Abortion.

A Message To Jim Hendry

Ryan Dempster sucks. Kevin Gregg sucks. Aaron Heilman sucks.

Carlos Zambrano is on the DL. Rich Harden is behind schedule in joining him. Randy Wells is approaching the innings pitched danger zone as a rookie.


The Cubs have holes in the rotation and in the bullpen. Yet, there is apparently no interest from the Chicago Cubs in free-agent John Smoltz. But the Cardinals do.

All they would have to do is pay the pro-rated minimum.

That's it.

If they can't do that done because of "impending ownership change" then let's fold the tents over at Clark & Addison and contract the damn team.

Jim Hendry, you suck harder than all of the losers I mentioned in line one. If I was Tom Ricketts, I'd have a nice message waiting on your voicemail for you....

Power Rankings: Ranking The 2009 Cubs

Come grab some bench next to Sweet Uncle Lou...if you feel lucky. Punk.

After a weekend in Chicago, I thought today would be a good day to premier a special edition of Power Rankings. It is likely I will do this for the other Chicago teams I write about (Bears, Bulls) once their respective seasons roll around.

We'll work our way from the bottom up, shall we?

The Bottom 10

1. Kevin Gregg - I tried to be nice, but never again. The next time I write something nice about you will be if/when you deliver the final out that clinches a playoff spot, playoff game win, playoff series win, pennant-clinching or World Series-clinching win. Or whenever Luke over at Breakfast For The Block tells me you're no longer stinking up the joint.

2. Carlos Marmol - Throw f*cking strikes. I'm sick of this act. The 3.56 ERA is decent, but the 1.49 WHIP has got to go. So do the 11 hit batsmen. So do the 52 walks in just over 55.2 innings. I wouldn't mind if the Marmolade got a tweak of flavoring in Iowa ... or force feed him Greg Maddux footage of not walking people. Or both.

3. Ryan Dempster - You've been nothing but a disappointment since signing a four-year, $52 million deal in the offseason. You might have roofied fooled Jim Hendry, but you're not fooling me or my fellow Cubs fans. Your WHIP, H/9, HR/9 and ERA are all significantly higher. Your K/9, K/BB and likability are all down. Long story short, pitch like last year or go back to Canada.

4. Aaron Heilman - Can you believe Jim Hendry traded two guys to acquire Heilman from Seattle? Sure, Garrett Olson isn't lighting the world on fire and Ronnie Cedeno is still Ronnie Cedeno. But giving up two warm bodies for Aaron Frickin' Heilman is a fireable offense in my book.

5. Aaron Miles - You should go on the disabled list not because you're hurt, but because your inability to play baseball at a level that is worth a damn makes you a liability for this team. Go back to St. Louis, I'm sure Tony LaRussa needs a designated driver. Too bad you don't meet height requirements.

6. Jeff Samardzija - $10 million guaranteed (guaranteed!!!) for a guy who isn't even playing the sport he's actually good at. Is there a way the Cubs can trade him to the Bears? That's not a joke or a punchline. Get Jeff Spellcheck some pads, a helmet and a jersey with a number in the 80s and send him out to Bourbonnais.

7. Mike Fontenot - The other half of the Cajun Connection has either forgotten how to hit or has forgotten to eat his Wheaties in the morning. There's only room for one little person to do well, and your LSU buddy Ryan Theriot has that covered. Now, go get me some Cajun food goodness and a couple of those drop-dead gorgeous Southern Belle's I covet.

Now!

8. Sean Marshall - I have nothing against Marshall outside of the fact that he has absolutely been torched in August. A 2.667 WHIP is higher than the WHIPs he posted in the last two months combined. Sean, I like you, a lot. No homo. Just hide for the rest of the month and I'm sure you'll get your act together.

9. Neal Cotts - I don't care that you're not on the Cubs anymore. Your DL stint is without a doubt one of this season's highlights as far as I'm concerned. You need to find a new way to make an honest living, because pitchin' ain't easy.

10. Koyovany Sohill - Yeah, I combined the two scrub catchers we got on this team. Each is hitting .225 and have combined for 12 homers and 44 RBIs. That sucks. Plain and simple. I'd feel a lot better if certain members of the pitching staff could be handled a lot better than they have been.

Honorable Mention: Carlos Zambrano - Seriously, Big Z, get it together. Now. Not now, but right now. You're in the second year of a $91.5 million extension and you admit to not working hard. I'm not sure how to feel about that.

You've got a 3.35 ERA and a 7-4 record despite leading the starting rotation in walks allowed (57). Your WHIP shouldn't be 1.350. Should not. Go back to the 2004, 2005, or 2006 Big Z. The Big Z that wanted to pile-drive Jim Edmonds as he admired a popout to right field. The Big Z that used Michael Barrett as a punching bag and made him like it.

Allow me to speak for Cubs fans when I say, will the Real Big Z please stand up!

Here are the guys that aren't royally screwing the pooch. For the most part.

1. Derrek Lee - After a slow start, the slugging first baseman has done just that. In the season's first month, he OPSed .537, but has seen it rise in each month and currently stands at .910 thanks in large part to a steaming hot July in which he hit 9 HRs and 6 doubles en route to a 1.028 OPS in July.

2. Ryan Theriot - Early in the season, Theriot experimented with a power stroke that was reminiscent of the music career of a one-hit wonder. Since being lambasted constantly for abandoning his natural opposite-field swing by Bob Brenly, Theriot has re-gained his stroke and his eye at the plate.

3. Randy Wells - Sad, but true, Wells has been the Cubs' most consistent starting pitcher this year. His 1.196 WHIP ranks second among starters (behind Ted Lilly's 1.154) and third on the team. His 9-5 record and 3.01 earned run average make him a darkhorse candidate for NL Rookie of the Year.

4. Kosuke Fukudome - Saying K-Fuk has emerged as the teams' lead-off man is like saying Drake has a bright future in hip-hop. Fukudome's stats when leading off a game (.438/.571/.875/1.446) with five walks and seven hits. He's also silenced critics who said his offensive stats would fall off as he has shifted to center, thanks to a .283 batting average, .889 OPS and a .330 BAbip when playing center.

5. Rich Harden - Just look at his last 28 days, shall we? Record be damned (1-1), Harden can boast a 2.32 ERA, 40-11 strikeout-to-walk ratio, 0.871 WHIP in 31 innings. He might make for a fine closer one day, but right now, it is Harden who is pitching like a front-of-the-rotation starter.

6. Angel Guzman - The Goose has been the most reliable reliever for Lou Piniella, which makes him something like the valedictorian of summer school. He sports the best WHIP on the team (0.981) and makes wearing goggles cool. Unlike some jackasses...

7. Jake Fox - Cubs fans, you want Mark DeRosa? Here he is. Fox owns an .896 OPS and eight homers as a starter. He's played first, third, left, right and even caught in a pinch. If Larry Rothschild was Dave Duncan, he would have taught the kid a slider and a splitter and would be toiling in middle relief. If Ivan DeJesus could teach him how to play second base, he might actually be savior worthy.

8. Tom Gorzelanny - In his two wins as a Cubs starting pitcher, he's tossed 12.1 innings, struck out 14 batters while only walking four, and has a 0.826 WHIP. As we head into September, he's the wild-card and could lead the Cubs into the postseason if he keeps this up.

9. Jeff Baker - Who? How? Just check out what he did last week with his slash stats: .526/.571/.737/1.308. His lone homer as a Cub came as a 21st birthday gift to friend-of-the-program, Barton Lorimor. Big ups to a Baker I might come around to liking if he keeps this up.

10. Milton Bradley - The last month or so have been mighty fine for Crazy Uncle Milton. Public Enemy No. 1 has hit .414, on-based .469 and OPSed .986 since settling into the two-hole. His batsh*t crazy personality might be able to distract some teams as the Cubs try to sneak into a playoff spot.

Despite Piniella's Stubbornness, Cubs Must Change Closer (Preferably Now)

Even Barack Obama thinks the Cubs need change in the closer's role.

The text message was simple: Kevin Gregg blows another save. But it could have ended with an even simpler message.

Kevin Gregg blows.

Gregg blew back-to-back saves in the Cubs' three-game set against the Florida Marlins. He picked up the win after blowing Saturday's game thanks to Derrek Lee's 10th inning homer, but was not as lucky in the series finale on Sunday.

After constant prodding by Breakfast For The Block big-foot Luke McCormick, I was ready to accept Gregg as the closer for the rest of the year, as he had converted his last 10 saves prior to Saturday's debacle. After Sunday, the love fest ends. If Lou Piniella wants to guide the Cubs to a third straight NL Central title, he needs to make a move in the closer's role.

Now.

In 14 July appearances, Gregg lowered his earned run average from 3.82 to 3.35. In two August appearances, that ERA has skyrocketed to 4.17 after giving up five runs on six hits, three of which were extra-base hits.

He leads all of major league relievers in home runs allowed (10). Of the 19 closers in baseball that have at least 20 saves, Gregg's WHIP (1.35) ranks third highest behind Matt Capps and Brad Lidge, each of whom have 1.79. His 4.17 ERA ranks fifth highest, as once again, Brad Lidge (7.11) leads the way.

It might not get better as this month progresses. Gregg owns a career ERA of 4.91, and last year, Gregg posted a 4.94 ERA after the All-Star Break.

Jake Fox, whose ninth inning homer should have been the game-winner if the Cubs had a competent closer, said he feels bad for Gregg, who he said has some "great stuff." Nick Swisher has some great stuff too, but I don't feel bad for him. Not in the least.

Former Florida Marlins teammate Dan Uggla, echoed Fox's sentiments.

"I've seen Gregg over the last few years and he's been as dominant as anybody."

Stop right there, Dan Uggla. Stop. Right. There.

Saying that Kevin Gregg has been as dominant as any closer in baseball is an insult to my intelligence. And anyone who nods in agreement with Uggla should be banished from baseball and forced to give sponge baths Bartolo Colon, CC Sabathia and Prince Fielder for the rest of their lives.

Nothing says "dominant" like a low-90s fastball with no movement and a slider that screams "hit me" as soon as it's released.

Then there's Piniella, who when asked if he should make a change in the closer's role, he responded, "Why should I?"

Why is a shake-up needed in the closer's spot? To put it in the most simplistic terms: He sucks. Lou, youv'e played musical chairs with your line-ups a billion times and it is finally paying off.

Alfonso Soriano (.339/.409/.644/1.053 since post-ASB) and Kosuke Fukudome (.365/.476/.538/1.015 post-ASB) have picked it up since shifting around in the order. And Fox has hit .297, slugged .626 and OPSed .956 in games he has started.

Change is necessary, and has proved to be good for Piniella's Cubs in the past. I don't understand why cool off his own hot hand when it comes to making a change in the most important role in the bullpen.

Carlos Marmol can't close right now, nor should he. Marmol has hit a NL-most 10 batters and has issued more free passes through 55 games (48) than he did last year in 82 games (41).

Angel Guzman has been the Cubs' best reliever, but lacks the experience. But let's be honest with each other, how much has Kevin Gregg's past experience as a closer helped the team?

Searching for an answer?

Don't worry, I'll wait.

The Inclusion Of Kevin Gregg On This Roster Puzzles Me

UPDATE: Aaron Heilman gives up one run on three hits as the Cubs drop an extra inning affair to the Braves. Cubs go from no-hit bid to no-win bums in the matter of innings.

Randy Wells is reminding me of the good guy at the bar who is doing a really good job on his date, before his sleazebag buddy ruins it for him in the end.

Tonight against Atlanta, Wells was sparkling in 7 innings allowing only 2 hits, 2 runs (1 earned) and 4 strikeouts without allowing a walk.

Enter Kevin Gregg in the role of slezebag buddy.

Gregg allowed 2 runs, on 1 hit. That hit being a game-tying Jeff Francoeur two-run homer with two outs in the bottom of the ninth.

The Cubs are in extras now, where they will now certainly lose ... wasting home runs by Alfonso Soriano and the suddenly resurgent Derrek Lee.