Ten Ways To Exile Kevin Gregg

Last night's game-losing blast actually did land on the moon. Say, is that Albert Pujols' ball off Brad Lidge from the NLCS???

In a move that has "too little, too late" written all over it, Kevin Gregg has been exiled from the ninth inning and has been reassigned to blow games in the sixth, seventh or eighth innings rather than the ninth.

But for me, and most Cubs fans with half a brain, that's not enough. Gregg has got to go. For good. Yes, his contract expires at the end of the year, but at this point of the season, year end can't come soon enough.

In the meantime, here are 10 ways we can get Gregg gone from Chicago.

10. Implications of steroid use. Manny Ramirez caught a 50 game suspension earlier in the season, and one of those suspensions would serve the Cubs' bullpen well right now. If someone can throw a syringe or two in Gregg's locker, have a package marked 'HGH' sent to his home or inject him while under the cover of night, he'd be as good as gone.

It's too bad he doesn't take performance enhancers. After this season's performance, maybe he should.

9. Tie him to Mike Vick's dogfighting ring. As I said last night via Twitter, "Kevin Gregg is to Cub fans what Mike Vick was to dogs: Cruel & Inhumane." He's blown six saves, given up three game-winning home runs and leads NL relievers with 12 home runs allowed -- which is two more than he's allowed in the last two seasons.

If someone can link between Gregg's cruel and unreasonable treatment of Cubs fans with Bad Newz Kennels, Roger Goodell would bitch-slap Bud Selig and suspend Gregg himself.

8. One night with Dirty 30. Here's the plan: 1. Hit Gregg with frying pan, make sure he is knocked out. 2. Put blonde wig and eye-liner on passed out Gregg. 3. Send him to a New York area bar with Dirty 30. Watch the sparks fly. Opposing hitters might only be hitting .229 this year against Gregg, but everyone knows Dirty 30 is always batting 1.000!

7. One night as R. Kelly's wing man. Yeah, Kellz beat his case, but someone who sings the lyric, "Shorty if you're thirsty, I got the good, good lemonade" in a song is disturbed. If Kellz can get Gregg on a remix (not sure why, but hang with me here), it won't be long until a blurry video surfaces alleging Kevin Gregg of giving and 14-year-old girl some of his lemonade.

6. One night with Donte Stallworth. Seriously, how does a man who gets behind the wheel of a car drunk, kill a man and only get 24 days in jail. Yet, Mike Vick, who ponies up some money for a dogfighting ring gets thrown to the wolves. This is what's wrong with the American punishment system. There is no way I can justify giving money for a dog-fighting ring as a worse offense than killing an innocent bystander while driving drunk.

5. A Plaxification. Picture this: Kevin Gregg goes to the club wearing sweatpants and accidentally shoots himself with the thing that was supposed to protect him.

4. Take him on the Maury show. Kevin Gregg has screwed the Cubs and their fans all year. So, who's to say he hasn't done the same with some hoochies looking to get a few dozen free paternity tests because they don't know which of these 27 guys is her baby's daddy.

A few trips to the Maury Show in New York should tie up some of his time.

3. Use a time travel device (part one). Go back in time. Bring the crazy Lou Piniella into 2009. Let him attack Kevin Gregg like he attacked Rob Dibble. Make sure all evidence points to Aaron Miles. Ensure Miles gets charged for murder.

It's too bad we know Aaron Miles' defense attorneys will bring up the very valid point that Miles can't hit anything.

2. Use a time travel device (part two). Warn Jim Hendry of a future of Kevin Gregg allowing game-losing gopher balls. And with each run Gregg allows that season, tell Hendry that 1,000 donut shops are closed in each city baseball is played in.

Then, there's no way Hendry makes this trade.

1. Use a time travel device (part three). One word: Abortion.

Despite Piniella's Stubbornness, Cubs Must Change Closer (Preferably Now)

Even Barack Obama thinks the Cubs need change in the closer's role.

The text message was simple: Kevin Gregg blows another save. But it could have ended with an even simpler message.

Kevin Gregg blows.

Gregg blew back-to-back saves in the Cubs' three-game set against the Florida Marlins. He picked up the win after blowing Saturday's game thanks to Derrek Lee's 10th inning homer, but was not as lucky in the series finale on Sunday.

After constant prodding by Breakfast For The Block big-foot Luke McCormick, I was ready to accept Gregg as the closer for the rest of the year, as he had converted his last 10 saves prior to Saturday's debacle. After Sunday, the love fest ends. If Lou Piniella wants to guide the Cubs to a third straight NL Central title, he needs to make a move in the closer's role.

Now.

In 14 July appearances, Gregg lowered his earned run average from 3.82 to 3.35. In two August appearances, that ERA has skyrocketed to 4.17 after giving up five runs on six hits, three of which were extra-base hits.

He leads all of major league relievers in home runs allowed (10). Of the 19 closers in baseball that have at least 20 saves, Gregg's WHIP (1.35) ranks third highest behind Matt Capps and Brad Lidge, each of whom have 1.79. His 4.17 ERA ranks fifth highest, as once again, Brad Lidge (7.11) leads the way.

It might not get better as this month progresses. Gregg owns a career ERA of 4.91, and last year, Gregg posted a 4.94 ERA after the All-Star Break.

Jake Fox, whose ninth inning homer should have been the game-winner if the Cubs had a competent closer, said he feels bad for Gregg, who he said has some "great stuff." Nick Swisher has some great stuff too, but I don't feel bad for him. Not in the least.

Former Florida Marlins teammate Dan Uggla, echoed Fox's sentiments.

"I've seen Gregg over the last few years and he's been as dominant as anybody."

Stop right there, Dan Uggla. Stop. Right. There.

Saying that Kevin Gregg has been as dominant as any closer in baseball is an insult to my intelligence. And anyone who nods in agreement with Uggla should be banished from baseball and forced to give sponge baths Bartolo Colon, CC Sabathia and Prince Fielder for the rest of their lives.

Nothing says "dominant" like a low-90s fastball with no movement and a slider that screams "hit me" as soon as it's released.

Then there's Piniella, who when asked if he should make a change in the closer's role, he responded, "Why should I?"

Why is a shake-up needed in the closer's spot? To put it in the most simplistic terms: He sucks. Lou, youv'e played musical chairs with your line-ups a billion times and it is finally paying off.

Alfonso Soriano (.339/.409/.644/1.053 since post-ASB) and Kosuke Fukudome (.365/.476/.538/1.015 post-ASB) have picked it up since shifting around in the order. And Fox has hit .297, slugged .626 and OPSed .956 in games he has started.

Change is necessary, and has proved to be good for Piniella's Cubs in the past. I don't understand why cool off his own hot hand when it comes to making a change in the most important role in the bullpen.

Carlos Marmol can't close right now, nor should he. Marmol has hit a NL-most 10 batters and has issued more free passes through 55 games (48) than he did last year in 82 games (41).

Angel Guzman has been the Cubs' best reliever, but lacks the experience. But let's be honest with each other, how much has Kevin Gregg's past experience as a closer helped the team?

Searching for an answer?

Don't worry, I'll wait.

Whipping Boys Lead Cubs Back Into First Place

Kevin Gregg, my bad. Most of the season, you've been among the most frustrating player I've ever witnessed as a Cubs fan. You wear goofy goggles and your throwing motion has been compared to one of a batting practice pitcher.

But even I, your biggest detractor, can't help but give you a tip of the cap for what you have done.

Believe it or not, Gregg has gotten better as the season has moved on. In April, his batting average against was .282 and that has dropped to .169 in July. On May 1, his earned run average was a robust 5.91. Now it sits at 3.42. Over the last month, Gregg has a 1.84 ERA, a 0.95 WHIP while racking up 10 saves and punching out 14 hitters in 15 innings pitched.

Not bad for a guy that nobody wanted.

He'll never be confused for Mariano Rivera, but if he continues to get three outs without blowing the lead in the ninth, the Cubs all of a sudden have one of the NL's best bullpens with Carlos Marmol and Angel Guzman turning nine-inning games into six-inning games.

Then there's Milton Bradley. The only person taking more grief than me for supporting Crazy Uncle Milton is Milton himself. It's hard enough when opposing fans are riding you hard, but Bradley's in a no-win situation with Chicago fans. But slowly and surely, he's starting to get work done.

Over the last month, his batting average has been a pedestrian .258, but his on-base percentage has been an outstanding .417 . He's drawn 18 walks in 19 July games to bump that OBP all the way up to a team-best .382. Two of the walks he drew today came into score, one of which came as he scored from first on Alfonso Soriano's double to left due in part to an excellent slide.

He might not be scorching the baseball, but if Bradley (who's hitting .307 in home games) can get on base at a 40-percent clip in front of Soriano in the six spot.

Speaking of Alfonso Soriano, it looks as if he really has taken a liking to being a middle-of-the-line-up thumper.

The former lead-off man came into today's action batting .392 in the six-hole and that will get a nice boost after a 2-for-4 day at the plate today. He's slugging .692 out of his new home in the order and if he keeps it up, he will clearly surpass the .560 slugging percentage he posted in his last year as a Washington National and first year as a Chicago Cub.

Finally, we end with Rich Harden, whose acquisition was much-ballyhooed last July. This year has been an up-and-down kind of thing for Harden. But in his last three starts, Harden has been flat out nasty.

• 6 IP 3 H 1 R 0 ER 7 K 0 BB (W @ WSH 7/16)
• 7 IP 4 H 1 R 1 ER 6 K 2 BB (ND @ PHI 7/21)
• 6 IP 1 H 1 R 1 ER 8 K 0 BB (W vs. CIN 7/26)

That's a 0.526 WHIP, 10.5 K/BB ratio and a 0.95 ERA in his last three starts.

Despite having each of their top three starters see DL time this year, missing its biggest offensive threat player for a majority of the year, the whining and crying of Mark DeRosa fanboys and jersey chasers ... the Chicago Cubs find themselves in first place.

Here's hoping it can stay that way.

Cubs 5 Reds 2 [ESPN]

A Very Merry Birthday List

For Luis C. Medina's birthday, I would like to send Phil Rogers and Kevin Gregg to this small island-nation ... permanently

Here at TBDS, I am the NBA guy. Normally I would write something exciting about the free agency period going on, like how there is going to be a UConn reunion in Motown in a matter of hours. 

But today is even more important than the beginning of NBA free agency. It is the birthday of the founder of The Big Dead Sidebar and sports blogger extraordinaire (and by that I mean the best sports blogger I have ever read), Luis C. Medina. 

So since it is his birthday, I would like to take this time to compile a list of birthday wishes I would have made reality had I been given the chance. 

1. Bryant the Bull: When Kobe says "You might as well buy a Bulls jersey," referencing his desire to play in the Windy City, than it should be a no-brainer to do everything possible to make a move for the best player in the NBA. Unfortunately, it was a brainer for Chicago's front office. They couldn't part ways with Luol Deng and bit the bullet for it. 

Had I been general manager, Mr. Medina would be one happy basketball fan right now. I would have traded Ben Gordon, Luol Deng and Tyrus Thomas with a future pick for No. 24. Bryant would have come to the Bulls where he could play alongside Derrick Rose and create chaos in the East. But instead Deng is always hurt, Gordon is leaving for nothing in return and Thomas is still searching for consistency. The end result ... Rose is forced to carry a team and Luis is a sad birthday boy. 

2. Peavy rocks the Cubbie blue: Unlike the NBA, there is no salary cap in the MLB. Why the Cubs did not push harder to get the Cy Young winner in their rotation is beyond me. Now the Cubs are 36-38 and it's no longer early in the season. Luis is frustrated and it's all cause Chicago just couldn't part ways with Carlos Marmol or top-prospects or anyone else the Padres were interested in. I would have sent Marmol or Lilly or almost whoever the Padres wanted to get Peavy. But instead, Luis is shocked to see his favorite-to-win-the-division Cubbies in fourth place and under .500.  

3. Can we flip-flop: If missing out on Peavy wasn't bad enough, the Cubs virtually traded beloved Mark DeRosa for unbeloved Aaron Miles. If I had the power to give one single gift to Mr. Medina, it would be to make a trade right now sending Miles back home to St. Louis for DeRosa. I know it wouldn't vastly improve the club, but at least it would give Cubs fans a reason to smile and something to cheer about. There is something about DeRosa that just makes a baseball fan feel good inside. 

4. See you later: I would like to buy two tickets to Vanuatu (it's a small island-nation in the south Pacific). And I didn't buy them for Luis to take a vacation either. The tickets would be for my greatest gift of all. I would round up Phil Rogers and Kevin Gregg and send them on their merry way. With Phil Rogers gone, Luis could take his rightful place at the Chicago Tribune and with Kevin Gregg gone ... well that just makes everyone a little more sane. 

5. Make it rain: I am currently trying to track down Pacman Jones so he can make it rain on Hollywood. Someone needs to put up the money to make "Moneyball" a reality. I for one am not that excited for the movie, but it seems important to Luis and the only way I could see the movie being even better is to see Adam "Pacman" Jones name appear as the producer for the movie during the opening credits. 

6. The Bears get a QB: What's that? You say the Bears signed Jay Cutler? You mean the Pro Bowl quarterback right? Hmm .... Well then that wish has become a reality! It looks like while the other five failed to happen, this is true! With Matt Forte, a new defensive coordinator and a healthy offensive line ... well ...

It looks like you might have a happy birthday after all (though you will have to wait until September).

Swine Flu? Nah. Kevin Gregg Is The One Making Me Sick.

Chicago Cubs closer Kevin Gregg has one simple job: Get. Three. Outs. And thus far during his rough-and-tumble tenure on the North Side, he has not been able to do so without a flair for the dramatic.

Today, Gregg was unable to get an out as he allowed four runs (with a little thanks to Aaron Heilman) before the Cubs played small ball in the bottom of the ninth to pick up the win and send the Wrigleyville faithful into a singing frenzy as they hit the town on a Saturday night.

For some Cubs fans, my message to you is simple: It's time to get over Kerry Wood. As much as I love Woody, he's like the girlfriend who stuck out with you during hard times before you broke up on good terms. You still care about her, and heck, still want her back with you. But it's not going to happen.

Instead, we're stuck with Kevin Gregg ... the girl that none of us wanted in the first place.

This Just In: Kevin Gregg is bad at his job

This isn't an instant overreaction to Cubs closer Kevin Gregg blowing a lead in Milwaukee after a good (but short) start by Rich Harden.

Gregg is just bad. I said it when Daryle Ward took him yard for a game-winning homer last year in Florida ... a park that doesn't yield home runs no matter how many roids you're on. I said it when the Cubs acquired him for the once untouchable Jose Ceda. I said it when manager Lou Piniella tabbed him as the closer.

Everyone expects the Cubs to take the NL Central for a third straight year in a cakewalk. But as long as a guy with two first names is expected to work a 1-2-3 ninth, it won't be as easy as it should be.

Deal Closed: Kevin Gregg gets the gig

Opening Day is a week away and already I see a problem with the Chicago Cubs' bullpen.

Manager Lou Piniella recently named Kevin Gregg as the team's closer, allowing Piniella to use the talented Carlos Marmol in the super swingman reliever role he has become accustomed to in the last two seasons. And while I agree Marmol (right now) is best suited for being set-up man extraordinaire, I am not convinced Gregg is the best man to close out games.

Unfortunately for the Cubs, the guy most suited for that role signed with the Cleveland Indians in the offseason.

Gregg was acquired in the offseason via a trade with the Florida Marlins, who probably fleeced the Cubs again by nabbing hard-throwing reliever Jose Ceda who was once deemed untouchable by GM Jim Hendry and his staff. And even though Gregg notched 61 saves in two seasons as the Marlins' closer, no one is sure how he will respond to the pressure-cooker that is Wrigley Field, the Cubs, day baseball, a fandom growing impatient and a constant reminder from the media of 101 years of suck.

After a first half in which he saved 20 games and posted a 2.60 earned run average, Gregg seemed to faulter down the stretch. In his final 26 outings, he recorded a 4.94 ERA in 23.2 innings. Outings like that in July and August might call for mob rule in the North Siders' bullpen.

And yes, Marmol struggled at times last year, but it was mostly due to being overworked ... which of course is going to be Cubdom's biggest fear from day one.

He worked the World Baseball Classic, fine and dandy, but did he get his arm up to speed for the team that needs him the most? My guess is no, especially when noting he hit five batters and posted a 4.50 ERA in WBC games. And one must wonder where his head must be, after coming into Spring Training as the No. 1 candidate to replace Kerry Wood.

Jeff Spellcheck hasn't been impressive this spring, while the team's best lefty out of the pen from last season has secured a spot in the starting rotation. So, the fate of the Cubs' bullpen rests squarely on the shoulders of a closer who is unproven in this element and a reliever who might be one nasty breaking ball away from getting shelved.

Yep, sounds like a banner year for the Cubbies already.

Cubs cut ties with Wood, prepare to usher in a new era of suck

We'll miss you, Kerry. Photo: NY Times

If 100 years of bad baseball wasn't enough, it appears as if the Chicago Cubs are ready to ring in a new era of suck starting from the top.

That's right. I'm talking to you Jim Hendry.

After acquiring Kevin Gregg in a trade with the Florida Marlins, Hendry announced that the Cubs were cutting ties with Kerry Wood, one of the franchise's most popular players.

Not only is this a terrible move for a team on the brink of something special last season, it's a piss-poor move for a team that should be looking to appease a fan base that was teased with a 97-win season only to fall flat on its face when the playoffs rolled around.

It's a move that doesn't make sense, not now. Heck, I'm not sure if it ever will.

Saying that there isn't enough money to give the face of the franchise while also trying to find a multi-year deal for Ryan Dempster - who wasn't willing to negotiate during the exclusive negotiating period - is just wrong. It's that kind of treatment of core players, whether it was Mark Grace when he became a free agent or Greg Maddux when his time came around, that has Cubs fans crying and pleading for Mark Cuban to take ownership as soon as possible.

It won't happen. Because good things aren't destined to happen to the Cubs or their fans.

So it's not worth even continuing with this post.

I just wanted to prepare Cubs fans for an offseason of bad decision making, which should adequately prepare baseball's most tortured fan for another late-season letdown.

And no, trading for Jake Peavy isn't the cure-all.